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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« An entire post written solely to use the word "monkeyshines." | Main | The moment no one was really waiting for: answers! »

Fine, then.

Wow. Write about boobs and everyone’s got something to say, but just mention the Aztecs—try it on your blog, mention the Aztecs, I’ll be here waiting--and listen to the crickets chirp. Was that an embarrassed cough I heard, way back in the wings?

Life is conspiring to deprive me of writing material—the child is healthy and clever; no new waterbugs have scuttled across my bare feet; my husband hasn’t emitted any farts that sounded like the first few bars of “Inna Gadda Da Vida.” So, fine, then. I’ll just talk about famous people.

A few years back, I was working in Soho in a building that housed a theatre company. Which meant that I often shared the small, cramped elevator with Sandy Duncan. Sandy Duncan is probably not a celebrity on anyone’s can’t-wait-to-meet list, but when I was seven, I worshipped Sandy Duncan. I can’t imagine why. Did I respect her work in the Wheat Thins commercials? What else did she do? I even wrote a song about her. (I would share with you the lyrics, except they’re only “Sandy Duncan” over and over—it was the melody, people, the melody that counted).

I was also in that same elevator with David Bowie and three German models. I should have been thrilled about my proximity to David Bowie (he was right there, I could have touched him), but the German models were crushing any joy left in my soul with their iron fists of perfection. I am 5’7” and weighed (emphasis on the –ed) 120 pounds and I felt like a shrub next to these leggy, tobacco-reeking, dead-eyed Frauleins. And David Bowie was chatting Germanically with them, and I could have reached out and grabbed his ANYTHING! Take your pick of anatomical parts! but he never glanced my way. I didn’t expect a soul-kiss, but a nod would have been nice.

At a wedding, I had a conversation with Marvin Hamlisch, during which I realized that Marvin Hamlisch is in behavior and appearance identical to my parents’ friend Roy, and yes, I know this means nothing to you. Also he has a hot wife. Marvin Hamlisch, that is.

At a bar, John Cusack approached my friend Audra and me. We had noticed him staggering around with a yellow bandanna perched at a jaunty angle on his head, and I had been making fun of him from a distance. (All the while hoping that he might approach us and then we'd fall in love and make babies.) So when he actually began wobbling our way, my adrenaline started pumping and something bad happened to my mouth and the following words came out of it: “That’s so cute. Did your mommy dress you up like a pirate?” And with that he turned right around, headed back to the dark recesses of the bar and began to make out with some blonde girl. Audra has never forgiven me. She thinks he was going to marry her, but you and I, John—you and I know the truth.

Reader Comments (32)

I'd always HATED Sandy Duncan (as a kid). Guess it didn't help that I was four when I watched her smile as they took Kissie (sp?) away on Roots. I couldn't understand her presence in Wheat Thins commercials or The Hogan Family. Didn't they know what she did?

I waited in line with Robert Downey Jr. at a Starbucks in Pittsburgh. He was in town shooting Wonder Boys. And though I'm only 5'3", I wanted to put him in my pocket and run. He is that small.
August 20, 2004 | Unregistered Commenteramy
I soo drool for John Cusak, John has been in love with me since i was 13!
August 23, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterSanorah
Offhand, only pathetic near-brushes with fame occur to me, though I'm convinced I must have something more exciting and less pathetic than Almost Talking to Orson Scott Card But Getting Sidetracked and Not Pursuing the (Ideal) Opportunity Because I Didn't Realize It Was Him Till the Next Week. BAH.

But that's not nearly as sad as the series (series even!) of Elijah Wood and other members of the cast of LotR dreams. No doubt brought on by watching too many special DVD features. We will stop now, and not embarass ourselves further.

Thanks for your entries, I'm all kinds of enjoying them.
September 1, 2004 | Unregistered Commenterfalwyn
Personally I have issues with seeing John Cusack as anything short of Llyod Dobbler, (or insert sensitive eighties guy played by Cusack circa 1984-1991 here).

September 2, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterJanet
I was in my local Charleston, South Carolina Walmart in the garden center and I noticed that the guy at the check-out counter looked exactly exactly like Matt Damon. So I stood there and stared like a fool until he noticed me and then my heart fluttered and I gave him a Damn boy! you might even be HOTTER than Matt Damon look. I stared and stared and no one was asking him for autographs or asking if he was Matt Damon by then he was done paying for his stuff and left. So I kept on shopping. The next day my friend was over visiting and says, "Hey you know they're filming a movie here called Legend of Bagger Vance and it has Matt Damon in it" I fell to the floor crying no no no no no I can't believe I didn't...Oh my god...I'm soooo stupid!! My girlfriend says, "Christi, calm down it's only a movie."
September 5, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterChristi
I've had 3 moments:

1) Age 10, I saw Tiny Tim in a convenience store (whoopee). You know who he is... the guy who sang Tiptoe Through the Tulips.

2) Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes came to a nightclub in Orlando where I was a manager. I watched Woody as he was leaving and trying to hide a jello shot in his jacket (I swear) and then me and another employee ran out after him and asked for a picture with him. We got it. This was 10 years ago. I still have the picture.

3) In early 1996, my sister and I were on the Jenny Jones talk show. It was about people who ruined your wedding. We had this very flamboyantly gay friend who kept using the disposable cameras to take photos of the groomsmen by putting the camera under their kilts (they are Scottish). He did all kinds of other things, but he didn't ruin my sisters wedding, we really just went on the show to have some fun.
October 9, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterNatalie Williams

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