This blog has gone wrong somewhere.

Somewhere among my many incoherent posts, my kind-hearted readers decided I needed advice. Look at her, they said (although they can’t see me at all, for all they know I could be a specter typing this with my ghostly fingers, boogedy boogedy.) She’s all bedraggled and hysterical! Call the constable!

Despite all appearances, we are quite well and fine, here. I did end up leaving Henry with the foo-foo man for the afternoon—he offered, and I needed to purchase some wine. It will interest you to know that he was returned intact, albeit with an interesting new facial tic. I’m sure it will give him character!

In other words, the irony here, it is thickly layered, like I like my cakes. (JESUS WOULD SOMEONE SEND ME A CAKE I WANT CAKE.) Ahem. You know who else doesn’t get irony? Toddlers. Do not appreciate the irony. Also, they give terrible pedicures. Also: have no self-control when it comes to the application of cologne. And: they often fail to respect the walk-on-the-right-side rule and will weave back and forth like drunks, irritating pedestrians everywhere. And that’s not all: they begin every friggin’ argument with “Allow me to play devil’s advocate for a minute, here.”

They are such dicks.

In other news: Jesus, my blogroll. Why must I always take the Lord’s name in vain, she said to herself as she typed. I’m beginning to hate the blogroll—not the blogs in the blogroll, you understand, just blogrolls in general. I made some half-assed attempt at updating the blogroll a few days ago, only to realize later that I had left 50,000 other worthy blogs out of the roll, and then those blogs sent me nasty emails threatening to gut me like a fish, and then the blogs in my blogroll threatened THOSE blogs and now everyone is fighting. And all I want is to make everyone happy. I’m like Mother Theresa except better, and alive.

And yes, I’m completely sober! Or: no, I’m not drunk! Depending on what you’re asking.

Comments

[alice]

And before anyone asks: NO, no one really threatened me in any way about the damn blogroll.

I may in fact be a little drunk.

[Angelia]

May I join you in your maybe drunken ramble? Purty pweeeze..

Trolls ops I meant toddlers, have a funny way of disreguarding every rule in the book..

[Jenn]

Damn, you see I was all prepared to threaten to gut you like a fish until I appeared on your blogroll, but I guess I will have to go to plan B and send you some cake.

Toddlers that don't get irony and walk like little drunks may be annoying, but they can make great party entertainment when you are really bored.

[Lisa]

Hey if you get cake and assvice it may be worth starting a blog. Do you get liquor too?

[Lisa]

Hey if you get cake and assvice it may be worth starting a blog. Do you get liquor too?

[Brooklyn Mama]

No advice here. Nope. But I thought of you (and my un-ironic self) this evening as we were driving home singing "Where is Thumbkin?" on demand to our two-year old wonder. Right after we did, um, Tall man, the guy behind us suddenly started beeping wildly and my husband said, "Oh, shit. He thought Tall man was flipping him off."

[The Zero Boss]

Just for the record, I have not threatened any of the unrolled. At least, not in any way that can be traced.

[Kim]

I make a really good homemade cake. You like chocolate with chocolate frosting? Chocolate with fluffy white? Yellow cake with pink frosting? White cake with fresh berries? Mmmmm. Cake.

[mainja]

yeah, blog roll can end up being a bit stressful, so many decisions. i decided to blog roll only people who didn't get oodles and oodles of traffic 'cause, for instance, everyone knows about dooce (a vast exageration, but you get my gist) so i actually took her off my blogroll, although i still enjoy reading her. of course, contrary to that particular theory, you are indeed still blogrolled on my blog. i think because you were one of the first blogs i ever read and i proceeded to sit down and read it all, all the archives and everything, one of the reasons i started blogging in fact. i had a dream of writing clever witty posts that everyone loved. of course the blog has mutated itself in to a day in the life blog different than no other, but i enjoy it nonetheless. and sometimes, just sometimes, i am able to write witty interesting posts about things like the woman in ikea teaching her young daughter to flush the toilet with her foot.

as for people with no sense of irony (would allanis morisette count in here? i mean, really, since when it is ironic to have rain on your wedding day. unless the whole song is ironic considering it keeps saying it's talking about irony when it's really not. where was i? oh yes...) well, people without an appreciation of literary irony must really not enjoy life as much of the rest of us.

and i agree, a facial tick will absolutely add character.

whew, sorry, that ended up being a really really long comment.

[Em]

Mmm. Cake.

[jilbur]

you added to your blogroll? bitch. don't you know that every blog you add dilutes the prestige attached to my blog's inclusion? Ugh. You know, everything has been sour and smelly lately. Someone implied the other day that I 'crave celebrity.' The good lord in whom I do not believe, protect me from celebrity—it fucks everything up. Actually, I need no protection: the chances of celebrity darkening my doorstep are lottery-like.

[H.E.R.]

I love cake and the decisions you made on your blogroll. So um, hooray!

[marta]

"I did end up leaving Henry with the foo-foo man for the afternoon." Howling with laughter, all the way til the end of the post. You are so, so funny. Thank you.

[lizardek]

As long as the foo-foo man didn't bop him on the head. Okay. No one is going to get that reference but me.

[jen]

I totally get that reference. Who doesn't love a little abusive bunny and a vengeful fairy first thing Monday morning?

[jamie]

you know what? moms are funny. and non-moms are funny too, but not as funny as moms.

mmmmmm.... cake....

[wix]

wait, there's a rule about walking on the right side?? lawks, i've been fucking that up quite handily for the past 30-something years.

[effie]

mmmm-cake! I think chocolate cake would go fine! Uncle Bob the foo-foo man--sounds like he must me a nice guy if you could leave Henry with him!

[sac]

Hi, just stopped by to make sure I'm still on your blogroll. My sources alerted me of some movement in that area. Carry on.

[Sheryl]

The blogroll? She eez a temperamental prima donna. I used to wonder why some sites had no links, alas, now I know. I will totally send you cake (and I'm not being ironic).

[Summer]

If you're completely sober, you got ripped off on that wine, girlfriend. If the foo-foo man can babysit this afternoon, you should go and try to get your money back.

And could you please tell my husband that all toddlers disregard the "walk on the right" rule? When our son nearly ran into someone's knees while walking out of the library this weekend, my husband actually pointed at me and said "her family's from Britain. It's her fault he doesn't know where to walk."

[susie]

um, i don't know what a blogroll is? and i'm not being ironic. spent last wednesday at a friend's house trying to teach her four year old daughter to knit as her two year old son attempted to climb under the needles and yarn and into my lap with his face really close to mine going, "hi, hi, hi, hi" and i thought about you and all mothers of two year olds and imagined how long the days must seem. an hour later when he climbed back in my lap to point out every single train in the Thomas Train catalog saying, "Ben, Bill, James, NO! That's James not Bill!" And I nodded and uh-huh'd and poured more wine in my glass. I'm really surprised you're not drunk all day.

[Karen]

"I'm like Mother Theresa, but better: I'm alive."

I think I just peed myself a little.

Genius.

[Very Mom]

Am honored to find myself on abhorred blogroll and all without nasty threats or creepy stalking type cake sendingness. I would, however, still send you cake, but Sheryl's will taste good and not look like a charred pile of ashes mixed with frosting.

[Trina]

Me to DD: What would you like for snack? We have ice cream, pudding, or brownies.DD: Cake!Me: We don't have cake.DD: I want cake!Me: We ate all the cake, remember? No cake.DD: Cake!Me: I'll make another cake tomorrow, okay?DD: *bursts into tears*

You think two is bad? Wait til he hits four.