No glasses for me.
October 25, 2006Did any of you grow up in the New York/Connecticut/New Jersey tri-state area and if you did, do you remember the “Get glasses, Alice” commercial? In which a woman walks into walls and throws herself down the stairs and trips over the dog, and all her husband can say is, “Get glasses, Alice”? And he says it over and over again? And then she obediently hops over to her local vision center and gets glasses and her husband says something asinine like, “Alice, you got glasses!” and instead of shooting him in the head, she just smiles? This commercial was on when I was in junior high. Imagine what everyone said whenever I tripped or fell or walked into things. Imagine that I tripped and walked into things pretty much every day. That commercial is BURNED INTO MY BRAIN.
My vision has always been just fine, which annoyed me, since I badly wanted glasses. In first grade I wore my sister’s glasses to school for a full week, stumbling around and pretending that at last, I could see. I don't know if this was because I wanted glasses or because I wanted to be my sister, who was ten years older and thus, the coolest being who ever walked the earth. I’m surprised I didn’t wear her bra to school the following week, exulting that finally my breasts were getting the support they needed.
I went to the eye doctor a couple of weeks ago because my eyes have stopped functioning. Within a few minutes of focusing on a computer screen or looking at paper with words on it, they simply give up. If I fight them back into focus, they tear violently, as if my computer were composed of onions. So now that my eyes were falling apart, all I could think was, all right! It’s glasses time for me!
Except no! Damn it, my vision is still breathtakingly perfect. I have fatigued my eyes to the point of total collapse, is all. All I have to do is stay far away from the computer until such time as I absolutely have to use it. (The optometrist did give me a prescription for reading glasses, but I got the distinct impression that he was handing me a pretend prescription so that I would feel like a grown up and get out of there.)
The problem is, I need to use the computer all the time. I have tried not to look at the screen, but it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference. In fact right now my eyes are closed! You’re amazed at this, but it’s the truth. Now they’re open, but I’m looking out the window. No one’s out there. Where does everyone go? I bet they all have jobs. Those jerks.
I need some way to wrap this up, so let’s pretend there’s a tidy concluding paragraph here, instead of this. I have to go remove my eyes with a grapefruit spoon and immerse them in a bowl of chilled rainwater.
Reader Comments (58)
I've always wanted glasses but I want to need them. I don't just want clear frames. I'm not that superficial, ya know.
I also recently had a perfect hearing exam, which really devastated me.
Middle child. That's me.
But like you, I stole my sister's glasses and wore them to school before I got my own and realized that glasses suck. Hers were blue aluminum cats-eye shaped frames with rhinestones. RHINESTONES! What every 3rd grader needs. So when my 5th grade teacher told my mother that I waas probably legally blind, my mother refused to believe her. The principal had to convince my mother that I couldn't see anything, and all the way to the opthamologists office my mother kept reminding me "you know the eye doctor will KNOW if you're lying". Only I wasn't lying. I WAS legally blind in one eye. Heh heh. Jokes on me.
Honestly, though, the reading glasses help me a little.
And yuck, removing your eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon. (Though I remember a science teacher telling us to enjoy our peanut butter and vitreous fluid sandwiches.. Thanks for reminding me of that.)
My vision was never terrible, just got down to about 20/100 or 20/200. Then, in my mid-20's, my vision started getting BETTER. My prescription was lower and lower until now, I'm at 20/20! I wear glasses for driving at night or seeing in concerts or movie theaters, but that's it. Apparently, it's pretty rare, but it also means I won't need reading glasses until much later than most people.
Damn. 'Cuz I really like wearing glasses. But if I wear them any old time, I can't see.
Sorry you missed out again. I like the suggestions for a second opinion.
The fact that Katy rhymes so nicely with lady has, in fact, been the bane of my existence! Or, at least it was in 2nd grade when Matt Applesomething used to call me "Katy Naked Lady." That was horrifying in 2nd grade, I tell you... HORRIFYING! Now, of course, it's highly amusing and I regularly refer to myself this way or "KNL" for short.
I wanted glasses as a kid, then went through a spell of using reading glasses as a way to look wiser than I felt in my mid-thirties. I am now in my mid-forties and need reading glasses which I buy by the dozen at the dollar store because I chronically lose, sit and step on them. Between that and my five year old and her glasses envy, there is no hope for keeping a single pair of glasses within reach.
Now that I need reading glasses, I hate them so much. And I get really really angry at the people who put teeny tiny fonts on boxes of stuff I need to know how to cook or use. It would be so cool if those things came with voice chips for the visually impaired--no that would mean my pantry would sound like it was full of people making lists. That would be really bad. I guess I will stick to keeping dollar store reading glasses all over the house.
When I got my first big-city job my mom told me to get a pair of glasses to wear to meetings. She said it would make people take me more seriously. She herself was a high-powered ad exec and was completely serious. I got a fake pair at Ricky's and you know what? She was right. AND nobody made a pass at me.
Does it help if you make the screen more or less bright? Change the lighting around your computer desk? I dunno. I've worn glasses since I was 3 and do everything I can to NOT wear them. Include drive.
Be careful driving in Pennsylvania.
PS, Remember the Chew Susie Chew doll, and Susie Chapstick ads? The bane of my existence in the 80's.
He told me that focusing on a computer screen is not like reading words on paper. Because the pixels are mobile, your eyes are constantly focusing and re-focusing. Whereas with flat paper, you only need to focus once.
After asking me the distance between my head and the screen, he offered glasses that allow my eyes to focus a few inches beyond the computer screen. Which apparently does the trick. Maybe it's a placebo thing, but I have found HUGE relief from these glasses.
(BTW, in case he is crazy and you're interested in some snake oil, he's at Grand Central Optical on the Lexington Avenue concourse...)
i did buy some 'reading glasses' at the grocery store for ten bucks though. they help not very much. don't waste your ten dollars. just keep looking out the window and let us know if anyone happens by.
Wordnerd is right- Target has some pretty great reading glasses for a fraction of the cost.
And I need reading glasses now too. You may think you don't, but the next time you try to read a lipstick color off the bottom of the tube of lipstick you'll be glad you have those granny glasses.