Mysteries of the mind and body—not explained!

Henry’s formerly rose-colored eyes (now back to their regularly scheduled whiteness) reminded me of this story my brother told many years back, about a friend of a friend who had this disorder wherein if she didn’t take her special medication every few hours, her eyes would pop out of her head. This story is remarkable not just in the fact that he told it, and that I believed it wholly and without the teensiest glimmer-ette of doubt, or that I told it to all kinds of people, none of whom believed me, but that last year I recounted the tale back to my brother, who looked at me like I was criminally insane. What are you talking about? He said. Who? Eyes popping out of what? Why?

I wanted it to be true so bad that I argued with him for a while, but he continued to glare the glare of the angrily sane at me, and I was forced to give it up. So now I’ll never know. Either he made it up or I did, or no one did and I don’t really exist. Or this is a little like when I was eight and told everyone—because I knew with all that was good and pure in my heart—that Olivia Newton-John had once been married to Elton John. Thus the hyphen. Actually this is nothing like the ONJ thing, which I’m still not over because shouldn’t that be true?

Back to the strange maladies: I experience a nightly…experience (fuck it, I’m not checking a thesaurus) that I’m pretty sure is mine and mine alone. Please dissuade me of this notion, or at least explain what’s going on, o you who do not do enough for me already. You know when you’re falling asleep, and suddenly you’re falling but not really falling and you wake up just before your dreaming self hits the dream-ground? I have that, except different! And here’s how different: instead of falling, I’m suddenly overcome by intense nausea. And just as I wake up, lurching out of bed in the hopes of not soiling my sheets, poof, it’s gone.

You’d think this would keep me up the rest of the night—especially because I haven’t thrown up since I was nine and I have a little bitty phobia when it comes to the act. But this pre-sleep faux-vomit been going on for twenty-three years, so by now I’m all casual about it. Puzzled, but casual. And I know it’s been that long because I brought it up in eighth grade health class, right after it first happened, and everyone went ewwww. This was my classmates’ reaction to almost anything I said or did or wore. Or ate.

In their defense, I was partial to deviled ham.

Comments

[sweetney]

i do love it when you're cryptic. or anything else, for that matter.

[JustLinda]

I clearly remember my dad getting a pencil stuck behind his ear. Clearly. And then once (as an ADULT!) I said "Hey, remember that time Dad got that pencil stuck?" and my parents and siblings look frightened - very frightened because they had always counted on me to be the smart, sane one who would take care of all them in their nutty insanity and there I was talking about pencils getting stuck behind ears.

Well, NATURALLY it didn't happen and it must have been some weird dream I had but I SWORE it was real! And now I don't have power of attorney in my parent's will in anymore. go figure.

I'm a funny writer too, but right now I only write funny stuff for FREE and usually I'm the only one who laughs. But hey, I'm 41 now, but the time I'm 90-ish, I plan to parlay my talent into a monthly stipend that will cover the co-pay for my asthma inhaler. I think by then that should be about $400.00 so not a bad salary...

[erin]

Congratulations on the writing gig. You totally deserve to get paid for your talent. On the nausea thing though, I'm sorry to say I can't commiserate. If I wake up from nausea in the night it means only one thing... three hours of what I refer to as "the cholera", which I have suffered from since childhood, rarely acknowledge and have never had diagnosed.

[Bethany]

Many of the best times of my college years were spent sitting at a booth and table in my brother's apartment. He and his roommates told the tale again and again of how they came to have it (it was HUGE, big wrap around style that sat at least 10.)

One late, late night they went for breakfast at Denny's. There was only one woman working the whole place, so she took their order and went to cook it. While she was gone, they took advantage of her absence and stole the booth.

I heard the story, accepted it, heard it told again and again, and accepted it each time and kept on drinking my Falstaff.

A few summers later we were all together again one night and the booth came up. "What a crazy story," I told a new friend. "Wait until you hear this." I told the story from the top and my brother and his friends fell down dead with laughter.

Apparently after 5 years, I was the only person left in the universe that hadn't realized the whole thing was a joke. Someone had bought it at a garage sale and MOST people came to understand that within minutes, if not by the end of the night.

I should probably question a lot of things I believed over those blurry, blurry years, but am choosing not to.

Good luck with whatever your not talking about, I hope you love it!

[Shannon]

Girl, you deserve to be paid oodles for your humor. You've often made my days at work more bearable by your ability to make me laugh till I nearly wet myself. I mean that in a good way. Hope the pink eye has all been killed off.

[Heather B.]

Being evasive gives you character. Or didn't you know that?

[clickmom]

Whe I started as a freelance photographer I had to go digital and buy all new equipment. That was 3 years ago and I think I finally made enough money to pay for most of it, but I LOVE MY JOB and that is the bottom line. When I think about the money I could be making if I worked for someone else, or got into a different kind of photography, I just know that some day that option will be there. As for right now I am thankful that I can have my low paying job and still be around for my kids.

Can't wait to hear what your new deal is.

[Mir]

Um, am I the only one who feels you are overlooking the obvious connection between the devilled ham and the nausea...?

[Lisa V]

OMG- has SNL finally hired a good writer again? Wait, you don't do enough coke.

My grandma used to say that jerking thing as your falling asleep was your soul entering your body again after traveling. And then she had the nerve to call Buddhism weird. I don't know what she would say about the throwing up. Maybe that your soul suffered from motion sickness?

[jess]

I'm way too nauseous to respond in any well meaning or thought out way...

but...

congratulations. And! You are funny, funny.

[J]

I thought that about ONJ and EJ. I am so glad I was not alone....Congrats on the secret squirrel writing gig!

[Jenny]

Okay, first of all, I have convinced my kids that my husband wears glasses because in some early-in-life balloon inflating incident, he didn't stretch out his balloon properly and the strain of trying to force air into unyielding rubber caused his eyes to fly out of their sockets, and bounce across the floor. As he crawled along, feeling for his missing eyeballs, he did manage to find them, and his mom had to wash them off and then they put them back in. But to this day, his vision has never been the same. Thus, the glasses.

I'm certain now that this will come back to bite me in the ass.

Congrats on the writing job. You are The Funniest Woman Alive (TM) and I'm sure you'll blow them away. Figuratively. Because you're not homicidal.

Oh, and the faux-vomit? Could be reflux?

[Wallydraigle]

You know, this happens to me all the time. I don't get the nausea, but my whole entire body feels really funny. It's something akin to nausea. Maybe the feeling you get when you've had too much to drink, but you're not quite to the feeling-sick stage, but if you had a couple more sips, you would be there.

In my head, that whole thing made sense, but maybe it doesn't to anyone else. Carry on.

[jamielynnlynn]

I have huge vertigo issues at night when I have a cold. Inner ear = balance. Maybe you have a 23 year-old infection? Caused by deviled ham?

[Jenn]

I can safely guess your malady, it is excitement. You are excited about your new job (yes, all 23 yrs of it). Like u said, this is what u shldve been doing, so 'grats! As soon as u start doing this new job, u will stop this pre-sleep Faux-puke affliction.

[bellabugs_mom]

the reason you are having the falling dream, but with nausea is bc you have a vomit related phobia.

thank god my worthless psych degree just came in handy. i was beginning to believe it was earned in vain.

[angela]

That nasuea/vommitting thing before you fall asleep is kind of strange. I definately only do that when I am hung over, but I do have "mini dreams" as I call them. I'll jolt awake right before I am actually asleep and realize that I was playing a senario over in my head- like a father and daughter at a grocery story or someone walking through a park. They are rarely of anyone I know, or places I've been. Just everyday scenes that play out in my sleepy head. I think that's pretty weird, too.

[Grace]

re: the nausea thing- there could be something going on with your ear, or your TMJ (your jaw joint) being out of line. my mom and i both have TMJ disorder and we experience dizziness/nausea.

also, you're so LOL funny! i love it! that's why you're at the top of my blogs bookmarks folder! my friends are like, "why do you read blogs by moms?" (we're 20-year old college students) and i'm like, "hello...read finslippy," and they're all, "what's a finslippy?" awesome.

[Herr Metik]

Well, I doubt that it is reflux. I've been suffering from severe reflux for years now, and although it certainly sets in mostly in the evenings, it seldomly feels like nausea. In fact, it's burning, hurting and totally annoying heartburn. Always. The only times I feel a little bit nauseated (can I put it this way in English?) is when it was hurting for an extended period of time.Nevertheless, I know quite well what you are talking about, since I experience strange reactions of my body when I'm nearly asleep, too. Instead of feeling sick just moments before the real dreem kicks in, I often start biting my own tongue. Quite annoying, and it definitely distracts me from the act oft dreaming-and-sleeping.

[Gillian]

I want to assure you that I am not laughing or choking and little snorts are not coming out of my nose about your precognitive stomach flu dreams. I believe that while you sleep your spirit leaves your body with a cool cloth and an emesis basin to minister to those clinging to their bathroom fixtures in the night. Sometimes, in an intense situation, your spirit begins to get sympathetic dry heaves and it is snapped back into your body by a large silver rubberband. Or not. I know there have been times in my past when I was hanging over the rim wishing I was a better housekeeper that I got the sense that I was feeling a bit better and I could lay my head down on a bunched up towel and sleep for a few minutes on the cool tile. I believe that was you. If it is, would you mind folding the towel up for me so I don't get those weird crease marks on that side of my face? Bless you

[jomama]

Gillian, you need a blog.

I too am unsure about the normalcy of the strange maladies that I've had since childhood. I keep telling myself I'll ask a doctor about them, but I always forget. I was convinced that I had a cracked rib when I was in elementary school, but now it's just this sharp pain I get once every blue moon that last for about a minute.

I don't know what to make of the nausea thing. I get that when my mouth is too dry, but it's usually during the day.

[jomama]

Oh yeah, Gillian? I meant that in a good way. You're pretty funny.

[Velma]

I'm with Mir. That deviled ham is evil!

(Ba-dum! Thank you! I'll be here all week!)

On a more serious note, have you thought about TMJ? I'm not sure how to put this delicately, because I don't want to imply that you are a tightly wound little rubber band ball of a person or anything, but A LOT of highly intelligent and sensitive women have TMJ issues. And that can definitely give you nausea vertigo and all sorts of fun stuff.

[Daniel]

Alice, you are easily the funniest writer on the internets. I get excited every time I see a bold Finslippy in my RSS reader.

Re-reading that last line I get the vague impression that somehow it could be misinterpreted...

Also, I have found that people who claim to be funny generally aren't. But I was literally LOLing at justlinda's comment.

[Emma]

It took some convincing for me to understand that:1. Dogs and cats did not copulate and have litters together with dogs being the males and cats being the females2. Same thing for birds, with cardinals being the females and bluejays being the males3. Unicorns did not go extinct

The faux vomit thing is, as someone earlier put it, a phobia rearing its ugly head. That's what the falling sensation is, coming out in times of anxiety, so why wouldn't it be the same for throwing up?