Not a good way to start the week.
November 19, 2007Last week was a bit of a rollercoaster ride for the Finslippy household. I was Late, and I do not mean Late for an appointment. If you don't want to hear about my womanly cycles, I understand, and encourage you to visit tomorrow, when I will be talking about monster trucks.
Are they gone? Okay.
So as I was saying. In my years of tracking my periods I have only been *one day* late, ever, so this was a big deal. When I was at Eden's I developed the sorest of boobs, too, the kind where putting on a bra or taking a shower makes you scream a little. And Eden was jumping up and down around me and shouting PREGNANT! PREGNANT! She's a tall drink of water, so that’s something to see. I was trying to be casual about it, but inside I was jumping around as well. By the time I got home from California I was falling asleep every time I sat down, and as I drifted off my brain was singing, hey, look at that, I really am pregnant, it's about damn time. But the pregnancy test was negative. My ob/gyn told me to wait a week to test again, which I changed to "wait 24 hours," but then I got another negative, and then I decided that I was just pregnant, damn the tests; what do tests know, anyway? By then I was really late, and see above, re: never being late, so how could I not be pregnant? Of course I was. I googled despite myself, I googled "negative pregnancy tests but really pregnant," and I found all kinds of people who proved the tests wrong, as I would.
The night before I was to take the test, I began spotting. Back to Google I went, and googled "negative test and spotting but still pregnant!" and was reassured. I normally don't spot before a period, so of course that's what this was. A little pregnancy spotting! Nothing to see here, folks!
I woke up the next morning, yesterday morning, to the heaviest period I have ever experienced. I normally have the lightest period a person can get away with and still call it a period. It's a little embarrassing, how sissy my period is. So having this dramatic, um, cascade of, you know… it wasn't normal. So I guess all signs point to an early failure, a teeny miscarriage, but I hate to even use that word because I've had so many friends go through such heartbreak, and this was nothing, really. Mostly I was enormously relieved that it happened so early, that I never even had the excitement of a positive test to get my hopes up. And anyway, who wants a pregnancy that starts out with negative tests and then goes to spotting and then you're a nervous wreck for the entire first trimester? Oh, who am I kidding, I would have taken it. So yeah, I'm a little sad.
Reader Comments (83)
Yes, I vote you had a chemical pg. And I'm sorry. It hurts.
I do know for certain that what you've just gone through sucks enormously. I'm so sorry, Alice. I very much want you to have another baby -- you've already produced one child of truly superior cuteness, the world needs more adorable Bradleys! So maybe, just maybe, can we consider this little kerfluffle to be a cause for extra hope? You got a little bit pregnant, now we just need you to get well and truly knocked up. I'm cheering you on.
I had a chemical pregnancy on our first attempt. My home test was negative, so I was resigned to that, when I had a very, very low but not quite negative blood test, giving us a teeny, tiny, but still not very realistic glimmer of hope for a weekend, until the follow-up beta was truly negative on Monday.
I totally agree with your description of the feeling. I was sad for the loss, although I'd never even known it was there, relieved that it had happened then and not weeks later, but, also, glad to know that we'd at least gotten egg and sperm together.
Big hug.
I'm sorry, Alice.