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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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Not a good way to start the week.

Last week was a bit of a rollercoaster ride for the Finslippy household. I was Late, and I do not mean Late for an appointment. If you don't want to hear about my womanly cycles, I understand, and encourage you to visit tomorrow, when I will be talking about monster trucks.

Are they gone? Okay.

So as I was saying. In my years of tracking my periods I have only been *one day* late, ever, so this was a big deal. When I was at Eden's I developed the sorest of boobs, too, the kind where putting on a bra or taking a shower makes you scream a little. And Eden was jumping up and down around me and shouting PREGNANT! PREGNANT! She's a tall drink of water, so that’s something to see. I was trying to be casual about it, but inside I was jumping around as well. By the time I got home from California I was falling asleep every time I sat down, and as I drifted off my brain was singing, hey, look at that, I really am pregnant, it's about damn time. But the pregnancy test was negative. My ob/gyn told me to wait a week to test again, which I changed to "wait 24 hours," but then I got another negative, and then I decided that I was just pregnant, damn the tests; what do tests know, anyway? By then I was really late, and see above, re: never being late, so how could I not be pregnant? Of course I was. I googled despite myself, I googled "negative pregnancy tests but really pregnant," and I found all kinds of people who proved the tests wrong, as I would.

The night before I was to take the test, I began spotting. Back to Google I went, and googled "negative test and spotting but still pregnant!" and was reassured. I normally don't spot before a period, so of course that's what this was. A little pregnancy spotting! Nothing to see here, folks!

I woke up the next morning, yesterday morning, to the heaviest period I have ever experienced. I normally have the lightest period a person can get away with and still call it a period. It's a little embarrassing, how sissy my period is. So having this dramatic, um, cascade of, you know… it wasn't normal. So I guess all signs point to an early failure, a teeny miscarriage, but I hate to even use that word because I've had so many friends go through such heartbreak, and this was nothing, really. Mostly I was enormously relieved that it happened so early, that I never even had the excitement of a positive test to get my hopes up. And anyway, who wants a pregnancy that starts out with negative tests and then goes to spotting and then you're a nervous wreck for the entire first trimester? Oh, who am I kidding, I would have taken it. So yeah, I'm a little sad.

Reader Comments (83)

Sorry to hear it, Alice. Take care of yourself.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNicole
You should be sad. As someone who has lost pregnancy at various stages, I finally realized the pain is not any less week one than it is week 12. I'm sorry. Truly.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterZoot
I'm sorry. {{hugs}}
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdebra
The very same thing happened to me this month. Hugs.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterType (little) a
Thinking about you, Alice. xoxo
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterwhoorl
I'm sorry. Here's another hug.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNichole
So sorry :(
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAriel
I'm sorry. While yeah, it could have been worse, it still sucks.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLiza
Thinking of you...
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPocklock
As someone who has had 5 chemical pgs and 3 clinical miscarriages (that's a total of 8 miscarriages, but who's counting?!?!), each miscarriage hurts.

Yes, I vote you had a chemical pg. And I'm sorry. It hurts.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAnita
Yeah, me too. Exact same thing. Boo.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMolly
Me too. Exact same thing this month. Boo.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMolly
I'm so sorry Alice.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBertha
I'm so sorry Alice. My thoughts are with you.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKristen
I'm sorry to hear it. xx
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDIANE
Wait, we're supposed to not let our hopes rise until we've gotten a positive test? Dammit, I've been doing this all wrong. I get excited over stray pimples, trash that smells worse than normal, all kinds of stupid not-really-symptoms. If I had to wait for a positive test, or even true lateness, I'd never get to hope. I don't know whether that would be better or worse.

I do know for certain that what you've just gone through sucks enormously. I'm so sorry, Alice. I very much want you to have another baby -- you've already produced one child of truly superior cuteness, the world needs more adorable Bradleys! So maybe, just maybe, can we consider this little kerfluffle to be a cause for extra hope? You got a little bit pregnant, now we just need you to get well and truly knocked up. I'm cheering you on.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSummer
We just went through something similar. I kept saying out loud, "This would NOT be a good time to be pregnant," but inside I was thinking, "Yay." I never got a positive test either, but I still sorta though maybe I was. Bummed me out. I'm sorry.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSue
That sucks.

I had a chemical pregnancy on our first attempt. My home test was negative, so I was resigned to that, when I had a very, very low but not quite negative blood test, giving us a teeny, tiny, but still not very realistic glimmer of hope for a weekend, until the follow-up beta was truly negative on Monday.

I totally agree with your description of the feeling. I was sad for the loss, although I'd never even known it was there, relieved that it had happened then and not weeks later, but, also, glad to know that we'd at least gotten egg and sperm together.

Big hug.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWhozat
Be kind to yourself these next few days.

I'm sorry, Alice.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdaysgoby
Been there. It does hurt. I'm sorry.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTwice Five Miles
So sorry - I remember those days. You're in my thoughts.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Milton
I'm very sorry. Take care.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBusy Mom
I'm so sorry.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMoMMY
That sucks. I'm so sorry.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLaura
I'm so sorry. I've had two of those later miscarriages, and in my opinion, they all suck.
November 19, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTammy

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