Guilt, guilt, and more guilt.

Oh my, am I ever fired up. Fired up but good! You'll have to go to Wonderland to find out why.

In other news, my son, Henry—perhaps you've heard me mention his name here before—he's at preschool right now. On Friday, school lets out at 12:30. But his school provides this lovely aftercare option, wherein you can leave your child to fingerpaint and cavort and pee in his pants and all those activities that preschoolers enjoy. Aftercare continues until five p.m. It's cheap. It's awesome.

Now, I work. I have projects, and deadlines, and I make (a little) money, and so forth. Ending my work day at 12:15 simply does not cut it, in terms of Getting Things Done. Meanwhile, aftercare, to Henry, is a tiny wedge of heaven—a place where he gets to play with all the Legos a Lego addict like himself could wish for. If I don't leave him in aftercare, he's angry with me. When I pick him up, he begs to say for another few minutes.

I need it. Henry loves it. But—can you see where this is going?—leaving him there fills me with guilt. FILLS. I am guilt-soaked. I am marinating in it. No, I'm macerated by guilt, and covered in a lovely sage-infused guilt reduction. But why? Why, my friends? Am I trained to feel inadequate, no matter which decisions I choose? Because you can bet that if I picked him up at 12:30 and he wanted to stay, I'd feel you-know-what.

Oh, but this is all such a cliché. Hi, I'm a cliché! I'm steps away from this, except without the laughs:

Comments

[Type (little) a]

I went back to work in June when my daughter was 2, after being home with her since she was born.

Originally, I only worked 3 days a week. BUT! I signed up for 5 days a week daycare, so I could be "flexible", with every intention of having her home with me on the 2 days I wasn't working.

HA! I don't think she missed a day! But I got to get pedicures! And clean my house! And feel G-U-I-L-T-Y!!!

You are not alone.

[Amy]

Great video! And I'm with you about the guilt. I usually get home at 5:00 but the kids don't notice me until Noggin ends at 6:00 - so I've found myself staying later but then feeling guilty that I'm not home with my kids who ignore me.

[meleahrebeccah]

I know excatly how you feel. My son is 10, and I still feel the pangs of devesating guilt when or if I am away from him for too many hours in a day. It's just another part of being a mom. (but that damn guilt never gets easier!)

[jenB]

I wear guilt like a bad pair of Jordache jeans my friend. It does not look good.

That video though? HI-larious. \

I love you.

[Country Mouse]

Four and a half says enjoy the aftercare time, baby. Four and a half's having a real good time, see.

(And, you know, it's good for four and a half, too. But four and a half doesn't know that. Bring on the socialization! Down with the guilt!)

[Lisa]

Aftercare is the shizzle. I am convinced that my 4 1/2 has tons more fun playing with his friends, on the playground, than he would hanging out with a stressed out mommy who hasn't had time to pee all day. He is with trained professionals who know how to entertain a person of his stature as opposed to the 2 or 3-trick pony that is his mom. Plus, he takes naps at aftercare - but not at home.

[Leah]

Time to get over it. You're working, he's happy - pretend he's off in college. Have a glass of wine and enjoy the silence. I'm jealous as hell.

[melissaS]

I tried to get the kids into after care -slash- Juvinile Deliquent Training -slash- Latch Key. But they were all full. No room.

Please enjoy the extra hours for me. Because the 12:30 to 3:15 thing doesn't cut it either. Not at all.

I only got a chance to watch the video just now and "10 and 2 woo hoo"! Is going to be my minivan catch phrase!

[coolbeans]

From my therapist:This is where reframing is helpful. When you feel guilty, turn it into something positive. Instead of "I feel guilty" tell yourself, "Henry is having fun and I am doing something I need to do for me. I am teaching him that parents need to take care of themselves, too." Picture yourself putting the guilt into a container. Tuck it away in a drawer. Or a box.

From me:You're not drinking enough.

Also from me:If this comment helps you in any way, you owe me $90. If it didn't, you owe me $90.

[coolbeans]

Haha. That was some timing with the commenting.

[silvermine]

Oh yes. Everything everyone said. Ditto.

[Vikki]

When I was on maternity leave, we put my son in the after care at his school two days a week so that I would be free to concentrate extra hard on keeping the baby alive on those two days. The first day he was to come home early with me...well, he cried and begged me let him stay all day. He cried so loudly that I am sure every parent in the joint was convinced I beat him regularly, possibly using the newborn baby as a weapon. We ended up putting him in after care every weekday. It was like a buffet of guilt...leaving my child with other people when I was home and then my child not wanting to be with me. Yeah.

[Mel]

I haven't been here in like a year and am pleased to find you can still reduce me to a blathering laughing crying mess. Ah, yes, I've missed you, Finslippy. My coworker across the hall just stopped by to make sure I am ok. Yes. Very. Thanks Alice.

[Jen]

yeah...My son, EVERYDAY, looks at me like Ive just stepped on his big toe, when I come to pick him up from Aftercare.Instead of guilt, now Im just jealous of those college students who get to spend all that time with my Precious.

[slouching mom]

My five-year-old gets angry with me if I am two minutes early to pick him up from school, angry if I am two minutes late, and angry when I am on time ("because there are still other kids for me to play with, Mom"). How can I win, I ask you? How?

[braine]

SM, who said anything about winning?

But don't worry! Science has found a new way for us all to LOSE!

[Jen]

Yes, you are trained to be inadequate. I think all mothers are now trained to feel as though their parenting skills are never enough, insufficient, and just inadequate generally through the media. I read your Wonderland posts, the last two, and I have two thoughts: first, much of your post on the Mommy Wars Ceasefire reminds me of that fabulous book, The Mommy Myth--it's an important book for us all to read, I think. Also, a friend of mine who lives in Colorado Springs just mentioned to me the other day that one of the local news stations featured a story on a "study" (one I haven't heard/read about elsewhere) on how children in daycare are more likely to have behavioral problems later. Now, truthfully, I'm in favor of science and research, but this seems to me to be the kind of study just designed to increase tension between moms and to increase the guilt women feel about taking children to daycare. Makes me furious.

[Libby]

I come here because misery loves company--even though my problems are different than yours(T-E-E-N-A-G-E-R--yikes,)I love comiserating. Oh. And I love to laugh. You're the best! And thanks for that video. She's hilarious! Off to Wonderland now....

[Posy]

I stay home with my kids, and I homeschool them, and I still feel guilty most of the time. Am I forgetting to teach them something? Are they missing out?

I wonder if mothers have always felt guilty, or if it is just the evil studies that torment us.

[Belinda]

It's also cliche' to say how much better I feel about my own angst after reading this...but screw it. I feel better about my own work-related angst after reading this.

[Kerri]

Alice,You need to have another baby. When that baby is 4 and Henry is in elementary school, you will look back at this time and wonder why on earth you were feeling guilty about leaving him for a few extra hours in the aftercare program, because those Alone opportunities will be few and far between. And you will miss them. A lot.

[Melanie]

Guilt is the worst part of mommying. Worse than poop or temper tantrums or having to say for the 9 millionth time that, actually, the cat is NOT a weapon, and no you can't have 6 ice cream sandwiches and because I freaking SAID so, okay? The weird thing is that guilt is what we do to ourselves, you know?

[Elizabeth]

My 8 year old son keeps asking me if he could please go to the after-care program at school because it sounds like SO MUCH FUN, and his friend Forrest goes, and they have COOL TOYS. It also costs $30 a day, so...no.

[karrie]

My son has a similar love for his extended days. I understand the weird, creeping guilt, but really, who am I to ruin his fun?

[cce]

Ohhh the guilt and the feelings of inadequacy. Just did some exploring of the DIYD squared syndrome (damned if you do, damned if you don't work that is, myself. By the way, aftercare is worth celebrating. Someone I know once put it very succinctly, "Would your kids rather be home following you around while you vacuum or would they prefer using Playdoh and eating Doritos and biting other kids their age?" The answer's easy and now you can feel guilt free.