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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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Tuesday
Jun052007

What? Oh, hi.

I don't know, I just woke up with this crappy headache. I'm going to start each blog post in the middle of a conversation, I hope you don't mind. So I imagine that we've been chatting for a few minutes now and you finally just blurt out, is something wrong or do you hate me? And then I say, etc. Bad headache. As if any headache can be good? I guess the headache that tells you you're alive. Like, you wake up in the hospital, filled with tubes, and your head is pounding, and you're all, I can feel my head! Jubilee! You use "jubilee" as an exclamation, did I mention? If you didn't before, now you do. Come on, try it. It will make you happy! Jubilee!

I have the kind of headache that screams you need coffee, friend, but I've now enjoyed far more coffee than a hothouse flower such as myself should ever enjoy, so I'm trembling and my head is still pounding. I don't know, I don't even know why I'm mentioning the headache. It's probably allergies. That's my mom's answer to everything. Did I ever tell you about the time I developed severe vertigo? One day I was in my apartment, sorting through the mail—I think this was, oh, six years ago—and WHAM the entire room tipped over, and BOOM I was on the ground, and FLIMFLAMAROO I was then okay but wondering if rooms are supposed to tip over like that. Then it started happening every twenty minutes or so, this normal normal normal BAM normal vertigo attack, and it was no good at all. My doctor sent me to another doctor who screamed ANEURYSM! EMERGENCY! And Scott and I were screaming and crying all the way to the emergency room, but of course it wasn't that, and then the neurologist said MS! YOU HAVE MS! And we wept and rent our garments, but nope, it wasn't that, and all along my mom is calling me and insisting, allergies, I know it's allergies, in her Long Island-by-way-of-Astoria accent, ALL-UH-GIES, and OH it made me mad. Allergies, she says, when I am clearly nearing death! Then the weeks passed and the vertigo went away and I stopped thinking about it until exactly one year later, when it hit me again. At the beginning of autumn. And I went for more tests. Final diagnosis: allergies. Damn it all to hell.

I was going to write about something else, but I am both sped up and foggy, kind of like I imagine Izzy is, all the time. What's this? Whatever it is, I will kill it. And—POUNCE! Oh, my poor dog. I will write more about cat/dog relations some other time, so you non-pet-loving people can skip over that entire post. But my poor dog is not happy with this kitten. I am betting on her calming down with age, but for all I know she will just gather more strength and more energy until she is able to tear him apart with the force of her mind. I always wanted a telekinetic cat, sure, who doesn't? but not at this price, dear God, no.

Hey, it's our eighth wedding anniversary today! Which makes it especially wonderful that I woke up growling my goddamn head is killing me can you quit it with the goddamn whistling? He would marry me all over again, if he had the chance. Seriously, though, if you're not married but want to know what to look for in a spouse, I will lend you Scott for a day or two. All right, that's creepy, so I'll just tell you why he's excellent marriage material. First of all, he wakes up with Henry, allowing me extra sleeping-in time. I'm almost embarrassed to add that he brings a cup of coffee to me each morning, too, but there, I just did. And on the weekends, he makes pancakes, baby, and the pancakes are delicious. So the whole morning-routine thing alone makes Scott a man worth marrying. And he's scarily funny. This weekend alone, at several different times, he had me laughing so hard I got a little frightened that I might not be able to stop. Ah, that heady combination of giddiness and terror—you can't beat that. So marry Scott today! Oops, too late. Hands off, ladies. You too, men.

Reader Comments (66)

Jubilee! It's your anniversary! And jubilee! I'm not the only one suffering. I feel better already. Hope you do too.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkate
Somebody's hitting the morphine or something today -- and I like it. Jubilee! Why is that word not used more often? Jubilee! It encapsulates exactly what it means and I'm planning on running around using it ALL THE TIME, to the annoyance of everyone I know. And I'll tell them, it's all Alice's fault. Tell HER how annoyed with my overuse of Jubilee! you are. I like that you also used "FLIMFLAMAROO" in the same post as my now-beloved Jubilee! It's like Mary Poppins with vertigo-causing allergies. FLIMFLAMAROO! Supercallafradgalisticexpealadocious! (can anyone really spell that?)
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie
Oh, god, I got so excited I forgot to wish you happy anniversary. Happy anniversary!If you ever want to lend Scott out, I'll trade you. Mine won't bring coffee in bed, and if he does for special occasions he always makes it wrong. And he wouldn't know a pancake if it bit him in the ass. He does have the funny, though, the almost pee your pants funny.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie
The headache could very well be caused by allergies. It was my allergist who diagnosed my migraines when I went in for a routine visit & described them to him. He said "You've just described a classic migraine." I agree with Michelle; imitrex is a wonder drug. Sometimes takes an hour or two to really kick the migraine's ass, but it does work.

Happy anniversary, and hope you feel better soon.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermarylandmezzo
not that you need any more advice but hi here it is anyway! It could be a tension headache where your neck/shoulder muscles are all bunched up. So, you might need a massage.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjen
I have a boyfriend who fills the house with hidden love notes and folds the laundry so precisely that every closet looks like a Prada showroom. In return I'm the boyfriend who hides New Yorker cartoons in his pockets for him to find later and who cooks delicious meals and gives him temple rubs just because.

Not to brag, but we're also thinking of getting a peripatetic cat. So there.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJake
I once had a telekinetic cat. He gave me a really bad headache before he tore me apart with his mind. Booooooo!

There's your post from the great beyond. Jubilee!
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterI, Rodius
i get headaches like those, i always thought they were allergy/barometric pressure sinus headaches. i take claritin-d and tylenol like it's my job. my liver just keeps chuggin away, god bless it.

happy anniversary, alice! here's to husbands who are wise enough to leave us the coffee to power us through 9 hours with their offspring. i make the pancakes on the weekends, though, while he takes care of the bacon and eggs. life is indeed good.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterpnuts mama
I'm with Melanie. Jubilee made me chuckle right out loud and made my children demand to know what was so funny.

Jubilee! Wheeeeee!
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca F.
I'll bet those two doctors you mentioned (the diagnosis geniuses) got together later and just laaaaaaughed BWAAAHAHAHAHAH at their tag-team crushing of your soul, while drinking vodka straight from a bottle and screaming "Jubilee!" after every sip.



Happy anniversary!
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteraimee/greeblemonkey
Jubilee! It works! Sweet merciful crap you're even funnier on caffeine. Happy Anniversary, you crazy kid.

The headache could possibly be allergy related, hate to admit it...but every year around my anniversary in Sept. I get nasty sinus infections and they feel like mild migraines (which I get monthly, so I am lucky enough to be able to compare, whee) and it's all due to allergies. Your mom would feel so vindicated.

Geez, between you and Amalah this morning my boss is going to wonder why I'm laughing hard enough to snort coffee through my nose.
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterreenie
Great husband, eh? He's got you drug-dependent so that you can't function without him to meet your craving/make the coffee.

;)Happy Anniversary! Hope he makes great pancakes for you :)
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRLJ
When we lived in Minneapolis the grocery store down the street was Jubilee foods. My husband and I always said it loudly and with exclamations, as in: "We're out of milk. Could you stop and get some at JUBILEE!?" or "Honey, I'm off to JUBILEE!!"Also, telekinetic cat will be the phrase that runs through my mind all day. It's extremely fun to say. Thanks for throwing it out there.
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSara
chocolate helps, along with caffeine. i get migraines very often. about 6 dark hershey kisses and a coke or 2 usually help. otherwise they're bad enough to land me in the hospital getting intraveinous fluids ativan, phenergan and whatever the narcotic of the day is. that happens at least 3 times a year. i have a headache today actually, but so far am not headed for the hospital. JUBILEE!

oh and yoohoo also helps you feel better, especially if the headache is part of a hangover!
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdana
Even with a raging headache, you make me laugh. I eagerly await hearing more about the cat-dog relationship.

I don't know how you're managing with a bona fide kitten... I adopted a 9-month old cat (who is now actually 14 months old) and he is still killing EVERYTHING. Fly? KILL. Dental floss? KILL. Pulls for the blinds? KILL. The trim on the wall? KILL. And that's after he's KILLED all his toys and dragged their cold, dead bodies off to his bed for safekeeping. Sigh. He makes me tired.
congratulations on the anniversary, and I hope that your headache goes away soon. Nothing is worse than sinus headaches (and I would know!).
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKait
Happy Anniversary. My mother had vertigo issues a couple of years ago - at least you found a reasonable answer. We just called my mother a dizzy bitch and sent her to sleep it off.
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGarnigal
Aren't husbands who get up before you, feed everyone (I have critters, no kids yet), and get you coffee the best? Happy Anniversary! And if he is half as funny as you, you two must be hysterical to hang around.

I've had the allergy vertigo experience and it ain't pretty. I walk with my head slightly tilted. It's professional and sexy.

I hope the headache goes away and you feel much much better soon!
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea
I also have a Scott (named Ian). They are the best ones. Without fail, he does the morning dog walk/ feeding so that I can sleep in, and when I do finally get up, not only is the coffee ready, but my morning smoothie fruit has already been placed in the blender so that I don't have to put my hands into the freezer.

He's just that nice.

Happy Anniversary.
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMartina
Reading your posts makes me want to stop blogging. I just can't compete.

Happy Anniversary.
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJoe
Hope the headache gets better and the kitten leaves Charlie alone soon! The vertigo thing sounds like what a friend of mine had last year - benign positional vertigo. It was hideous while it lasted but was gone in a day or so and she has never had it again - so far.
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMauigirl52
Oh, I hope your headache gets better! I had a terrible headache the day before yesterday-- the kind that you go to sleep with and then you wake up and you still have a headache. Dang it.

(I also, incidentally, came down with UTI last week which I am on my second round of drugs for. Perhaps we are being tortured by the same voodoo practitioner?)

Totally unrelated to your post: Picky eating assvice! On my blog!
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjaelithe
P.S. You have a prize husband there. My husband also lets me sleep in, and he makes pancakes every Saturday, but I have been afraid to let the internets know this, for fear some other wife will kidnap him for her own. Happy Anniversary!
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjaelithe
Happy Anniversary!

So sorry about the headache, I hope by now you are feeling better. I can certifiably say that HEADACHES SUCK.

My headaches laugh at imitrex. Today, my headache is mocking my vicodin too. But I'm alive, JUBILEE! :) Thanks for the giggle!
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAngel

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