Home - Top Row


Home - Bottom Row

Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« It takes him longer to catch up, before he's had his morning coffee. | Main | Everything I learned about writing, I learned in 10th grade French class. »

What? Oh, hi.

I don't know, I just woke up with this crappy headache. I'm going to start each blog post in the middle of a conversation, I hope you don't mind. So I imagine that we've been chatting for a few minutes now and you finally just blurt out, is something wrong or do you hate me? And then I say, etc. Bad headache. As if any headache can be good? I guess the headache that tells you you're alive. Like, you wake up in the hospital, filled with tubes, and your head is pounding, and you're all, I can feel my head! Jubilee! You use "jubilee" as an exclamation, did I mention? If you didn't before, now you do. Come on, try it. It will make you happy! Jubilee!

I have the kind of headache that screams you need coffee, friend, but I've now enjoyed far more coffee than a hothouse flower such as myself should ever enjoy, so I'm trembling and my head is still pounding. I don't know, I don't even know why I'm mentioning the headache. It's probably allergies. That's my mom's answer to everything. Did I ever tell you about the time I developed severe vertigo? One day I was in my apartment, sorting through the mail—I think this was, oh, six years ago—and WHAM the entire room tipped over, and BOOM I was on the ground, and FLIMFLAMAROO I was then okay but wondering if rooms are supposed to tip over like that. Then it started happening every twenty minutes or so, this normal normal normal BAM normal vertigo attack, and it was no good at all. My doctor sent me to another doctor who screamed ANEURYSM! EMERGENCY! And Scott and I were screaming and crying all the way to the emergency room, but of course it wasn't that, and then the neurologist said MS! YOU HAVE MS! And we wept and rent our garments, but nope, it wasn't that, and all along my mom is calling me and insisting, allergies, I know it's allergies, in her Long Island-by-way-of-Astoria accent, ALL-UH-GIES, and OH it made me mad. Allergies, she says, when I am clearly nearing death! Then the weeks passed and the vertigo went away and I stopped thinking about it until exactly one year later, when it hit me again. At the beginning of autumn. And I went for more tests. Final diagnosis: allergies. Damn it all to hell.

I was going to write about something else, but I am both sped up and foggy, kind of like I imagine Izzy is, all the time. What's this? Whatever it is, I will kill it. And—POUNCE! Oh, my poor dog. I will write more about cat/dog relations some other time, so you non-pet-loving people can skip over that entire post. But my poor dog is not happy with this kitten. I am betting on her calming down with age, but for all I know she will just gather more strength and more energy until she is able to tear him apart with the force of her mind. I always wanted a telekinetic cat, sure, who doesn't? but not at this price, dear God, no.

Hey, it's our eighth wedding anniversary today! Which makes it especially wonderful that I woke up growling my goddamn head is killing me can you quit it with the goddamn whistling? He would marry me all over again, if he had the chance. Seriously, though, if you're not married but want to know what to look for in a spouse, I will lend you Scott for a day or two. All right, that's creepy, so I'll just tell you why he's excellent marriage material. First of all, he wakes up with Henry, allowing me extra sleeping-in time. I'm almost embarrassed to add that he brings a cup of coffee to me each morning, too, but there, I just did. And on the weekends, he makes pancakes, baby, and the pancakes are delicious. So the whole morning-routine thing alone makes Scott a man worth marrying. And he's scarily funny. This weekend alone, at several different times, he had me laughing so hard I got a little frightened that I might not be able to stop. Ah, that heady combination of giddiness and terror—you can't beat that. So marry Scott today! Oops, too late. Hands off, ladies. You too, men.

Reader Comments (66)

Happy Anniversary,Happy Anniversary,Happy Anniversary,Haaaaaaaaaaaaappy Anniversary!Happy happy happy happy happy Anniversary,Happy happy happy happy happy Anniversary,Happy Anniversary,Happy Anniversary,Happy Anniversary,Haaaaaaaaaaaaappy Anniversary!

(I think this is why I should remain a lurker and NEVER de-lurk.)
June 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEva
The cup of coffee in the morning. Yeah, isn't that the most incredible thing? And yet I was primarily looking for that in a man, to be completely honest. I was unsure whether marriage was the right thing for me but I did need someone to wake me up. I sleep right through the alarm sometimes. The rest is icing on the cake.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY AND I'M GLAD YOU ARE NOT DYING (except in the regular way that we are all are).
June 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterozma
Scary funny is very very good. Funny scary, not so good.
June 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBOSSY
Oh yes, the dreaded allergies. It's best to just have your brain removed and have done with it, because they NEVER GO AWAY. DOOM!

Happy Anniversary! I'm having my first on Sunday, and I have to agree that marriage is a swell institution, no matter what the naysayers are yelling. I would marry Simons again for his mad coffee making skills alone. Or his dimples, yea gods. Meow.
June 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJemima
Happy Anniversary!

As a sufferer of migraines and just about every other headache imaginable -- I'm lucky if I don't spend half of every week with some sort of head pain -- I feel like I speak from a place of authority when I say that there is definitely a spectrum of head-aching-ness. Some headaches are niggling. Some are bad. And some make you start to think that decapitation would be a pleasant fate.

Oh, also, I totally blame my total inability to string words together prettily on my new job. Sorry for general incoherence.
June 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterfeather
I read that last paragragh out loud to my husband and then turned to him and said, "She's so funny, but you have it all over him." He said, "Then he should wipe it off."
June 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterErika
Happy Anniversary!

My mother's belief was that anything that could ever be wrong with you was because you were either a) an alcoholic, b) a dry drunk or c) in need of counseling. And also, that I'm a hypochondriac. But now, many years later, she likes to fill my inbox with tons and tons of emails about every possible disease ever. It's great.
June 8, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDM
Happy Anniversary to you both! Hope you cured that headache in time to participate in a little "foreplay"!

I have a WORST Father's Day contest of sorts going on this week...come check it out!!
June 10, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFENICLE
The U.S.-Mexican border fence works, doesn't work

June 27, 2007 | Unregistered Commenternorvasc plus
People should be allowed to go naked in certain recreational areas only

August 8, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterash cigar club
Hallo! Es hat sich doch gezeigt, dass die 301 Umleitung einer minus-31 Domain nichts bringt weil die Seite auf die umgeleitet wird auch auf Platz 31 landet. Wenn nun jemand seine -31 Domain auf meine Domain umleiten wurde um mich als Konkurrenten zu argern, gabe es fur mich keine Moglichkeit diese Manipulation herauszufinden. Ich wurde ratseln was ich falsch gemacht hatte und dabei ist es nur ein Trick der Konkurrenz. Edit: Ich habe die Frage vergessen! Gibt es doch eine Moglichkeit herauszufinden ob jemand seine Domain auf meine umgeleitet hat?

alguem sabe me dizer se e possivel rotacionar uma imagem com angulo de 30?, 45?, ... (em css, javascript, sei la, qualquer

August 10, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbeer can conetop
I feel like a fog, not that it matters. I've pretty much been doing nothing , but eh. Today was a loss. I haven't gotten much done for a while.
August 14, 2007 | Unregistered Commentervinyl tote bag
Males should be allowed to go shirtless at home only - Or vary with places for another persuasive speech topic
August 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterhomer simpsons dad
Blame the parents of a murderer parents for the crime
August 23, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterarchive florida lottery
Sex offenders should be, should not be castrated
August 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbed frame poster

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>