Pusher man.
January 18, 2008Henry got in trouble yesterday for pushing. I've never known him to be a pusher, but hell, no one's perfect. The teacher took me aside after school. It's not a teacher I know well (they have a few teachers and they sort of rotate, or something, I'll never make sense of the system at work in this place) but I recognized that pinched expression, and I thought, crap.
"Henry was being… not very nice," she said. Which I thought was a less than productive way to express her displeasure, don't you? "He was pushing."
"Oh?" I said, and gave her a little shove. Ha ha!
"Oh?" I said, and kept my hands to myself.
"Then," she added, "when he asked him to apologize, he refused, and when we told him that [INSERT KID'S NAME HERE]'s feelings were hurt, he said, 'That's fine.'" She shook her head. "He said, 'I don't even care about him.'"
She seemed shocked by this. Had she never met a five-year-old before? Do all the other children immediately and sincerely express regret for hurting another's feelings? Do none of them attempt to save face by claiming not to care? Do I have the only full-of-crap preschooler in the universe?
I assured her that I would talk with him, but I didn't have to, because Henry gave me an EARFUL. WELL. That other kid was not following the rules, he was supposed to clean up the blocks when block time was over and he did not clean up the blocks when block time was over and those are the rules, and he wouldn't listen, and Henry was going to get in trouble for not cleaning up the blocks but it wasn't fair because everyone has to follow the rules.
In other words, he had a bad day. I tried to talk to him about pushing but lord, he knows he's not supposed to and he didn't want to talk about it and he kicked at trees the whole way home and called everyone in the universe stupid (sorry, even you). Should I have lectured him until he wept? Being a kid sucks sometimes. I opted to give him a break. I expect he'll stop pushing by the time he's in college.
P.S.: a new Wonderland post is up.
Reader Comments (78)
p.s. congrats on the article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, I was interviewed too. :-)
As noted by a previous commenter, it is clear that you would have received an equal number of supportive comments had Henry been on the opposite side of the push-and-pull exercise.
And that would have been just as swell.
What becomes pushingly clear is that this damn game of parenting is immune to objectivity. Pushers unite and more power to Finslippy for making us believe in the less than obvious.
Henry is a gem, of course!
Nice job.
I have a 5 year old, a three year old and a one year old.
From what you said, I think you handled it well. I would like to second Isabel's comment.
As for the naysayers, CUT ALICE SOME SLACK.
Seriously people. Parenting is the hardest gig on the planet. We beat OURSELVES up enough already (at least I do).
We don't need others to beat us when we are down.
I think you did the right thing. You're HIS mom, you took time to hear HIS side. You definately taught empathy in your response and maybe next time he's frustrated he'll deal with it slightly more appropriately. That's how growing up happens, isn't it?
I just can't condone comming down on teachers trying to do the right thing or parents that ignore behaviors that should be addressed. I know that doesn't make my opinion popular.
You're an awesome mother. And Henry will thank you for this fact. Someday. Not today. I mean, he's 5. But someday.
From what I know about you, I think you're probably a good parent and Henry is probably a great kid, and it's not that I think that the pushing was a Serious Incident. But I do think it was worth telling you about, and something that it would be worth discussing with Henry, even briefly, partly just so that he would know that you and his teachers communicate, partly so that he would have it reinforced for him that Pushing Is Wrong (because it is--pushing doesn't make someone a bad person, but at the same time, having an off day doesn't turn unacceptable behavior into acceptable behavior), partly so that you could hear his side of the story and help him learn to express himself clearly, and partly so that you could help him think about better ways to deal with frustration in the future.
I totally get that he's a little kid, and that little kids behave like this (often, rarely, or almost never, depending on the kid). I don't think it makes a kid "bad" to lose his/her temper. I absolutely loved working with that age group, as frustrating as it could be, and sometimes my most difficult kids were also my most rewarding kids. But I do think that calmly addressing these events as they occur (when the kid is calm enough to listen), even if they are the exception rather than the rule, is necessary.
Like I said, I'm not sure about the teacher's attitude about reporting this to you--but I do think that she was absolutely right to do so. And I still think that you are great, and that Henry is great, and I'm sure I would love the kids of everyone who has responded that their kids occasionally/ often/ sometimes hit/ pinch/ push/ spit/ whatever. Yup, it's what kids do -- but it's also what we're responsible for teaching them NOT to do. As much as we might want to do those same things sometimes.
Simmer down, all you glass-house pot-calling omniscient misspellers. The author clearly comprehends the implications of this comparatively simple issue.
Reminds me of my daughter's one and only trip to the principal's office when she was in 1st grade. She and her two best buddies were goofing around after school during the after school day care provided there - "Kid's Club" - and one of them said a 'bad word' beginning with S. *gasp* Well buddy number two looked shocked and said, "What did you just say?" and my daughter, quite nonplussed as she heard those words coming from me rather frequently (a word is a word, people) replied, "He said 'Shit.' You aren't supposed to say that at school, Eric." Unfortunately, just then the day care teacher came walking up and overheard the conversation and sent her straight to the principal. She nearly got kicked out for the rest of the week.
Oy. Some people are SO sensitive.
And that's what this is, a narrative. It wasn't a defining parenting moment served up to garner anyone's approval or disapproval.
PS - yours is the one site I can always rely on for a laugh, thank you for the round-up of the parental ineptitude stories, it made my day.
PPS - holy crap, another Charity in the comments!
Five-year-olds are FIVE. If teenagers have trouble with impulse control -- that whole frontal-lobe development thing -- doncha think people who've been on this earth for five years might have an even greater challenge with fitting into accepted society?
That's why we send them to PRESCHOOL instead of giving them briefcases and sending them off to run countries and stuff.
Anyway. Like I said, Go Alice!