Thank you.

I get the feeling this isn't the first time I titled a post "thank you," but I don't think you all hear it enough, considering how much you've given me. I had no hopes for any benefit coming out of that previous post, beyond at least getting the task of posting something off my plate. But the response I received—it absolutely floored me. I didn't think it was possible for comments and emails to help me that much. Just to be able to explain this weird place I'm in was an immense relief, but also knowing that so many of you are out there, rooting for me? I can't even begin to describe what you did. That night was the first time since I came home that I managed to eat any sort of actual food. So thank you, thank you, wonderful people. If I could write you all individual thank-you notes on the extra-good stationery I save for special occasions, I would surely do so. But let's face it, I'm too lazy for that, and I don't know your addresses. It's just not practical. Try and understand.

So. Somehow I managed to write a Wonderland post this week. It may make a little bit of sense. No guarantees, of course.

Comments

[Jeannette]

Courage, toi!

[Julie @ Letter9]

Struggling with PPD right now, I'm totally able to relate to the lack of appetite. I find hotdog buns very comforting. : )

[amy]

your honesty and willingness to share helps others more than you might realise. thank you. i am glad you're feeling a little better.

[Tara]

I am so glad that the (very much deserved) outpouring of love & support from your readers helped, even a little bit. I will continue to keep you & yours in my thoughts and prayers. You'll get through this. More (((hugs))) coming your way!

[dianne]

I've given it some thought, and the virtual bucket of kittens shall be dipped in chocolate. And at least one of them will have a (smallish) keg of Ketel One around its tiny neck.

[You can call me, 'Sir']

Listen, if you want my address, I'll totally give it to you. Seriously. Just ask.

[Beth]

What is the blogosphere good for if not to support each other -- isn't that why we all do it - to not feel so alone? oh sweet Alice - you and I both miscarried within a month of each other and I know how difficult it is. We'll make it - it will make sense some day - I promise.

[Badger]

Hey - I want a letter on that posh paper. I bet it has flowers all up the side and is lightly scented with roses and goodness, right?Seriously, though, your lovely post was, as always, thank you enough. You give us so much and deserve all the love and good feeling we can attempt to pour out through this here Interweb thingy. It's brilliant to think we can help you feel just a little bit better, even for a moment. Grasp those moments and cling on - you are fab, fab, fab, brave, strong, and very loved, not to mention a brilliant, brilliant writer - painfully hilarious (have been reading through the archives to get me through the working day and snorting over my keyboard with great regularity) yet also eloquent on the moments of pain. Thank you for every post you have written, and for all those you'll write in the future.And look - you make me come over all peculiar, and I'm a stiff-upper-lip Britisher and all. What have you done to me, woman?

[Pretty Jane]

You rock. Just happy to see a note from you letting us know how it's going. Hugs from all of us!

[BOSSY]

Wait - you have extra nice stationary set aside for special occasions? Well that's it -- Bossy isn't feeling sorry for you anymore.

:)

[Wendy]

You're welcome. That's what we're here for, right? One big communinet. ((hugs)) again. :)

[Melissa B.]

This place you're in seems familiar. As in, I've maybe not been to your particular place of sadness, but I've been to my own. I feel for you and (hugs)and good vibes are attempting to make their way to you from here! I'm thinking of you.

[Asha {Parent Hacks}]

You have such amazing readers (no surprise there). I'm going to tuck away Yolanda's "If you'll grab the rope we'll keep pulling for you" comment for when I need it myself (Thanks, Yolanda, you don't know me but that just did me in). How incredibly touching -- and it's because of everything you've given here.

You deserve this lovefest and much more.

[Rebecca]

Girl!I'm so glad the comments helped. When you're in the shit, keep going!

[bobbi]

I remember that feeling...remember it well. I hope it ebbs and you find your way up and out of it soon. Until then, we're all still here.....

[Meg]

I'm late to comment, but I wanted to say that I was sending you extra special warm and fuzzy vibes. You sound adrift and afraid, feeling like you are alone in this strange place. But I wanted to tell you that you are most definitely not alone. I've battled depression before, and you put it into words clearly. I've been to that place, others have been to that place, and you are not alone, no matter what it feels like. Knowing that this is PERFECTLY NORMAL should help a little bit (since often people make you feel like it's abnormal). Try to full absorb that. This is normal, you are normal, and you will get better. Something awful happened to you, and for some reason your body has chosen to respond with depression. It's awful but, YOU WILL GET OUT. You will.

The best advice I can give is: keep going to the doctor, stay on whatever meds they give you (even if it seems hopeless), and when it all becomes to much to bear TAKE A WALK. I know this sounds insane, since clearly all you are capable of doing is curling up under the covers and melting into a puddle of tears, and for gods sake you can't even put on your shoes let alone WALK, so why am I even suggesting such madness? But, there is no surer way to clear your head and make you feel a tiny bit less desperate then getting your heart rate up. It won't fix things, but it might make them feel a small bit less overwhelming.

That, and letting yourself get really angry. Don't keep it inside eating at you, let it out and be enraged. Something awful happened to you, and you have the right to lash out, and be more angry then you have ever been in your life. Everyone will survive this anger, even if it feels like the world will collapse from it's enormity. It won't. It's ok.

We're all there rooting for you. I hope my tiny bit of 'been there' advice helps.

xo

[ozma]

Hang in there.

[Jenn]

Sir Winston Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep on going."

I think it's a good philosophy to live by. It makes me smile to read your post today and to know that YOU know how much we all love you, and how we're all pulling for you. Because we are.

((Hugs)) to you, my friend

~ Jenn

[Kristin]

Hugs!

[Sarah]

hugs.

[Kate]

You are hilarious, even in grief. Feel better soon! We'll wait.

[Lunasea]

As always, Alice, you rock. Eating is a really good sign - I remember surviving on Boost liquid because it was the only thing I could swallow in those dark days. Remember that you have a huge pit crew cheering you on.

[Angela]

I've been checking daily ... more than once a day ... to see how you're doing. So glad to see you're feeling even a little better.

Hang in there. We will be here.

[Aaron]

Oh my god, you're funny! The last two sentences of the first paragraph are enough to keep me chuckling all morning.

Hoping you feel some relief soon.

[edj]

Oh good. I absolutely hate getting thank you notes because they induce guilt in me, since I am so terrible at sending them myself. Thank you, Alice, thank you for not sending me a thank you note on extra-nice stationery.