All right, winter, we GET IT.

I have not blogged in a week, and this is because all I can think about is contained in three words: I am cold.

No, wait, here are a few more: it is cold here. That's four words! And: I wish I had an extra sweater right now. 9 words! These are really adding up. I apologize for not writing all this sooner.

I have had just about enough of January. Really, January. You made your point. "I can make you cold," you said, and it's not like any of us disagreed with you. But then you had to go and freeze everything. You vindictive whore.

My skin is cracking from the cold. Every time I absentmindedly scratch my shin, my fingers come back all bloody. Which is really alarming when you're chatting with your therapist. Why is my leg bleeding, you ask? No, I'm not cutting myself with an Exacto knife for fun, it's just that winter is trying to kill me. Why are you looking at me like that? What are you writing in your little notepad?

So, as long as I'm here, let's see... doo dee doo. Oh yes! My son might be some kind of math genius. He's been mocking the kindergarten work they give him, and I gave him a first grade workbook and he blew right through it. I've been trying to come up with number sequences that he can fill in, see if I can't challenge him a bit, considering he's only in school for two hours fifty minutes and his homework takes approximately five minutes for him to complete. I couldn't come up with one that would stump him, until I gave him the ol' Fibonacci sequence and was all, FILL THAT IN, SMARTYPANTS. This also stumped my husband. Not that that's saying much, because Scott has math anxiety when it's time to compute a tip. But still! I predict that someday, my son will figure out tips with no problem. Maybe he can even do my taxes! I knew I wouldn't regret having children.

Comments

[Harriet]

Someone beat me to recommending The Number Devil by Hans Magnus Enzensberger, but allow me to second it. As the parent of a 2nd grader who is already helping me with my taxes, I can tell you it is both a fun read and a great introduction to some big ideas presented in a way a bright kindergartner will not only understand, but enjoy.

[Melis]

I love your blog. You manage to articulate what I find myself thinking when I have to walk three blocks to my office in 14 degree weather.

"....but then you had to go and freeze everything. You vindictive whore."

HERE, HERE.

[Breathin']

-30 here in Eastern Canada...and doesn't look like it's thawing for another few days! Ugh....I hate the Winter dry skin period..and am so looking forward to summertime sun!! :)

[Shnerfle]

I have one of those scary genius kids, too. He freaks me out on a regular basis with the things that make him go, "duh".

And if it makes you feel any better about that dirty whore, January, it's super dry here in LA, and my skin is all lizardy. Of course, it's 80 and I'm lying in the sun, but still.... dry.

[Jo]

I live in Alaska. No joke. Currently basking in the luxury of 33 degrees in Bellingham. But still, I have chapped lips since I'm used to more rain than this.

[Cincy]

I'm with Scott. MathPhobe! And, what's with all these schools closing for the weather? -14 in the Chicago suburbs and my kids had to go. Hey, Alice! Get a Snuggie! You'll look so silly, you'll forget how cold you are. That's what happened to me anyway!

[mfk]

The Santa Anas have been acting up in LA recently so we are also cracked, although warmer. certainly can't complain about lizardy skin when you can go outside and soak up the sun like a lizard.

Also, kudos to Henry on his mathemagical abilities. that was... not me. ever. at all. I was more of a reader, and anti-math activist.

[Ree]

Start going into his bedroom at night and whispering, "You want to be an actuary when you grow up." Repeat for the next 12 years.

Then remember who gave you that tip when you're living the high life with maids and a mansion.

[MotherhoodTheUltimateSurvivor]

It's cold cold cold here in Toronto. Last night it was so cold our coachhouse water pipes froze which means our tenant no longer has water. We're currently inviting her in for showers, drinks and free babysitting (we sneak out when she's showering). On a good note, when I bought wine today and then went to my dr's appointment, it was nicely chilled when I got home - just in time for the after school antics of two boys who were forced to stay inside for both recesses

[Kriss]

Hate to gloat everyone BUT I'm reading this from Queensland, Australia. If you haven't heard of Queensland it is also known as the Sunshine State & boy is it hot here. We are suffering through our fourth day of extreme temperatures & gusty hot winds. That said, I am not looking forward to winter when it comes [even when it doesn't come close to snowing!].

[patois]

You're clearly bringing on the cold by tripping up your kid with math. Congrats on having a genius who will do your taxes for free. (But might make intentional errors to avenge your tripping him up as a kid.)

[faithful reader]

I remember months back when you installed your donations button that you mentioned you were going to begin writing daily (or at least more frequently). Were the donations not enough to inspire you to keep this promise?

I only ask because I love your writing.

[Lioness]

I remember months ago when you installed your donations button that you mentioned you were going to begin writing daily (or at least more frequently) about the always [ALWAYS!] anonymous commenters who regurgitate passive-aggressiveness and a rather perplexing sense of entitlement under the guise of devotion. Were the donations not enough to inspire you to keep this promise?

I only ask because I love your writing.

[Stacy]

One day (not yet, from the level of math you described him being at, but in a few years) he is going to LOVE Sideways Arithmetic from Wayside School. http://www.amazon.com/Sideways-Arithmetic-Wayside-School-Sachar/dp/0590457268/ref=si3_rdr_bb_product

And, if you are not a math person, you are unfortunately going to HATE helping him with the problems (my sister and my mother got to enjoy this dynamic when she was little). Do you have friends or relatives who like both kids and math? Time to start putting in favors now so they can work with Henry on this sort of thing later.

[kristi]

So, not to rub it in (you know this can't possibly be followed by anything that will in any way make you feel good)... but it was 76 here today and I got a little hot in my jeans and short sleeves.

Please feel free to mock me mercilessly in about four months when you can literally fry an egg on the sidewalk. LITERALLY.

Give and take. In Phoenix.

[TSM_Oregon]

I am constantly amazed that the weather (and powers-that-be-in-general) do not see fit to bow to MY every whim. I mean, seriously...I could totally solve the economic crisis AND global warming! Yet not even I can make this cold weather go to Texas and bother my ex husband. *sigh*

All that to say that I can relate, my friend.

[AmyAnne]

Oh the skin cracking!! The fine little cracks that follow the wrinkles in your knuckles. The big fat cracks that show up just under your nail. The bleeding cuticles. The sandpaper sound your skin makes when it brushes up against something.

January, the vindictive whore she is, brings her john, Mr. HOT-DRY-SantaAnna-WINDS to our parts. So I'll move my cracked and bleeding shorts and flip flop wearing SoCal butt along now.

Ew. My butt isn't cracked and bleeding my hands are, ok?!

BTW mathgeeks are HOT.

[Elissa Minor Rust (Waxing Gibb]

Skin cracking is the worst. I go through winter with band aids on the ends of every single cracked finger--and being a mom, that means a nice mixture of mutant ninja turtles and hello kitty band aids. Yeah. Not easy getting my college students to take me seriously when I look like that.

Glad to have discovered your blog! Here's hoping you survive the cold . . .

[Sonja]

Is it okay that I hear Oprah's voice whenever I read the title of this post?

[Why Mom Drinks Rum]

Son's math just kicked my ass. And instigated a fight with hubby as apparently my pointing out that the difference between two numbers was 9 and not 7 was "Being argumentative..."

Seriously though...can he tutor my son? He's in grade 4 and it's beyond me.

Man, it's a good thing I don't work with numbers for a living...say, doing mortgages, working out late interest, or moving money from here to there so people can buy houses. That would be really...unfortunate.

[JenK]

It's good to find a use for your children early. I'm thinking my oldest will be an actress who will support me in my old age. Nobody can bring on fake tears faster than her. They youngest has still got me wondering. I'm afraid her tendancy to run through the house naked screams TABLE DANCER. Still- it's always handy to have a few extra ones around the house.

[Ashley]

I'm delurking to thank you for turning me on to Edith Frost. She only has five fans on Facebook! WTF!

Also, and you might have already done this, it might be a good time to introduce the boy to antidisestablishmentarianism (the word, not the concept). It's just as awe inspiring as Avada Kedavra to the elementary school set.

[Asianmommy]

After having the subzero temperatures here in Chicago, today's 20's felt downright warm. It's all relative, I guess. By the way, Aquaphor helps with the cracked skin.

[Candy]

When my now-16-year-old son was little, he was a math whiz too. I used to try to convince him to be an accountant. I mean, who doesn't want a CPA in the family?? And now, he's just average in math. I wonder what happened to him? Too much expectation on my part, probably.

[PB Rippey: blogma (sleepless m]

Yes, yes! Goodbye January! We had a heatwave, but still--it wasn't pleasant and skin cracked and bled! And whoever heard of running the A/C in January??? Also, we keep getting colds! It's CRAZY!!!