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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
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and Finally Turn You
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Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« Irreverent. Curious. Vaginas. | Main | Business Time. Part Whatever. »
Wednesday
Jul222009

This actually seems to have happened.

Well! What did you do yesterday?

You know you're wondering how it went, don't deny it. So here's a recap of the day. Aaand…go!

The morning was a little more adrenaline-packed than I had expected, as the traffic was bad and our driver had to perform some insane and possible illegal maneuvers to get us to the studio. (In retrospect we should have taken the subway, but it's hard to say no when someone offers to "send a car for you." It sounded so classy!) Scott kept cramming Xanax into my mouth as I hyperventilated and the driver was all, "Once I drove a high-powered executive when the traffic was this bad, and we had to exit to the nearest heliport," and "Once I was driving Calvin Klein, and he said, 'I cannot sit in this traffic; where is the nearest heliport?'" So I shrieked, "I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO A NEARBY HELIPORT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE GETTING AT," and he shrugged. Because it was exactly what he was getting at. He wished he could dump us at a heliport so that a chopper would take us and he could listen to his news radio in peace.

But as it was, I am too poor to commandeer a helicopter at will, and he was stuck with the two of us--me whimpering, Scott alternately soothing me and sending out Twitters because he was trying to drive me insane--until we reached Rockefeller Center. And we were so grateful that he got us there that Scott kept handing him twenties while I stuck my tongue in his ear.

When we arrived we found out that the segment had been moved up twenty minutes, which I am glad I didn't know beforehand because I would have thrown up all over that lovely car. I had ten minutes to get dressed and get my makeup and hair done. The stylists actually did the makeup and hair at the same time; I don't know how they did it, but they did. If I tried to put on my own lipstick while my hair was being tugged upward to the crazy heights it reached, I would have ended up with pink lines across the bottom half of my face. That's why they're professionals. I could see Tori behind me calling out to Dean, and I realized I have no idea what Dean looks like, he could have been the guy doing my hair, which would have explained a lot. (Enough about the hair, Alice.) (It's just…look. The hair was a little enthusiastic for my taste, is all. But I know, I know—it's daytime TV and they have their mysterious daytime-TV ways. Daytime TV viewers like HAIR! instead of just my normal lowercase style. And so it was.)

A lovely wardrobe lady helped me into my mysteriously high-tech blouse, which had Slots and Tabs and I was sure I was going to mess it up and WHOOPSIE EVERYONE CAN SEE MY BRA! (Which is why I also bought a new bra, by the way.) (It's a lovely bra. You should have seen it.) Once properly dressed, I met up with Laura and Melissa and I made more jokes about all the Xanax I was taking, HAHAHAHA EVERYONE LAUGH AT ME, and they smiled sadly and one of them might have called Poison Control.

(Okay. I took nothing more than some useless homeopathic calming agent, because even though I have Xanax in my possession I'm too scared to take it, and I definitely wouldn't take it for the first time shortly before appearing on live television. I probably would have fallen off that high stool. Or laughed weirdly and heartily at Kathie Lee and Tori's mysterious in-jokes. Oh, wait, I did do that.)

Then we were whisked up to the set, which was not the other set that Kathie Lee and Tori were already on although it sure lookedthe same; there are apparently billions of almost-identical sets within the studio, so that the hosts are always slightly lost and confused as to their whereabouts, and then they won't try and escape. So we sat on our high stools and I was feeling my crunchy hair and thinking what have they done to me when Kathie Lee and Tori glided in and Kathie screamed "THE MOMMYBLOGGERS AAAAIIIIEE" and we all screamed back "AIIIIEEEE!" and then we realized she was cheering and not screaming. That was embarrassing. We shook hands with the two glorious orange creatures before us—seriously, they have so much makeup on them, you can't even tell they're human, if that's what they are, and I'm reasonably sure they might be—and then they were placed upon their seats and energy-boosting nutritional pellets were inserted under their tongues, and we began.

People have commented that the segment seemed…confused, and why didn't Melissa say anything? Here's the thing. We were prepped for many questions, none of which were asked. There were note cards. Kathie Lee and Tori, they had the note cards. In their hands. But they never looked at the note cards. I realized quickly that they were not ever going to look at the note cards, and it was every woman for herself, so I jumped in whenever I could. If they had decided to talk about product reviews, or the relationships between bloggers and corporate entities, Melissa would have been able to jump in and I would have sat there weeping softly into my shirtsleeves. The—questions, I guess you'd all them? Observations? Just happened to veer toward topics I could contribute to, and so I did, and then it was over and everyone looked a little surprised.

We shook hands with Kathie Lee and Tori, and took pictures, and our hosts were placed back in their boxes and wheeled out and everyone else disappeared as well. And we were left to figure out where the exit was. Which we did, eventually, using our Mommyblogging Powers.

So that was that! I managed to talk without using any profanities and my nipples were not even slightly visible, so I couldn't be more pleased. My definition of success in these kinds of appearances has sunk lower and lower, as you can see. And if I ever appear on the Today Show again, I'm going to provide a helpful chart for Kathie Lee explaining where the power button is on most brand-name computers and how you "push" it, and I just bet she'll learn how to turn hers on! She will, you guys. Oh, I can dream, can't I?

Reader Comments (84)

I never thought I would say thank goodness for Tori Spelling, but man, she really kept that interview from becoming another Today Show mommyblogger disaster. It felt like Kathie Lee was trying to steer the interview into a "moms that blog are so weird" thing (maybe just because she's clueless), but Tori really kept it positive by saying that she is constantly online for parenting advice or support.



July 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertuesy
First, I felt like you gave me a shout out because I totally contributed to the post you mentioned (and, if I wasn't so modest, I would tell you I got an honorable mention for it in a subsequent post. I get very little glory in this life - give me this).

Second, how surreal was it to be interviewed by Donna Martin Graduates? I had a famous patient once and it was weird. It was not Angelina Jolie but imagine having the call light go off and hear the nurses complain "God, Angelina Jolie is SUCH a pain. I wish she would get her own damn water" and the like. I imagine it was surreal like that.

Also, you kicked ass being interviewed. Congrats on keeping your nipples wrangled and keeping the four letter words out. I'm very impressed.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEm
Why are you even on there? I mean you barely update your blog, and there's not a lot here. I also wonder the same thing when Melissa's been on there. Why, Why, why? I get why Cafe mom was on there and the other woman, but you? I kept noticing your enormous ass and teeth. That is all.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterclo
You were awesome! I was so excited when I realized it was YOU! It was just happenstance I was even watching at that time, and there You Were!

As my son would say "you rocked the whole band out."

And yeah, KL's comment to Tori about her family was hysterical! I spit out my chai on that one.
I think Kathi Lee was on Xanax. Or if not, perhaps she should be? The Mommy Bloggers came across as very sane and grounded, I thought. What an experience!
I love how Kathie Lee had the gall to say to YOU three "...whatever it is you do." Because, uh, remind me again, Kathie Lee, what exactly it is that...YOU do?
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNothing But Bonfires
Subjective feedback: I watched yesterday after being away from American television for over ten years and stand amazed at the way Tori and Kathie Lee looked and presented themselves. They don't even look human anymore, rather like extremely cheerful and slightly goofy Barbie dolls, and is anyone really that painfully thin?

Given this is what the American public wants from its morning hosts and if a person knew them in real life they probably wouldn't be like this at all, it just boggles. I personally wouldn't want anyone who looked or acted like that in my immediate vicinity. It's scary.

As for you ladies, the one on your right came off as charmingly bossy, the one on your left as nice but strangely silent, and you Alice - although you're right, that hair is wearing you and not the other way around - you appeared to be one of the most beautiful and easy to talk to Mommy Bloggers we've got going today. Very well done.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa
That was kind of like a hilarious parody of a morning talk show interview into which you had been inadvertently inserted. I kept waiting for the laugh track to play.

I can only imagine Kathie Lee talking to someone who wrote a book: "I must confess, I have never read a book! I don't even own one! I do not know how all those little pages work! Is it left to right or right to left? It is so confusing!! And what do those little black marks *mean*? I have no idea. So, congratulations on your little 'book' thing, whatever that is!"
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersamantha
I could barely breathe, it was going so fast . . .
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSwedish Pankakes
Haven't watched the clip yet (I'm overseas and things are S--L--O--W) but I adored this post! You crack me up! And congrats on being on TV. The only time I was on TV, it was MTV (Mauritanian TV) and I was just in a crowd. Guess I'm easily impressed, but still, terrif!
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteredj
Alice, YOU need your own show. I mean it. And invite Tori--let's have an intervention to where we get her to EAT!!!

KLG is a pain. She was on Regis and KL and she is here. I cannot stand her and the fact she's still around alarms me. Really, who does she represent, really? And I LOVE Tori-I was breathless thinking T was going to throw down KLG RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE when she said "Shut it Gifford". Sigh.

You kicked butt girl. And I am proud of you for using your big girl words. NEXT time whip out the color. I'll have your back--I swear!!
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRobin Nowak
You did GREAT!! :) I agree that it all seemed a bit confused...and boy, Kathie Lee and Tori sure like to talk! It was less of an interview and more of a blah-bitty-blah by those two. Oh well. Again, you were wonderful. (By the way, I noticed that KL only asked YOU how many kids you have...it almost seemed bitchy. Me no likey her)
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBria
Can I just say that I too am sick of 'interviews' where the 'interviewer(s)' talk 3x as much as the 'interviewee'. I have mostly stopped watching Oprah for this reason ... she never lets the darn guests talk ... especially the good ones. JMHO

Anywhoo ... you were great yesterday. You are the only one of the three that I 'know' ... so my focus was mostly on you. Yes, the hair was big but I quickly dismissed it as "that is NOT Alice hair".

Agree that KLG needs to shut up about her computer illeteracy already! And, Tori, who I actually kinda like, EAT SOMETHING.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLou
Yeah, your own style is much better. They made you look like Susan Boyle and at least ten years older than you actually are.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElise
I stayed on the treadmill extra time just so I wouldn't miss your segment (I was dying). I thought you did really well and looked great! I like Tori Spelling and KLG, but that show overall needs to give guests more time. Anyways, good job!
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternortherngurl
Well, I think you looked and sounded just lovely. But I am crossing my fingers that no one EVER teaches KLG how to use a computer, because there isn't enough Xanax in the WORLD to get us all through the horror of that woman discovering Twitter, I'm just saying.

July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBadger
I thought you came across as really lovely and not a bit harried. How'd you manage that? ;)

Question: How skeletal is Tori in real life? Because if the camera adds weight, I'm thinking she's no girthier than a broomstick.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterErin
Kathie Lee still scares the shit outta me. Maybe I can borrow your Zanex?
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrepliderium.com
Excellent! You did your readers proud. Smart, grounded, and gorgeous.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDottie
Wow. Kathy Lee Gifford. I don't think I've ever seen her give an interview. Congratulations, Alice: You made that totally awkward interview graceful.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterErin
I had to watch this twice, because I couldn't actually believe what I saw. KLG should just be packed back up into her mothballs and sent back into the storage unit from whence she came. Generally, when people are interviewed there is a point- an effort for something to have been clarified- well all I saw clarified is that KLG is a complete boob. I have to say you ladies handled it with aplomb, but I would have been totally pissed to have taken the trouble to go down there, only to have been subjected to that idiot!
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterherbette
Good lord, KLG couldn't have been more dismissive. She actually *rolled her eyes* as Tori was intro-ing the piece. Someone pull that woman off the air, she's useless.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstephanie
Since you asked, I went to Clementon Park with the hubby & kids yesterday. We had a great time. A word of advice? Pay the $40 and rent the cabana. Awesome, I tell ya.

The three of you look great! The CafeMom lady reminds me of Catherine Zeta Jones....can't quite put my finger on it, but maybe the voice? The beautiful dark hair?It was soooo fast! All that fretting & hand wringing for a minute on screen??
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCatizhere
I liked your answers, and I even liked the way Tori conducted herself—but Kathie Lee clearly doesn't get it. Her bias is extremely irritating and embarrassing. I also can't understand why they give everybody those crazy-uncomfy chairs to sit in!
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjacqueline c
The most surprising thing about that interview was that Tori Spelling actually came across as being really pleasant and somewhat knowledgeable about the issue at hand.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterfrannie

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