Well! What did you do yesterday?
You know you're wondering how it went, don't deny it. So here's a recap of the day. Aaand…go!
The morning was a little more adrenaline-packed than I had expected, as the traffic was bad and our driver had to perform some insane and possible illegal maneuvers to get us to the studio. (In retrospect we should have taken the subway, but it's hard to say no when someone offers to "send a car for you." It sounded so classy!) Scott kept cramming Xanax into my mouth as I hyperventilated and the driver was all, "Once I drove a high-powered executive when the traffic was this bad, and we had to exit to the nearest heliport," and "Once I was driving Calvin Klein, and he said, 'I cannot sit in this traffic; where is the nearest heliport?'" So I shrieked, "I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO A NEARBY HELIPORT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE GETTING AT," and he shrugged. Because it was exactly what he was getting at. He wished he could dump us at a heliport so that a chopper would take us and he could listen to his news radio in peace.
But as it was, I am too poor to commandeer a helicopter at will, and he was stuck with the two of us--me whimpering, Scott alternately soothing me and sending out Twitters because he was trying to drive me insane--until we reached Rockefeller Center. And we were so grateful that he got us there that Scott kept handing him twenties while I stuck my tongue in his ear.
When we arrived we found out that the segment had been moved up twenty minutes, which I am glad I didn't know beforehand because I would have thrown up all over that lovely car. I had ten minutes to get dressed and get my makeup and hair done. The stylists actually did the makeup and hair at the same time; I don't know how they did it, but they did. If I tried to put on my own lipstick while my hair was being tugged upward to the crazy heights it reached, I would have ended up with pink lines across the bottom half of my face. That's why they're professionals. I could see Tori behind me calling out to Dean, and I realized I have no idea what Dean looks like, he could have been the guy doing my hair, which would have explained a lot. (Enough about the hair, Alice.) (It's just…look. The hair was a little enthusiastic for my taste, is all. But I know, I know—it's daytime TV and they have their mysterious daytime-TV ways. Daytime TV viewers like HAIR! instead of just my normal lowercase style. And so it was.)
A lovely wardrobe lady helped me into my mysteriously high-tech blouse, which had Slots and Tabs and I was sure I was going to mess it up and WHOOPSIE EVERYONE CAN SEE MY BRA! (Which is why I also bought a new bra, by the way.) (It's a lovely bra. You should have seen it.) Once properly dressed, I met up with Laura and Melissa and I made more jokes about all the Xanax I was taking, HAHAHAHA EVERYONE LAUGH AT ME, and they smiled sadly and one of them might have called Poison Control.
(Okay. I took nothing more than some useless homeopathic calming agent, because even though I have Xanax in my possession I'm too scared to take it, and I definitely wouldn't take it for the first time shortly before appearing on live television. I probably would have fallen off that high stool. Or laughed weirdly and heartily at Kathie Lee and Tori's mysterious in-jokes. Oh, wait, I did do that.)
Then we were whisked up to the set, which was not the other set that Kathie Lee and Tori were already on although it sure lookedthe same; there are apparently billions of almost-identical sets within the studio, so that the hosts are always slightly lost and confused as to their whereabouts, and then they won't try and escape. So we sat on our high stools and I was feeling my crunchy hair and thinking what have they done to me when Kathie Lee and Tori glided in and Kathie screamed "THE MOMMYBLOGGERS AAAAIIIIEE" and we all screamed back "AIIIIEEEE!" and then we realized she was cheering and not screaming. That was embarrassing. We shook hands with the two glorious orange creatures before us—seriously, they have so much makeup on them, you can't even tell they're human, if that's what they are, and I'm reasonably sure they might be—and then they were placed upon their seats and energy-boosting nutritional pellets were inserted under their tongues, and we began.
People have commented that the segment seemed…confused, and why didn't Melissa say anything? Here's the thing. We were prepped for many questions, none of which were asked. There were note cards. Kathie Lee and Tori, they had the note cards. In their hands. But they never looked at the note cards. I realized quickly that they were not ever going to look at the note cards, and it was every woman for herself, so I jumped in whenever I could. If they had decided to talk about product reviews, or the relationships between bloggers and corporate entities, Melissa would have been able to jump in and I would have sat there weeping softly into my shirtsleeves. The—questions, I guess you'd all them? Observations? Just happened to veer toward topics I could contribute to, and so I did, and then it was over and everyone looked a little surprised.
We shook hands with Kathie Lee and Tori, and took pictures, and our hosts were placed back in their boxes and wheeled out and everyone else disappeared as well. And we were left to figure out where the exit was. Which we did, eventually, using our Mommyblogging Powers.
So that was that! I managed to talk without using any profanities and my nipples were not even slightly visible, so I couldn't be more pleased. My definition of success in these kinds of appearances has sunk lower and lower, as you can see. And if I ever appear on the Today Show again, I'm going to provide a helpful chart for Kathie Lee explaining where the power button is on most brand-name computers and how you "push" it, and I just bet she'll learn how to turn hers on! She will, you guys. Oh, I can dream, can't I?