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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
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Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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This actually seems to have happened.

Well! What did you do yesterday?

You know you're wondering how it went, don't deny it. So here's a recap of the day. Aaand…go!

The morning was a little more adrenaline-packed than I had expected, as the traffic was bad and our driver had to perform some insane and possible illegal maneuvers to get us to the studio. (In retrospect we should have taken the subway, but it's hard to say no when someone offers to "send a car for you." It sounded so classy!) Scott kept cramming Xanax into my mouth as I hyperventilated and the driver was all, "Once I drove a high-powered executive when the traffic was this bad, and we had to exit to the nearest heliport," and "Once I was driving Calvin Klein, and he said, 'I cannot sit in this traffic; where is the nearest heliport?'" So I shrieked, "I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO A NEARBY HELIPORT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE GETTING AT," and he shrugged. Because it was exactly what he was getting at. He wished he could dump us at a heliport so that a chopper would take us and he could listen to his news radio in peace.

But as it was, I am too poor to commandeer a helicopter at will, and he was stuck with the two of us--me whimpering, Scott alternately soothing me and sending out Twitters because he was trying to drive me insane--until we reached Rockefeller Center. And we were so grateful that he got us there that Scott kept handing him twenties while I stuck my tongue in his ear.

When we arrived we found out that the segment had been moved up twenty minutes, which I am glad I didn't know beforehand because I would have thrown up all over that lovely car. I had ten minutes to get dressed and get my makeup and hair done. The stylists actually did the makeup and hair at the same time; I don't know how they did it, but they did. If I tried to put on my own lipstick while my hair was being tugged upward to the crazy heights it reached, I would have ended up with pink lines across the bottom half of my face. That's why they're professionals. I could see Tori behind me calling out to Dean, and I realized I have no idea what Dean looks like, he could have been the guy doing my hair, which would have explained a lot. (Enough about the hair, Alice.) (It's just…look. The hair was a little enthusiastic for my taste, is all. But I know, I know—it's daytime TV and they have their mysterious daytime-TV ways. Daytime TV viewers like HAIR! instead of just my normal lowercase style. And so it was.)

A lovely wardrobe lady helped me into my mysteriously high-tech blouse, which had Slots and Tabs and I was sure I was going to mess it up and WHOOPSIE EVERYONE CAN SEE MY BRA! (Which is why I also bought a new bra, by the way.) (It's a lovely bra. You should have seen it.) Once properly dressed, I met up with Laura and Melissa and I made more jokes about all the Xanax I was taking, HAHAHAHA EVERYONE LAUGH AT ME, and they smiled sadly and one of them might have called Poison Control.

(Okay. I took nothing more than some useless homeopathic calming agent, because even though I have Xanax in my possession I'm too scared to take it, and I definitely wouldn't take it for the first time shortly before appearing on live television. I probably would have fallen off that high stool. Or laughed weirdly and heartily at Kathie Lee and Tori's mysterious in-jokes. Oh, wait, I did do that.)

Then we were whisked up to the set, which was not the other set that Kathie Lee and Tori were already on although it sure lookedthe same; there are apparently billions of almost-identical sets within the studio, so that the hosts are always slightly lost and confused as to their whereabouts, and then they won't try and escape. So we sat on our high stools and I was feeling my crunchy hair and thinking what have they done to me when Kathie Lee and Tori glided in and Kathie screamed "THE MOMMYBLOGGERS AAAAIIIIEE" and we all screamed back "AIIIIEEEE!" and then we realized she was cheering and not screaming. That was embarrassing. We shook hands with the two glorious orange creatures before us—seriously, they have so much makeup on them, you can't even tell they're human, if that's what they are, and I'm reasonably sure they might be—and then they were placed upon their seats and energy-boosting nutritional pellets were inserted under their tongues, and we began.

People have commented that the segment seemed…confused, and why didn't Melissa say anything? Here's the thing. We were prepped for many questions, none of which were asked. There were note cards. Kathie Lee and Tori, they had the note cards. In their hands. But they never looked at the note cards. I realized quickly that they were not ever going to look at the note cards, and it was every woman for herself, so I jumped in whenever I could. If they had decided to talk about product reviews, or the relationships between bloggers and corporate entities, Melissa would have been able to jump in and I would have sat there weeping softly into my shirtsleeves. The—questions, I guess you'd all them? Observations? Just happened to veer toward topics I could contribute to, and so I did, and then it was over and everyone looked a little surprised.

We shook hands with Kathie Lee and Tori, and took pictures, and our hosts were placed back in their boxes and wheeled out and everyone else disappeared as well. And we were left to figure out where the exit was. Which we did, eventually, using our Mommyblogging Powers.

So that was that! I managed to talk without using any profanities and my nipples were not even slightly visible, so I couldn't be more pleased. My definition of success in these kinds of appearances has sunk lower and lower, as you can see. And if I ever appear on the Today Show again, I'm going to provide a helpful chart for Kathie Lee explaining where the power button is on most brand-name computers and how you "push" it, and I just bet she'll learn how to turn hers on! She will, you guys. Oh, I can dream, can't I?

Reader Comments (84)

I just sent an email to the Today Show asking them to never ever EVER let Gifford host segments like this again. She's terrible, condescending and it's infuriating to watch.

I'm sure the email won't get read, but it made me feel better.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNancyvanm
Ugh, Kathy spent the entire segment gushing about her ignorance. How pointless and annoying. You three obviously had knowledge and wisdom to impart...frustrating.

You were so cute describing the origins of "Finslippy"!

July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterErica
Oh...I love living through you. Love the inside scoop on this stuff. KathyLee and Tori look so weird. Just so weird.

And your hair wasn't noticeably done, it just looked "coiffed."

Fun to see, but poor Melissa looked dazed as could be...very funny, stuff. Really.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandra
I try really hard to avoid TV during the day time, but I made an exception for you. You guys looked awesome, and you came across as a far cry more intelligent and pulled together than Tori and Kathie Lee.
Wow, could Kathie Lee Gifford be any dumber? And could that interview have been any shorter? Why yank three people into your studio for an "interview" if you aren't going to let them say anything? I think I just remembered why I don't watch morning television. Or network television. Shut it, Gifford, indeed.

The three of you were very cute and smart in the three seconds they gave you to talk.

However, never let anyone at NBC do your hair again. That is all.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth
Oh my lord in heaven your hair. Your hair.
July 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercee
Those useless homeopathic agents are gateway drugs to Xanax. Or worse! I just want to warn you.

I left them behind long ago is how I know.

Seriously, you are brave. Those blonde women were terrifying. I don't know how you did it. The jumping in thing. I totally could not tell you were doing it. You were seriously smooooooooth. You looked like you'd been on TV hundreds of times. I kid you not.

July 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterozma
I just had to watch again, I love how you look at KLG with the disbelief in your eyes.

I thought that interviewers had to know about the guest's subject? She didn't even care to know. Yeah, let's all just stick our heads in the sand while life rushes at us.

Learn something, KLG, before you do an interview: life can be really nice when you're learning new things about the modern age...

What is her problem, anyway??? Why is she allowed to be so very rude to others? You were so kind to her dimwittedness..I wish I could've read your mind during that whole segment..KLG's eyes just glazed over as if you were speaking to her in mandarin.

Hilarious, even funnier the second time you watch it!!
July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandra
Hey clo, put a sock in it, OK? It's lame to visit other people's blogs just to insult them (OK, well, unless the blog is Kathie Lee Gifford's). Alice, you are very gracious to the stupid.
July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBeth
Tori and Kathie are RIDIUCLOUS but you did great! Seriously Kathie, get a clue.

And just curious if Tori has eaten anything since 1994?
July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBecky
RE: Twitter update. Unless there's a conversation going on that isn't here in the comments, I don't think it's fair to say 'people are complaining that Tori is too skinny and I am too fat' There's one loser here who clearly has some unrelated axe to grind who decided to make a ludicrous (and totally in the realm of fantasy) comment about your ass. A lot of people have commented about how thin Tori Spelling looks. It's not like one person said both things.

Tori Spelling is REALLY thin and I think the reaction to that (while arguable only adding to the 'your worth is your body' problem) is a rejection of seeing that on TV as the model of what we should all look like. It's unrealistic. It's not HER fault, but it makes me depressed that that is what is being presented as the goal by the media.

Also, I thought you were great and made the most of the tiny amount of time you all were given to show the value of what you do.
July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLiz
PS - people could also be concerned for Tori's health. There seem to be a lot of Tori fans out there.
July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLiz
My darling, your hair looked tall and luscious, you sounded erudite as always and you didn't lunge for either orange woman. I just hope you showered. Big hugs Irene xx
July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIrene Ilias
1. You look great but I think it is hilarious how they gave you "mom" hair! Your lowercase hair is so cute and trendy.2. How skinny was Tori in real life? Because normally I think Kathie Lee is way too thin but seeing her next to Tori makes her look rather normal. I can't imagine how anorexic Tori looks in real life.
July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy H
The title of this post just cracked me up!
July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachel E.
Good job Alice. Yes, the prep seems to always be thrown out the window. Like "why did the producers even bother?" I vote for your regular hair, more distinctive. Good you jumped in there!
July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDaphne
Can I just say that Kathy Lee should GO AWAY, FAR AWAY? Okay, I said it and I really feel better! You are awesome and SHE....
July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIngrid
Ok, actually I use to like Kathy Lee . . . but seriously - this is the 2nd interview of 'mommy bloggers' I have seen her participate in and the woman really comes across as an IDIOT!

Give me a break Kathy - if you ARE going to interview someone then - at least - please do a little homework so you can be somewhat comprehensive of what is being talked about instead of seeming like you are not only in left field - but actually outside the fence, across town, with what is actually going on.

I turn 45 in a month or so and am more than embarassed with Kathy Lee's ignorance of 'mommy blogging' in particular and blogging at large.

Finslippy - I have followed you for almost 5 years now and you rocked that interview!
July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMonique
The only thing is, Alice, just think if you HAD taken the Xanax. You'd be like the Joaquin Phoenix of The Today Show, only with jacked-up to jesus hair instead of the full beard. Although if you had trailed off in the middle of your sentences, I think people would have forgiven you. Or thought you were just in on the secret host communication between Tori and KLG.

Next stop Letterman!
July 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlis
Alice, Alice, Alice ... may I call you Alice? Just watched you over on with your hair styled by your own hand and you looked great. Next time the stylists come at you, slap their hands away. If you were nervous prior or during the Today episode, it wasn't evident. You came across as the smart, warm, funny woman that many of us would like to call our friend. On the negative side ... Kathy Lee Gifford? How is she in the least part relevant in any way? And, I know this is harsh but, if you drew a line separating the interviewers from the interviewees you'd have normal humans on the right (from the viewers' perspective) and aliens on the left.
July 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFranca Bollo
You were charming, simply charming. I can't believe what the hour leading up to that interview entailed, though I have to say I could tell someone played with your hair.
July 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaCass
Thanks for posting it, Alice, as I didn't get to watch it! I'm glad you got to get in some comments - it's true, the hosts talk more than the guests get to talk.

I saw a Saturday Night Live skit making fun of Kathie Lee and Tori and that bit about Tori's family made me remember it!
July 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMauigirl
Poor Melissa. Not only did she not get to speak, but the identified as you when they flashed her name and website on the screen!
July 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDani
Your ass is so totally tiny. No kidding.
July 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie
I'm glad you still have comments open on this... you did so good! Thank goodness Tori Spelling was on there... someone who actually has a clue. But most of all, as a girl who usually covets your cute short haircut, those stylists should be fired. I knew that had to be you, since the video was posted on your own blog, but they totally aged you with that 'do! At least your cool, cute self still was able to shine through.
July 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbabs

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