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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« Irreverent. Curious. Vaginas. | Main | Business Time. Part Whatever. »
Wednesday
Jul222009

This actually seems to have happened.

Well! What did you do yesterday?

You know you're wondering how it went, don't deny it. So here's a recap of the day. Aaand…go!

The morning was a little more adrenaline-packed than I had expected, as the traffic was bad and our driver had to perform some insane and possible illegal maneuvers to get us to the studio. (In retrospect we should have taken the subway, but it's hard to say no when someone offers to "send a car for you." It sounded so classy!) Scott kept cramming Xanax into my mouth as I hyperventilated and the driver was all, "Once I drove a high-powered executive when the traffic was this bad, and we had to exit to the nearest heliport," and "Once I was driving Calvin Klein, and he said, 'I cannot sit in this traffic; where is the nearest heliport?'" So I shrieked, "I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO A NEARBY HELIPORT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE GETTING AT," and he shrugged. Because it was exactly what he was getting at. He wished he could dump us at a heliport so that a chopper would take us and he could listen to his news radio in peace.

But as it was, I am too poor to commandeer a helicopter at will, and he was stuck with the two of us--me whimpering, Scott alternately soothing me and sending out Twitters because he was trying to drive me insane--until we reached Rockefeller Center. And we were so grateful that he got us there that Scott kept handing him twenties while I stuck my tongue in his ear.

When we arrived we found out that the segment had been moved up twenty minutes, which I am glad I didn't know beforehand because I would have thrown up all over that lovely car. I had ten minutes to get dressed and get my makeup and hair done. The stylists actually did the makeup and hair at the same time; I don't know how they did it, but they did. If I tried to put on my own lipstick while my hair was being tugged upward to the crazy heights it reached, I would have ended up with pink lines across the bottom half of my face. That's why they're professionals. I could see Tori behind me calling out to Dean, and I realized I have no idea what Dean looks like, he could have been the guy doing my hair, which would have explained a lot. (Enough about the hair, Alice.) (It's just…look. The hair was a little enthusiastic for my taste, is all. But I know, I know—it's daytime TV and they have their mysterious daytime-TV ways. Daytime TV viewers like HAIR! instead of just my normal lowercase style. And so it was.)

A lovely wardrobe lady helped me into my mysteriously high-tech blouse, which had Slots and Tabs and I was sure I was going to mess it up and WHOOPSIE EVERYONE CAN SEE MY BRA! (Which is why I also bought a new bra, by the way.) (It's a lovely bra. You should have seen it.) Once properly dressed, I met up with Laura and Melissa and I made more jokes about all the Xanax I was taking, HAHAHAHA EVERYONE LAUGH AT ME, and they smiled sadly and one of them might have called Poison Control.

(Okay. I took nothing more than some useless homeopathic calming agent, because even though I have Xanax in my possession I'm too scared to take it, and I definitely wouldn't take it for the first time shortly before appearing on live television. I probably would have fallen off that high stool. Or laughed weirdly and heartily at Kathie Lee and Tori's mysterious in-jokes. Oh, wait, I did do that.)

Then we were whisked up to the set, which was not the other set that Kathie Lee and Tori were already on although it sure lookedthe same; there are apparently billions of almost-identical sets within the studio, so that the hosts are always slightly lost and confused as to their whereabouts, and then they won't try and escape. So we sat on our high stools and I was feeling my crunchy hair and thinking what have they done to me when Kathie Lee and Tori glided in and Kathie screamed "THE MOMMYBLOGGERS AAAAIIIIEE" and we all screamed back "AIIIIEEEE!" and then we realized she was cheering and not screaming. That was embarrassing. We shook hands with the two glorious orange creatures before us—seriously, they have so much makeup on them, you can't even tell they're human, if that's what they are, and I'm reasonably sure they might be—and then they were placed upon their seats and energy-boosting nutritional pellets were inserted under their tongues, and we began.

People have commented that the segment seemed…confused, and why didn't Melissa say anything? Here's the thing. We were prepped for many questions, none of which were asked. There were note cards. Kathie Lee and Tori, they had the note cards. In their hands. But they never looked at the note cards. I realized quickly that they were not ever going to look at the note cards, and it was every woman for herself, so I jumped in whenever I could. If they had decided to talk about product reviews, or the relationships between bloggers and corporate entities, Melissa would have been able to jump in and I would have sat there weeping softly into my shirtsleeves. The—questions, I guess you'd all them? Observations? Just happened to veer toward topics I could contribute to, and so I did, and then it was over and everyone looked a little surprised.

We shook hands with Kathie Lee and Tori, and took pictures, and our hosts were placed back in their boxes and wheeled out and everyone else disappeared as well. And we were left to figure out where the exit was. Which we did, eventually, using our Mommyblogging Powers.

So that was that! I managed to talk without using any profanities and my nipples were not even slightly visible, so I couldn't be more pleased. My definition of success in these kinds of appearances has sunk lower and lower, as you can see. And if I ever appear on the Today Show again, I'm going to provide a helpful chart for Kathie Lee explaining where the power button is on most brand-name computers and how you "push" it, and I just bet she'll learn how to turn hers on! She will, you guys. Oh, I can dream, can't I?

Reader Comments (84)

I think you guys did great! And you rocked that hair, lady!



July 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatie
I thought you handled it very well and you answered the questions thoughfully. When Kathie Lee asked "What's the number on question people ask?" I was wondering how anyone could answer such a general question, and then you had a perfect response. And how great is that Tori might be reading right now? I thought it was nice that she's so enthusiastic about blogging.Also, you looked pretty! The shirt was a nice color for tv. The hair: I can relate because I wear my hair short and that is EXACTLY how stylists do my hair after I get it cut, then I have to smush it down and flatten it as soon as I get in the car.To the person who said that's what Americans want on morning tv. WTF? Since when do networks in any country program what people want? I watch Kathie Lee and Hoda sometimes because it's the only thing on, not because it's what I asked to watch.
July 27, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterclaire
i know you didn't ask but you brought it up and since i just read all about your vagina i feel like i can tell you that i prefer your hair dark. i like the black (or really dark brown?) next to your creamy complexion.
July 27, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjessica
Alice - when visiting Texas one woman mentioned to me "the higher the hair the closer to God!!"

You did a wonderful job and looked great. Go ahead and find some laurels to rest on.
July 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCanadasteph
I have no idea why they keep putting Kathie Lee on these segments involving blogging, the internet, technologies, etc. when she admittedly has no computer experience or desire to learn how to operate a computer or those crazy "intranets" (as my grandmother, and quite possibly Kathie Lee, refers to anything online).
August 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMissey
Kathie Lee is a twit. She ends the interview with "whatever it is you do". Didn't she just spend 3 minutes finding out what you do? Hmmmm....
August 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commentererin
Tori looked ewwwww. Is she ewwww in real life? But I did like how she said, "Shut it Gifford!" Those two seem very annoying - are they? And Kathy needs to figure out some stuff in life; she's a dingbat. Glad you got some air time, and your hair didn't look too uppercase at all!
August 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMaNiC MoMMy
Dear clo,

The reason Alice was invited to be on television is because she is an amazing writer. She could write big loopy infinity figures around the rest of us with only the top keys of the keyboard. I cannot imagine somebody asking why for example Zadie Smith was asked to do an interview since she does not produce the same number of words per second as, say, Dean Koontz. But if someone did ask that question then I would be the first to suggest that they be locked up in a closet with Dean Koontz for a year so that they could plumb the fascinating depths of his five million novels a year brain.
August 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMolly
Kathy Lee kind of comes off as a tool. I'm sure you were equally astonished. But you shined.
August 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSusie

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