A few words about fear
January 29, 2010Now that I’m committing to writing more on my blog, I’ve been thinking a lot about fear. Fear! BOO!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Come back!
I really believed, before this, that I wasn’t able to post as much as I wanted because I didn’t have the time. But that wasn’t it at all. Because really? I didn’t have the guts.
It’s hard to put yourself out there. Some days it’s harder than others, of course, but there’s always a risk that you’re going to get a negative reaction to what you’ve written. You can’t anticipate what will set some stranger off on a tear about how much you suck. It doesn’t get easier, either; once you get some experience under your belt, you start to anticipate the reactions to whatever it is you’re writing. You imagine the people who aren’t that into you reading it and smirking. They’re like your Inner Critic come to life—a whole Greek chorus of voices telling the world how overrated you are. And then you stop yourself from writing, or you tell yourself you need more time, more inspiration, more something. That’s letting fear win, and by winning, it gets stronger, and the feeling snowballs. Pretty soon you’re also imagining all the people who think you suck because you don’t post enough. And then you’ve locked yourself in a closet and you’re wearing tissue boxes for shoes. It’s not healthy, kids.
I’m not bringing all this up just to talk about me, although THE INNER WORKINGS OF MY MIND ARE FASCINATING. This fear comes up all the time, for anyone being creative. I’ve seen people get paralyzed with fear after they’ve encountered public criticism of their work. I’m sure you’ve seen it as well. I’ve received emails from people who want to die of shame because someone wrote to them to tell them they suck, or posted a comment to the same effect.
Sometimes the comments people get are laughable. I’ve seen commenters who criticize a writer’s typo, or a picture of them, or arrive on a site with no prior knowledge of the blog at all so they can leap to all kinds of inaccurate conclusions. Some people are nuts, and unfortunately, some people who are nuts can also work a computer.
And yet writers can be devastated by this stuff, even when they themselves realize how silly the actual comment was. It can make them feel small and stupid. Because on some level they believe they’re not good enough, and now they feel like they’ve just been outed. Like they’re not worthy of love, and worse, they were stupid to want it.
Let me just say it: we all want to be loved. It’s okay to write because you want to be loved. That is completely okay. That is, in fact, an excellent reason to write. And if you feel terrible because of a mean thing someone wrote, that’s also okay.
Here’s a statement that deserves a separate paragraph: if no one dislikes you, you’re not doing it right. If you get mean comments, or read something critical of your work, it means people have an opinion about you. And that’s essential. Good job.
You can’t write something meaningful, you can’t create art—and let’s just call this art, okay? I think we can—unless you are willing to be yourself. Yourself, with all your quirks. And you can't be yourself without some people disliking you. It’s not possible. Pick a celebrity you think is absolutely above reproach, and then Google him, and read all about the people who think he’s the worst. Stephen Colbert, Anne Lamott, David Sedaris. There are people who hate them! How crazy is that? (Maybe not crazy to you, but to me, certainly.)
But those people don’t matter. They’ll move on. When you are intensely yourself, with all your quirks--and look, we all have them, no matter how normal you think you are—and you can create something, whatever it is, that expresses that, you're speaking to someone else's quirks. And the thing is, everyone thinks they're weird and unlovable, at some level. So when you speak to that part of someone, they open up. They feel better. They bloom a little. You've just changed someone else. Think about that. Five other people might not get it, but so what? A hundred people might think you suck, but you’ve just helped one person have a better day, and how incredible is that?
The only thing we can do in the end is be brave. No one can escape being disliked, and no one can escape being loved. Go for it.
Reader Comments (163)
My blog is milquetoast and I say that without false modesty or apology. When I do put myself out there, I always feel bad for hurting someone's feelings. Alternatively, when I make someone angry, the rude comments do cut me to the quick. I still have not found that medium ground - the one where I feel okay saying what I really want to say.
Thank you for writing something on which I can chew and ultimately, ponder.
Couple of things: I'm not just talking about "trolls." Sometimes you just hear from people who don't think much of you. The dismissive comments can be the worst. I mean, you can call those guys trolls if you like, but when they seem like real, reasonable people? That's when you want to DIE.
Also: A few of you have commented that because you're NOT getting negative comments, you're not doing it right. You are silly. Probably you just haven't gotten enough attention to attract the people who want to put you in your place. And hey, maybe there are some people who hate you but just aren't saying anything! There, now don't you feel better?
And: yes, my words were meant for ANYTHING creative, and I use creative loosely. Wherever you make your voice heard, you put yourself at some emotional risk. And I salute you for it.
Even if it is different context, what you say here is supremely helpful when trying to produce anything--this is the fear nestled in almost all writing experiences. There has to be--HAS TO BE, ALWAYS--someone who will disapprove, be disdainful, etc. of your writing. Always, always, always.
The only way to avoid being slammed by the unsympathetic reader is to never write. And that sucks worse than being slammed, although the pain only comes years later when you realize what you didn't do.
You've inspired me to figure out something along these lines for my own fear.What DO I tell myself. Also, you are reminding me why I didn't write this month. Yes, I do always tell myself it is that I had this other thing to do but it was fear. I always forget...it's just fear.
I haven't had any really mean comments, but I've seen others get them and I don't get it. Why put the enegy into typing up a nasty comment to someone you don't even know?? Too much effort for what you would get out of it...
M.
Best,The Lawyer Mommyhttp://thelawyermommy.blogspot.com/
Although I read it while drinking my first cup of coffee after the first night with my infant's first cold and I'm a little bleary and I read this sentence -- "That’s letting fear win, and by winning, it gets stronger, and the feeling snowballs." -- and stopped because I kind of missed it and was all, Huh? Feeling snowballs? What does she mean, feeling snowballs? How can I feel snowballs? I WANT TO FEEL SNOWBALLS, TOO!.
And then coffee and sorry. I AM capable of understanding your eloquence. Though the next time someone asks how I'm feeling, I'm going to say I'm feeling a little snowballs and then I will walk away leaving them to dwell.
So very true, you wonderful, funny, insightful writer.
I feel the same way about Sedaris. How can anyone not like David Sedaris? And also this Alice Bradley person. HOW CAN ANYONE NOT LOVE HER?
People are insane.
You are wonderful.
So glad you're here more often.
http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html
So from this bleader...I think you rock!
@BeingSuper
My blog is miniscule in comparison to yours. I started writing what I couldn't tell my family to their faces. At first it was easy to write. I didn't think anyone was out there, reading what I wrote.
But then I finally got a comment from somebody. And it just tore me down. I shared myself so completely and this guy decided it wasn't good enough for his internet entertainment.
ANd to that man, I'm sorry. But ever since then I think twice about what I write. I have never received a positive comment. It hurts, but I still write.
I'm glad you posted this, Alice. I love reading you.