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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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A little knowledge is a dangerous thing


At school, you learn math. Here is a math question:

Are we going to ride a bike, or not ride a bike?

The answer is: RIDE A BIKE. When correcting your student, karate chop the air with each word and then glare at her for at least five seconds. Math is important!

Extra credit: after 39 comes 30-10.


Is just a burning bush.


Will remove all your blood if you're not careful.


When you are the boss, you should be the #1 boss.

A good boss will always shout at his subordinates. He can shout the following:

I command you to make me a sandwich!

Work or you'll be fired!

Work I will give you threats!

Work or I will kill you! With a boomerang!

Your subordinates will tolerate boomerang-talk more than they will talk of guns, so go with BOOMERANGS.

Reader Comments (29)

I did not know that about mosquitos. Did you know that even though that lizard over there looks just like any other of the many lizards around here, it might indeed be a KING lizard, and if that's the case, it could eat you? I learned that from my nephew this weekend when I took him to the botanical gardens.
April 2, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSonja
April 2, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterStacie (The Twinkies)
I'm going to add a question when I interview executives for boss roles... do you use boomerang talk or gun talk. That's really going to help screen out the bad bosses fast...

April 2, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNancy King
Ha! I get such a kick out of your kid. I hope my future kids are as entertaining as he is.
April 2, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJanssen
Also, did you know that after ten comes onety-one? My 4-year-old taught me that last week. Now, where's my disciplinary boomerang?
April 2, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTammy
It sickens me, all this time I have been wasting with the stupid sales incentive program, when I should have been using boomerangs or threats all along.
April 2, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterelise
Holy crap, is that a Nancy King lizard? Run!

I recently received the anatomy lesson that the armpit is a very deep bone. So that's good to know.

April 2, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbraine
I remember a time when I thought there was an extra ten numbers between the nineties and the one hundreds: the "a hundreds". Ninety nine, a hundred, a hundred one, a hundred hundred, one hundred one, etc.

April 2, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterluolin
I recently learned from my 7 year old nephew that there is a "Spanish Black Snake" that lives in Montana, Russia, and Antarctica (!!!!), is really poisonous, but tastes good when you eat it and that it can play dead. Also, you find them mostly in Germany. Oh, and Germany is a continent.

I don't know how I survived as long as I have without nothing this before.
April 2, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSarah's Mommy
Holy crap! I think my last boss attended the Henry School of Management.

And I always just thought he was a little to 'into' Australian things.
April 2, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKaty
The five year old know it all stage can be very entertaining. How do humans learn anything whatsoever when their misinformation is so immune to correction even at this tender age?
April 2, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterozma
I love that kid. He's so quirky.
April 2, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom
I have learned SO much just from reading your post and the comments to it! I shall now go forth and spread this precious knowledge to the four corners of the earth. Along with a bit of melodrama.
Jesus was a Capricorn, you know. And a 'vampire' is something that laughs scary. And if you blend up salt-and-vinegar chips and put them on your head, it'll get rid of your lice.
April 2, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterraych
I think if I had to choose a course of death-by-boss, boomerang would probably win for its charming originality and the fact that my boss, after throwing it, would have as much chance of dying as me (they're deadly on the rebound).
April 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterYou can call me, 'Sir;
I think if I had to choose a course of death-by-boss, boomerang would probably win for its charming originality and the fact that my boss, after throwing it, would have as much chance of dying as me (they're deadly on the rebound).
April 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterYou can call me, 'Sir'
Did you know that germs aren't real? According to one of my five year old's classmates God speaks to her about things like avian flu and herpes and God told her there is no such thing as germs. She says this when other five year olds are reluctant to give her bites of their candy or cookies. The Holy such thing as communicable disease now give me a bite of that brownie.
April 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercce
With a boomerang!! That's ingenuity at its finest. Plus you have to be pretty damn angry to be able to actually kill someone with a boomerang. I almost wish my boss had that kind of can-do attitude, though I don't want to die by boomerang.
April 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie
It sounds like he is teaching beginning Boolean logic with the bike example. The karate chops are a nice method to keep the student's attention. I'll have to suggest that to my friend who teaches technology.
April 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersumo
I was so confused and then I read the comments and realized that this was about Henry and not about a really crazy boss and weird nature programs.
April 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDM
Also, after 10 comes eleventeen.
April 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKate
Also, if you see a sand dude, you can walk around the smaller ones that are maybe mouse-sized, but if you see a sand dude that is your size, you should walk around it.

And at the end of a prayer after Amen, you should say Firemen.

April 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterliz
That should be that you can walk over the mouse-sized sand dudes. You still have to walk around the bigger ones.
April 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterliz
Hilarious! You want to see an even more crazy conversation w/kids about "body" lessons, check out Freak Parade and her kids at wordpress on 3/29. Tears...
April 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkellypea
Yes! I just tried the "work or I will kill you! With a boomerang!" line on one of my employees and it totally worked. She also may have wet her pants a little bit.
April 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTaylor

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