A quick rant while he’s asleep.

This must be quick, because “asleep” is becoming a rare state these days. My child, the champion sleeper, has abruptly decided that sleep is overrated. Needless to say, this is driving me NUTS.

(What’s that joke about the steering wheel on the crotch and the punch line is “driving me nuts”? Someone?)

It’s not that he’s getting up early, because although he did get up at the ass-crack of dawn this morning, usually he’s a late sleeper. It’s getting him to sleep. HE DOES NOT WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. And that makes me want him to go live somewhere else, like maybe at Grandma’s. Grandma would probably find his late-night shenanigans charming. She’d feed him cookies and the two of them could watch her DVD box set of the Dean Martin show until he passed out from boredom and embarrassment for poor old Deano.

(Every time I visit my parents my mom says, “I thought we’d watch Dean Martin tonight!” And I have to remind her for the 3,000th time that I don’t really deeply enjoy watching drunk people warble popular classics of the ‘50s and then trip over some props. Maybe a few minutes of it, okay, but we’re inevitably trapped watching one episode after another at my parents’ house with the volume cranked up to a window-rattling decibel, and at some point my mother will turn to me and ask, “What are you crying about?” and I’ll say “I didn’t know I was” and then I’ll go upstairs and try to drown myself in their bathtub only I added too many Epsom Salts and I keep bobbing to the surface.)

As I was saying, he does not want to sleep. At all. We put him down at 9 p.m., and for the next three hours, every five minutes is another request from his room. First he needs A Drink. Then he needs a Toy. Then he needs Something, but He Doesn’t Know What. Then he needs a Hug and a Song. Then a Better Song. Then he wants me to Stay and Chat. And on, and so forth.

I have tried various tactics, none of which have worked. They include but are not limited to: Calming Explaining That Sleep is Important. Ignoring. Yelling. Tears. Insisting that He Fall Asleep NOW Damn It. More Tears. Attempting to Ignore, but Failing. Yelling at Husband.

You see? Failproof! Nothing could be wrong with my strategies! I am going to write one of them child rearing books that show how to rear a child good because I know.

Last night, at 11:30, after an hour of vigorous denial over the goings-on near Henry’s room, I realized that all was quiet and went to check things out. I found Scott sleeping on the floor of Henry’s room while Henry, fully upright and alert, chatted with his father’s inert form. “Darth Vader goes whoosh and the Storm Trooper turns him into Darth Vader and when I’m at the playground I go whoosh down the slide but sometimes I fall and I get a little scrape but I’m okay,” he said as his father snored lightly against the carpeting.

This had better end soon because it's cutting into my precious blog-writing and -reading time.

Comments

[robin]

so, first off, my first child NEVER slept, from day one, so i never had that "she USED to go down beautifully" experience. now she's 7, her brother is 4. finally, finally we are in control (but just barely). we did books on tape for a few years, but then that got to be a HUGE control issue. now it's lights out at 8, and if either of them calls out for us, it's counted. when they get three counts, they lose bedtime books the following night. it's the only thing that works (i'm saving the dramamine for my next car trip with them).

[Erika]

I don't know. We finally got our three year old sleeping 4 nights out of 7 in his bed, and now the 9 month old has taken to getting up every night. There is no rest for the weary.

[liz]

Bean used to try "I'm hungry" until I started making her turkey sandwiches as her snack - she hates all meat. Then it was "I need you to help me." Now, if she's up after I leave, I take away the dress-up clothes for the next day. It doesn't happen very often any more.

[Lisa C.]

I think he's still on Italy time. We've done the international trip with my son at 9 months and then again at 20 months, and it always took him 1 to 2 months to get back on track time wise.

That being said, my son bounced around in bed for two freaking hours last night (we cosleep). Then he started up with the kicking. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kickkickkick. STOP KICKING. Ok, Mom. Kick. Kick. Kick.

For two hours.

I fell your pain.

[Magrak]

That is the joke as I recall it but it is not a steering wheel, it is one of those ship's wheel / captain's wheel thingies. You know, since the guy is a pirate?

Nice to see you back. Sorry about the sleep. We have one like that (of pair of nearly-2 twins) and the only thing that helps her relax long enough to quit talking and fall asleep is a vibrating mattress (Kolcraft) on a timer. No quarters required.

[Jake]

Funny you would ask about the "driving me nuts" joke in the same week as Talk Like a Pirate Day.

All the answers to your questions are at http://nofo.blogspot.com/2005/09/pirate-walks-into-bar.html

[Victoria]

Try those Epsom salts with Henry. Magnesium is great for calming. I put 1 cup in my kids' bath every night. Just watch that he doesn't drink too much or he'll get the runs.

[Camera Obscura]

"I heartily endorse the "if I see your face before dawn it had better be on fire or bleeding" method of compassionate parenting."

Ooh, sounds like me. Since #1-Son has been old enough to babysit (at first just while Mom went for groceries, now while Mom and Dad have a date) we've had a rule called "The Four Bs." It means that we had better not hear from you unless there is1) Blood,2) visible Bones,3) something Burning (or the alarm therefor), or4) a Burglar in the house.

This particular rule was instituted when I left him with one sib to go pick up the other from an after-school function. I set the oven timer to go off when I needed to leave, since I am a very deep reader (sometimes I don't hear people talking to me while I read). But I looked up right before it was time to go, so I went. I got a call while I was on the road, "Mom, the oven timer's going off. I can't get it to stop, and it's driving me crazy!" (It's an old analog one, with an annoying buzz and a little hard to turn.) I was not pleased that this was considered a crisis, and the "4-B" rule was invented the minute I got home.

[Lisa V]

Duct tape. Locks on the outside of their doors. And what Mir said.

We actually say, "get your time wasting drink of water and get your ass in bed."

The we hold our breath and listen for child protective services to knock on the door.

[Sonia]

Child Protective Services. Got 'em on speed dial, but can't anyone to call for us and give us a night off. (only slightly kidding)My son is non-verbal at 4 years, 10 months old. I can talk to him, and he hears and understands me, but I can't do the whole reasoning thing with him. He went through a month long 'not staying in bed' episode that was incredibly frustrating. I counted how many times he got out of bed on the second night. FIFTY-SEVEN times. I kid you not. The first time he got up, I said firmly "It's bed time. Go back to bed." And put him back in his fire truck toddler bed that we thought for SURE would be so cool he'd never want to leave it. And each of the 56 times after that I said nothing, just directed him back to bed, refusing to engage. At first, he was so cute, I could hardly stand it. And then after oh, the 10th time, it was so effing cute I wanted to pull all of my hair out and cry. That was one of the most frustrating nights ever, and of course my husband was over night at the fire station. I think that after about a week, it got better, but he still tried at least a few times every night for about a month. It was so frustrating! I guess I don't have any good advice, except consistency. And Melatonin. Our doctor suggested that. He could have up to 3mg a night, and we'd smash it up into powder and mix it with a little whipped cream or pudding. Works like a charm! We use it sparingly, but when we need it, are very glad it's there. My husband calls it the 'Night-night spoon?'

[Elizabeth]

3 year old here too... We went through this and I fought with her and there was lots of crying to be had... Then I realized it just wasn't worth it... It wasn't one of the battles I wanted to fight.. So now she gets Daddy stories and rocking time and then we leave and close and lock the door (from the outside) and she puts herself to bed... Some nights she pushes it and I have to go in there at 10:30 and tell her lights out (notice I don't tell her she has to go to bed, just that the lights have to go out) and then she usually gets board and goes to bed... Key thing here is make sure he has no real toys in his room... Just books and maybe stuffed animals... Limits the options of what they can do... Worked for us... Be consistent.. There is NO coming out of the room once we leave and lock it... Good Luck!

[elswhere]

Oh, man. It sucks. It's something about that 2-1/2-to-3-ish age, too. Somehow our girl doesn't do it as much now.

We actually used to *pay* her to stay in bed. Every time we came to check on her, if she was in bed, she got a penny in a jar. If she got out of bed, even to pee, she lost a penny. At the end of the week she got to keep all the pennies that were still in the jar. You could maybe ding him for yelling, too.

But our kid is unusually acquisitive. And it only worked for six months or so; then she caught on that a penny isn't that much money and we were back where we started.

[madness]

Interestingly, I watched SuperNanny last night (only because my 10 year old loves the show - weird) anyway, they showed this EXHAUSTED mother of three aging from 6 to 2. And it took her 3 hours a night to get her kids to bed. SuperNanny was like, "Exsqueeze me? How long every night?" She then taught poor mom a method where she doesn't go to them when they call from their bed and if they come out of their, which these kids were experts of the getting-out-o-bed, she only says, "Bedtime" and takes them by the hand and puts them back in bed without cuddling or explanation. The first night is was 2 hours of this: "Bedtime." "Bedtime." "Bedtime." "Bedtime." (but down from 3 hours!) Then less and less each night. The dad was like, "F*ck this." But the mom could see the light at the end of the tunnel and she was all but sprinting there with tears in her eyes. By the end, the kids were like, "F*ck this" and stayed in their beds. And angels sang.

[Sarah]

An idea for getting Henry to sleep that worked for me...Audible.com. You can download mp3s of many many children's books (and adult books for your Ipod!). Make it a treat, so that he looks forward to bedtime, as in, "Oh, Henry, guess what! Now you get to listen to Charlotte's Web!" He might just respond by a) enjoying bedtime and staying quiet, or b) falling asleep. Many extroverted children need near-constant stimulation, and mp3 books can stimulate their imagination while at the same time giving the parents a freaking break already. Good luck!

[flea]

It is wrong to laugh at other people's pain.It is wrong to laugh at other people's pain.It is wrong to laugh at other people's pain.It is wrong to laugh at other people's pain.

Oh, forget it. HA!

[arielle]

DM:oh yeah, teenagers. they're soooooo simple!

(i work in a psychiatric institution with 13-18 year olds.)

you practically don't have to do anything!

[JT]

Has anyone here not tried the Baby Benadryl?

I'm mostly kidding.

My almost-six-year-old was a HORRID baby sleeper. Now, he sleeps beautifully, with very little intervention. His baby brother, who just turned three, is a party animal. He mostly did well until he was about 2 1/2; at which point we moved and he gave up on sleeping and eating.

Routine helps enormously in getting him to go to bed, and he NEVER comes out of the room on his own (I have no idea how we did that), but he will call for me intermittently until he finally passes out midrequest. Some nights are better than others, and he doesn't pull this garbage at naptime. I think I just have to wait it out; I'd ignore him more often but the boys share a room, and the big one has to go to school so I don't want him awakened.

Wait until baby #3 arrives (two months away now) and Danny is ignored in favor of the infant! Wow, will we have control issues!!!!

[Angela]

We're having some major sleep issues too, and I just got this book...God I hope it helps. They're up so often I just spent $200 on an Aerobed so I can sleep in their room. I gave up.