Aaiiiiiiigh.

Some of you have been asking how we're doing around these parts, concerning my son's ongoing food issues. Well! Let me take a break from tearing my hair out to update you!

The update is, there's no update. The child has made zero progress. The prevailing wisdom (and yes, I have read Ellyn Satter; I want Ellyn Satter to come live at my house) seems to be that we should include at least one item he enjoys as part of our dinner, but the number of foods he enjoys seems to be dwindling daily. (He won't eat bread, people. BREAD.) He now refuses any fruit (INCLUDING BLUEBERRIES OH MY GOD). He wants only pasta. Only the small pastas. Orzo and tiny stars and eensy little elbows. With butter or ricotta. Try adding some sauce—just try!—and my god, you will pay.

Not only is he picky, he also has an enormous appetite, so if there's nothing on the table that he'll countenance, he is not happy with you. The Wisdom of the Eating Sages also dictates maintaining a blithe, devil-may-care attitude toward your child's eating, but that's difficult when he's shouting at you and weeping and it's just the two of you because your husband isn't home yet and hmmm, is that a beer I see in the back of the fridge? Indeed it is!

I feel for him. I think this is enormously frustrating for him as well as us. Lately he's been demanding "something un-yoo-sual" for dinner, but of course this is hilarious because "unusual" terrifies him. He's bored with what he likes but scared to try anything new. So tears and tantrums follow shortly thereafter. I've tried to make dinner pleasant, I've made it crystal clear to him that he doesn't have to try anything, but that he also doesn't get to spend dinner time pointing out how yucky everything at the table is, and not once has he managed this. Just keeping quiet about the yuck factor in his vicinity. Not once. It's amazing how one's shoulder muscles can begin to spasm just thinking about this issue! Huh!

Then the other day he stopped dead in his tracks outside a Japanese restaurant, inhaled, and said, "It smells incredible in there." I wanted to drag him inside and pour miso soup down his gullet.

We've limited dessert to one night a week, with the occasional exception, because every dinner was becoming all about dessert. Now every night it's a fight over whether this is a dessert night, or not. His newest line is "I've decided this is a dessert night because I'm the boss, and I get to say when it's dessert night." This is an interesting line, this "I'm the boss" thing, because it has never worked, not once, not ever, and yet he continues to use it about, well, everything. I AM NOT LIKING HIM SO MUCH THESE DAYS.

And look, I know. I KNOW. I know there are worse things we could be going through. He sleeps well. He is a delight in many ways. He's healthy and weighs enough and the pediatrician is unconcerned. But you asked! And this is what's going on. The End.

EDITED TO ADD: Me again! Hi! Listen, please don't confuse what I'm feeling about this issue with what I'm doing. As far as Henry knows, I am the the epitome of nonchalance when it comes to his massive refusal of every food item except tiny teensy pastas. We only address the behavioral issues surrounding dinnertime. We have read everything there is to read. And as for "Maybe he'll like..."--thank you. But no. I mean, probably yes, if he'd deign to put it in his mouth. But he won't! And in this way I am driven bonkers. But all inside, in a quiet way, ssssh. He's not affected by it. Okay?

Comments

[Maria]

I feel your pain. Every time I serve pasta, in any form other than mac-n-cheese, my 3 yr old complains about the "bad meal." I love the sound of gagging while I eat spaghetti. Or maybe not so much. Oddly enough, he'll eat just about anything at daycare, from brussels sprouts to goat cheese. He'll also try something if he helps me cook it, so we make a lot of meals that involve stirring and counting (ie, recipes from Mollie Katzen's kids cookbooks). Good luck!

[Kristine]

I have a picky eater too, and much of what you say sounds very familiar (although I'm lucky enough to occasionally hear "This is the best dinner ever!", which is usually about 2 bites before she decides she doesn't actually like it.) I've pretty much given up trying to introduce new stuff. By which I mean vegetables. And I've recently considered giving her dessert first, so that the whole meal isn't focused on how many bites she has to eat before she's allowed dessert.

I haven't been paying enough attention, but is your son about 5? My daughter has recently decided that she's the boss, or at least the co-boss. She also presents me with a lot of "deals" and "ideas" and "ultimatums".

[RLJ]

have you tried more daycare? I'm not kidding, but loads of kids are picky as hell at home but at daycare eat up and shut up. I think it's to do with the fact that their daycarer doesn't really give a damn whether they eat or not so it doesn't become a battle of the will. Because he knows how much you care (no matter how hard to try to hide it), he can use food to control you - but it won't work with someone who doesn't care so much.How is he for dad?

Sorry if this is totally unhelpful (my LO is nearly two and eats everything apart from maybe olives - our time will come, I am sure, and I will have bald spots from where I have pulled out my own hair).

[merseydotes]

This too shall pass? That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger?

...no, I think you were right with the beer.

[alice]

RLJ, he doesn't try anything at school, either. The peer pressure thing seems to not work for him at all. He'll spend the day declaring, "You all like pizza, BUT I DON'T."

And yes, Kristine, he's nearing five. The Year of the Boss, apparently.

[Bertha]

My baby is only 3 months old so I haven't encountered this picky eating situation yet (which is impossible for someone like to me understand since I will eat anything you put in front of me) but I am now kind of terrified...it sounds very stressful!

[Beth]

I know this may not work for you, given how much difficulty you've had so far and how you seem to be trying not to force him to eat, but! Whenever there was something I did not want to eat as a child (green beans, asparagus, whatever), my parents told me I had to eat as many bites as I was old. So, five bites when I was five, six when I was six, etc. It's a number kids can understand, and it means that they eat at least something. By the time they're old enough that the trick doesn't work, they're probably eating willingly anyway.

[Amy B.]

five kids. five picky kids. I feel your pain. You do have to be willing to let them go hungry. Let them go hungry with a nonchalance that throws them into shock. you don't want to eat? oh darn. This spagetti with sauce is so good. bye.

it takes time. it really does. My five year old eats pizza now and my seven year old will eat carrots if I let him drown them in ranch dressing. ah, the progress.

good luck.

[silvermine]

I have a picky eater too, and he LOVES japanese food. (Well, he and his dad are japanophiles).

We had miso soup (he actually dances around singing about sea weed and tofu. It's so bizarre!) and soba noodles for lunch yesterday.

[Daria]

Does he like pancakes? How about crepes? How aboult Russian blini with a meat/cabbage/potato/whatever the hell you want stuffing? If he likes pancakes you can just tell him that is what they are just on a diet or something. My boy is 2 and he is very picky but does eat when very hungry. Suprisingly he only eats oatmeal if my mother cooks it for him. I forgot what I was saying. Going to go drink coffee now untill I remember if I had a point.Loveme

[Mir]

Alice, take a deep breath as you commit all of this to memory. His future spouse will enjoy these stories immensely.

After years of the food wars I just made peace with my "eat it or don't, but there's no need to rude" mantra and moved on. Once I honest and for true stopped caring about it (because, yes; growing? happy? okay then), he stopped being such a little shit. He's still picky, but he uses his manners and occasionally tries new things. I choose to call this victory.

[ephelba]

Oh honey... sometimes it's hard, and I'd give you a hug if I could.

[Nancy King]

My picky eater is now 14..

PizzaStrawberriesGuacamoleApplesMost Bread ProductsMilkDessertChips

He always says we have nothing in the house to eat yet, it's pretty easy to keep his selection on hand. I remind him if he'd take our advice and try some new things, it would get better.

When he was 18 months old I received a call at work after three weeks in daycare... I was panicked at first until the center director said " he ate mandarin oranges!" We stocked up on canned mandarin oranges.

So, yeah, we've never made food an issue.... I'm hopefully he'll change one of these days.

[Jenn]

I feel you, lady. My two year old eats hard-boiled eggs (and no other kind of eggs or there will be hell to pay) and grapes. That's about it. I figured there's protein and other...*stuff*...in the eggs. And grapes have fibre (right?), so I guess she's set. If nothing else, she will make a fabulous cheap picnic date for some lucky guy in the future.

[Noelle]

Well, it's a good thing that he doesn't eat bread, because of this new study that Bread is Dangerous. I saw it on Kottke, so it must be true.

[Laura]

This will pass, my boy who loved off mac & cheese & goldfish for a year and a half of his young life, is now six and eats ASPARAGUS & SPINACH!!

[Yolanda]

Since you got so much advise on this issue last time, I'm sure you're adviced out. Regardless of where this advice does work, it's not working in your house with your kid. Frustrating is not a strong enough word for it. I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it's not getting better, and even more sorry that it's getting worse.

[mpj]

I feel your pain and then some. Food is such a touchy issue -- and Mom is always the one who takes the blame for not being tough enough when kids won't eat. There really are some kids who won't eat, even when they are hungry -- I know, I have one. And his eating is the focus of an unbelievable amount of our time and energy.

My son is on the autism spectrum, so his issues go beyond picky. He won't eat at school or new places, he rarely eats for babysitters, he only eats three things, ever -- always prepared the same way, in the same bowl with the same utensils. Ellyn Satter is welcome to visit our house -- when we pick what he eats, the amount he choses to eat is nothing, absolutely nothing, for days.

I got some good tips from a book called "Just Take a Bite" by Lori Ernsperger and we also get help from an OT.

Of course, most kids do grow out of it -- I did!

[Jennifer]

A year ago I wouldn't have gotten this at all, after all, my kids are 12 and 13 and will eat seafood, green veggies, sushi, etc. But recently my 13 year old has decided he doesn't like: seafood, chicken, pasta, any veggies (not even corn on the cob, oh! the sacriledge!), or fruit other than strawberries. Ugh. His current diet seems to consist of cereal and baked potatoes with hot sauce (yuck). So I'm totally with you on the frustration factor. Trying not to make a big deal about it, hoping it's only a phase, but worrying he will be one of those-gasp!-picky adults. (Hmm... now that I think about it, maybe this is his teenage rebellion? That wouldn't be so bad)Jennifer

[Em]

Feel the Zen of Ellyn. You must. Let it go. Your ONLY responsibility is to offer them good food and do it regularly.

My 2 are horribly picky (they are 11 and 7 now) and once I let go, everyone felt much better. I cook, I serve, we have a nice family chat; if they don't eat it it's their issue at this point.

BTW they are healthy, generally happy and within good weight.

Hang in there! I feel your pain.

[slouching mom]

When I read this, I had to keep reminding myself that I had not written it about my nine-year-old son. The trying a few bites advice? With my son Ben leads to gagging and once in a while throwing up. So, so pleasant. And he will go hungry rather than eat something unpalatable. We have watched as he has refused food for longer than we thought possible. He cries (still!) if dinner does not include something he likes; and this is not staged or fake crying, oh no. But what he likes are maybe three or four items, and their specificity is daunting. For a while he liked spaghetti with "Ragu, only, Mom, because it's the only sauce without any stuff in it," but of late has declared that spaghetti is disgusting.

Sigh. He's still growing. Sort of. 60 pounds at nine? I don't love it.

Did I mention that I feel your pain?

[S-Way]

He won't eat blueberries anymore? That fuckin' sucks. At least he's healthy. It sounds like he WANTS to want to eat new stuff, with the smelling of the Japanese restaurant and whatnot. But his heart won't let his head do what his nose is telling him to taste.

It's tragic.

[Heather]

Oh you poor, poor woman. I am one of the most picky people I know so I feel for your son but I also feel for you. Hopefully he will outgrow this stage soon and hopefully my son will learn to eat like my husband and not like me!! :-)

[Tiffany]

Gah. He sounds like my ex-boyfriend, who is 27. I could never find anything for him to eat because it was all disgusting.

[madge]

Bummer. I thought you and Four-And-A-Half really had something special going.

I see this in my future. So, so clearly.