Aaiiiiiiigh.

Some of you have been asking how we're doing around these parts, concerning my son's ongoing food issues. Well! Let me take a break from tearing my hair out to update you!

The update is, there's no update. The child has made zero progress. The prevailing wisdom (and yes, I have read Ellyn Satter; I want Ellyn Satter to come live at my house) seems to be that we should include at least one item he enjoys as part of our dinner, but the number of foods he enjoys seems to be dwindling daily. (He won't eat bread, people. BREAD.) He now refuses any fruit (INCLUDING BLUEBERRIES OH MY GOD). He wants only pasta. Only the small pastas. Orzo and tiny stars and eensy little elbows. With butter or ricotta. Try adding some sauce—just try!—and my god, you will pay.

Not only is he picky, he also has an enormous appetite, so if there's nothing on the table that he'll countenance, he is not happy with you. The Wisdom of the Eating Sages also dictates maintaining a blithe, devil-may-care attitude toward your child's eating, but that's difficult when he's shouting at you and weeping and it's just the two of you because your husband isn't home yet and hmmm, is that a beer I see in the back of the fridge? Indeed it is!

I feel for him. I think this is enormously frustrating for him as well as us. Lately he's been demanding "something un-yoo-sual" for dinner, but of course this is hilarious because "unusual" terrifies him. He's bored with what he likes but scared to try anything new. So tears and tantrums follow shortly thereafter. I've tried to make dinner pleasant, I've made it crystal clear to him that he doesn't have to try anything, but that he also doesn't get to spend dinner time pointing out how yucky everything at the table is, and not once has he managed this. Just keeping quiet about the yuck factor in his vicinity. Not once. It's amazing how one's shoulder muscles can begin to spasm just thinking about this issue! Huh!

Then the other day he stopped dead in his tracks outside a Japanese restaurant, inhaled, and said, "It smells incredible in there." I wanted to drag him inside and pour miso soup down his gullet.

We've limited dessert to one night a week, with the occasional exception, because every dinner was becoming all about dessert. Now every night it's a fight over whether this is a dessert night, or not. His newest line is "I've decided this is a dessert night because I'm the boss, and I get to say when it's dessert night." This is an interesting line, this "I'm the boss" thing, because it has never worked, not once, not ever, and yet he continues to use it about, well, everything. I AM NOT LIKING HIM SO MUCH THESE DAYS.

And look, I know. I KNOW. I know there are worse things we could be going through. He sleeps well. He is a delight in many ways. He's healthy and weighs enough and the pediatrician is unconcerned. But you asked! And this is what's going on. The End.

EDITED TO ADD: Me again! Hi! Listen, please don't confuse what I'm feeling about this issue with what I'm doing. As far as Henry knows, I am the the epitome of nonchalance when it comes to his massive refusal of every food item except tiny teensy pastas. We only address the behavioral issues surrounding dinnertime. We have read everything there is to read. And as for "Maybe he'll like..."--thank you. But no. I mean, probably yes, if he'd deign to put it in his mouth. But he won't! And in this way I am driven bonkers. But all inside, in a quiet way, ssssh. He's not affected by it. Okay?

Comments

[Tammy]

Man...I hate when they change what they like to eat. Overall, my nine year old is a good eater, but one day he likes onions and the next day he thinks I am poisoning him. I can't keep up with him. My brother and I were picky as kids and we often reverted to the PB&J solution if we didn't like what my mom was making. The only thing you can do is model good eating for him by yourself eating a variety of foods in front of him and just resign yourself to buying orzo by the 10 lb bag. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Sorry, that's all I got! Good luck.

[Haley]

I really hate to say it, but I agree with Donna. We had to start doing that with my daughter. She really doesn't have food issues as far as range of things she'll eat. She was just taking 45min to eat a meal because she was doing *everything* else but eating at the table. We finally told her one night, "Tomorrow, if you don't act like you are supposed to at the table we're going to throw your food away because obviously you are not hungry." The next night was better. We only had to take her food away once. BUT... last night she decided she wasn't going to eat dinner. (Aaahhhh!!) We explained that if she did not eat dinner, she got nothing else until breakfast. No Dora snacks, no Cheerios, not even milk. Just water. She happily agreed(and never asked for anything, btw). I recognize the value of indulging children, too. Sorry that there's no easy answer.

[Diane]

I'm with Donna. My kids are 26 and 23. They eat broccoli and asparagus, prefer whole grain bread and nonfat milk. They eat just about anything, really. We had a rule when they were little that if they didn't want to eat, fine. They could have a bowl of cereal, or they could have their meal later when they were hungry. They could not hang out at the table and make disparaging remarks about the cuisine. We also had the "One Bite Rule" where they had to try a bite of anything new. The out was that they didn't have to swallow it. They could spit it in their napkin if they wanted.

I'm a firm believer in not cooking different meals. Does that mean they'll expect their teacher to have the curriculum that each child prefers? Or their boss will cater to their whims? No. They'll eat when they're hungry and they'll eat what you cook.

[Adina]

I need he need a smack. Not to be cruel but young children often need firmness just as much as understanding.

Perhaps, you indulge him a little too much. I recall that for most poorer families in the past, what they had to eat was extremely limited so no one was allowed to be picky. If you were picky, you just didn't eat and most kids would wise up and just chow down after a bit.

[Tammy]

Adina said:

"I need he need a smack. Not to be cruel but young children often need firmness just as much as understanding."

Hahahahaha! Yeah, when I was a kid my mom's friend thought this about me and my picky ways, too. She got a chance to put it into practice when my mom parked us kids at her house for a much-needed weekend vacation. Mom's friend wanted me to eat porridge, my most hated of foods. I said I couldn't. Mom's friend threatened me with a smack. Crying, I choked down several spoonfuls. Then I threw up all over the table, causing two of my siblings to also throw up. Take that, mean lady.

To this day, while my pickiness has improved to the point that I'll eat pretty much everything, just the thought of porridge makes me dry heave. (I'm doing it now, just writing this. Bleh.)

[Grace Howell]

I feel you pain too. I wish I could say that my son is not affected by my feelings about his refusal to eat so many things. I try hard not to let it frustrate me but it does from time to time and I'm sure it doesn't help matters. I've read the Ellyn Satter book too and it just makes me feel more guilt about the situation. The thing that gets me is my son suddenly hates something that he's been eating happily since he could use a fork. I totally don't get it. Sigh. I guess it will pass like most things.

[Makayla]

I recently found a book called The Sneaky Chef. It is a cook book about hiding good foods in foods they will eat. My son still won't touch anything that doesn't look like desert or a french fry, but there is a brownie recipe with spinach, blueberries, and whole grains. They are surprisingly really good. There is also chocolate chip cookie recipes and ways to hide good foods in cake mixes and things like that. I have not tried a lot of the stuff yet, but what I have tried I have really liked.

[Bev Montenaro]

Ah, it all comes back to me now. The boiled pasta, with a "shaving" of butter added, the greek yoghurt and the austrian smoked cheese. That was it - the entire range of pale, cream coloured food that my daughter would eat. I can clearly remember crying in front of her high chair. Penelope Leach didn't say anything about only eating a range of three foods for over a year. She's 21 now, just about to graduate, and most of her free time is spent planning and preparing dishes straight from Delia Smith. She is a "foodie". Go figure.

[Dmom]

My girls love pasta as much as the next kid so I try to come up with ways to add stuff they like to it. I've found if it's white...it's delicious. So I offer little bowls of shredded cheese/parmesean/ricotta/alfredo sauce/hard boiled eggs etc and they can put it on themselves. I try to do three bowls and usually they use it all up because it's fun to do it yourself. We also try to make one bowl some kind of veg, cut up red peppers are a favorite and usually they eat those raw which is fine.My own two cents....hope it helps. Oh also, Bob Blumer or whatever his name is makes meatloaf cupcakes with mashed potato icing, we let them decorate them with cut up red/orange pepers like sprinkles and they eat them up like theres no tomorow.

[Jen]

Hey, we went through something like this. My daughter gained only 1 lb in an entire year because she was so picky with food and didn't want to eat. We saw a couple of doctors, read a number of books and here's what worked for us... The timer. We serve her food, set the timer for 30 minutes and then she puts her plate in the sink. Here's the beauty. She can't be mad at the timer. The timer doesn't cave in. It takes all the power struggle out of the situation.

Good luck!