Actually we're decorating the tree with Legos.
December 3, 2007This weekend our dryer died, and we had to purchase a new one. We explained to Henry that the dryer would be his one and only Christmas present. He asked if he could take a tumble or two in it, and we said only on low heat.
I'm kidding! He can't fit in there. Our dryer did die, though, that part is true. Scott and I were sad, and we turned our pants pockets inside-out and walked around like that for a while, feeling sorry for ourselves. But then this morning, an editor called and offered me some money to reprint one of my posts. The fee came out to exactly as much as the dryer cost. So it seems that we'll have a Christmas after all! And maybe a little Hanukkah, as well!
I'm hosting Christmas for my family this year, and the pressure is on. My parents have always done Christmas, every year, since before Christ was born. Somehow they got Nat King Cole to sing all these festive songs about this savior who no one even knew about. My parents have powers. Anyway, I'm a little intimidated. My mother is trying to help, except by trying to help she's making me feel increasingly inadequate. A few weeks ago she brought over some Christmas-themed trays, Christmas votive-candle holders, and several decorative wreaths she fished out of her Christmas Decorative Wreath box in the Decorative-Wreath wing of her basement. Then she asked me if I wanted to use her "Christmas goblets."
"Whurrrgh?" I said.
"You know, my festive goblets. I use them for every Christmas. You're going to need those, right?"
"I kind of thought I could just use my regular wine glasses and stuff," I said.
"Oh," she said, in the tone she'd use if I said we were going to decorate our tree with steaming dog turds. "Yeah, I mean, of course you can. I just thought, you know, because they're so festive and nice. But that's fine too."
She also wanted to know if I wanted her fancy red Christmas plates. We have plates, I said, but thanks. (I mean, usually we eat out of our cupped hands, but I think we could fashion some flat-surfaced food holders from old pie tins.) Okay, but, uh, don't we want her extra-special linen Christmas tablecloth? Christmas placeholders? Christmas napkins? We're going to need Santa, too, right? Because she's got him in the basement, next to the reindeer stalls.
Believe me, I love my mom, and she has excellent taste. It's not that I don't like her stuff; it's that I don't want to have her Christmas over here. I want our own decorations, even if they're from Target. I just heard her gasp all the way from Long Island. I swear we're going to go to the store and nothing will be there. "Some woman came earlier today and cleared the place out," the baffled salesperson will tell us. "She looked a little bit like you, actually. Said something about keeping all this cheap crap away from her daughter? She wasn't making much sense."
Now she wants to know what I'm making for dinner. I'm going to tell her we're ordering in some Chinese, just to hear her head explode. Hey, my husband is Jewish, and we have to respect his traditions, too.
UPDATED TO ADD: I turned off comments because I think some people misinterpreted my statements about my mother. I was exaggerating for comic effect, like I do, and in reality (boring, boring reality) I can't wait to have Christmas here and she and the rest of my family will be thrilled with whatever I serve. I know some of the comments would hurt her feelings, and that's the last thing I want. "Merry Christmas! I got the Internet to make you cry!" It just ruins the holiday mood, you know?
Reader Comments (39)
All of this to say, you are not alone.
In our house the tradition is always a standing rib roast with yorkshire pudding (YUM!)
You also can't go wrong with a roast loin of pork or a fresh ham (basically porky tasting, not hammy).
I have lots of receipes - call if you want any.
Holiday Egg Nog (makes a lot - use a BIG punch bowl or an enormous stock pot)
24 eggs, separated2c sugar2qt whole milk2c bourbon1c cognac2qt heavy creamnutmeg
Beat yolks with sugar until thick and creamy. Add milk, bourbon, and cognac; stir well. Just before serving, whip cream and egg whites until both are similar consistency. Fold both into yolk mixture. Sprinkle with nutmeg; serve.
Trade cups for keyrings - driving while on this egg nog is not recommended.
Enjoy!
(actual instructions with PICS: here )
Catch it. Skin it. Deep fry it. Then after The Grinch's heart grows three sizes too big, have him carve and serve the aforementioned beast. If the heart thing doesn't work out and The Grinch is too busy being surly, let Scott do the carving so he'll stop whining. Good luck!
I miss it now, but hated it whenever she said it and I hope to god I don't do the same to my boys.
Anything that can be made ahead of time, and then frozen or refrigerated until the day-of, do so! It saves so much worry when you know that the pumpkin pie, corn bread, turkey, ham, green beans, etc, are already made and only need re-heating. Especially if you can make all of these foods before the day your mother arrives. Then, instead of looming over your shoulder saying things like "you're using cream? I use milk in that recipe," she can watch you pull complete dishes out of the fridge. If you feel generous, you can let her warm them up.
For vegetables people will actually eat.
For Hanukkah.
In a glass dish, put 12 oz bag of fresh cranberries. Sprinkle on top 2.5 cups of sugar and drizzle with 3 tablespoons of frozen orange juice, thawed.
Put in oven on 325 for 45 minutes, stirring once half way through.
Mix in 2 tablespoons Grand Marnier liquor.
Serve. (Easy. Pretty. YUMMY.)
Here's a side dish recipe:
Scalloped Yams with Praline topping (serves 8-12)
1/4 cup packed brown sugar3Tbs butter, room temperature3Tbs all purpose flour1/3 cup finely chopped pecans (I use more 'cause I like them!)6 medium yams or sweet potatoes, about 3 pounds, peeled and cut into 1/2 inch thick rounds1 1/2 cups heavy cream, heated
In bowl, work together brown sugar, butter and flour until well combined then work in pecans. Set aside (can be done up to 8 hours in advance and kept at room temp).Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add yam slices and cook until crisp-tender, about 5 minutes. Drain and rinse under cold water.Preheat oven to 375. Lightly butter 9x13 baking dish. Arrange yams, overlapping in vertical rows. Pour heated cream over them and bake for 20 minutes. Crumble pecan mixture over yams and bake for 20-30 minutes more, until yams are tender and topping is browned.
1. Pomegranate Glaze Turkey w/ Congnac Gravy from marthastewart.com: http://www.marthastewart.com/recipe/roast-turkey-with-pomegranate-glaze?autonomy_kw=glazed%20turkey&rsc=ns2006_m7
2. Sausage, apple and cranberry stuffing from allrecipes.com:http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Awesome-Sausage-Apple-and-Cranberry-Stuffing/Detail.aspx
Both were absolutely delish and my family STILL talks about how good my dinner was last year :)
I'm thinking of some roasted potatoes that will put everyone in a pleasure stupor and make the dog whimper all day, with some Chinese crispy seaweed (the kind they serve in every British chinese takeout). Carrots done up with pre-roasted pecans. Main course of scallops if I get paid for the gig I did this weekend, turkey if I don't. And, needless to say, far too much wine. One bottle per person, minimum, and since the kids can't legally drink theirs yet, more for mom!
And - I'm curious, because I think our Moms went to the same Jewish In Attitude If Not By Blood Club Motherhood Academy - what did you Mom do for dinner all those years?
Love the chinese food comment, hee. If this doesn't sound awful, we love brussel sprouts and chestnuts (both must be cooked first) sauteed in butter.
And for pumpkin pie my MIL puts candied pecans and brown sugar glaze on top, yum.