Adjusting
March 9, 2009"I don't ever want to go outside again," he yells at me. It's a gorgeous day, and we've got a playground within shouting distance of our building. He can hear the kids laughing and screaming out there. All those kids, friends with each other, none of them friends with him. I know it seems that way. "We've got to get out there if we want to meet new people," I insist.
At the playground, he hands me a light saber. "Why don't we find another kid to play with?" I suggest. Mommy is old, and tired of playing Star Wars. The place is crawling with kids, after all. Many of whom are eyeing our light sabers with great interest.
Henry shakes his head. "I only play with my family," he insists. But he's watching an older boy, a charismatic type being chased by a young girl, possibly his sister. I can see the mechanisms whirring. Willing to play with younger kids. Likes to be chased. I like to chase. "I'm going to ask him to play," he whispers to me, but just as he approaches, the kid takes off abruptly with his dad. It looks to me like they're just taking a restroom break, but even after they return a few minutes later, Henry never tries again.
It's hard to make friends. You want to rush things. In a way, I'm jealous of Henry. I miss the days when you met someone and because you both liked the same things (Barbie? Swings? Creative nonfiction?) you were instant friends. All it will take for him to make a playground friend is eye contact with one kid, just one, someone to run around with. But he keeps his eyes on me. I want to tell him he doesn't know how easy he has it. As if that would work.
So I take matters into my own hands. There's a boy who seems to be around Henry's age playing near us. "Are those Ben-10 sneakers?" I inquire, and the boy nods and starts to list his favorite Ben-10 characters. Henry rolls his eyes violently. "I already know about that," he says, and takes off down the slide. The boy and I watch him, and we shrug at each other. Kids. What can you do. Meanwhile, Henry is eyeing a group of boys playing ball with each other. Boys who are way too busy doing their thing to notice the straggler in their midst. Oh, Henry. But of course I do the same thing. Why does this person want to be my friend so badly? Is there something wrong with her? On the other hand, what's that group of cool-looking parents over there, and how can I talk to them? I can't. God, I'm lame.
It's hard. I know it will get easier. But I still hate this part.
Reader Comments (54)
As an 8 year old when we moved on base in germany I just went to the playground with a toy and started throwing ti at the other kids. Some how that made me friends, however beyond that initial introduction i was not a bully and I was a nice and gentle boy. That whol exchange was a mystery to me. Might as well try that now as a 32 year old in a new job.
Honestly just keep going to the park and don't be afraid to sit near the other parents. Keep a smile on your face and you will be fine.
I am pretty sure he wanted to die, right there. But you know, he started school that August one of the more popular kids, so I guess she knew what she was doing.
Just like LUKE and DARTH VADER
Give 'em time. It' will happen.
Will you be my friend? No, no, forget I said anything. In fact, I DIDN'T say anything I was just clearing my throat. I have no idea what you heard but it wasn't anything from me.
Lamely,Joe
Oh, how I understand. We just moved to wichita and have the same problem. And now that we have found a house to move into in a new school district, my son has a "best friend." dammit. We can't win for losing.
I'd be your friend, but suspect that finding a coffee shop convenient for both of us would be a struggle.
Sigh.
If you go to the same park often enough Henry will run around like it is his domain and perhaps gain confidence to start talking to the new comers in 'his' park.... until then, you may have to continue to play Darth Vader....MiniHipster.com
I know Henry can adjust too, same way I did. Thanks for sharing your story.
I'm not sure what exactly -- I'd recommend a bunch of sand toys (if your park has sand) but I guess he's old for that. Maybe a bucket of sidewalk chalk? Let him start drawing and see if kids don't try to join in and use his chalk. Or that plastic bubble stuff -- you know the kind where you stick a blob of plastic on the end of a tiny straw and inflate it? (That option's pretty hard on the lungs though.) Or a bunch of puddle jumpers -- those little helicopter toys where you spin the handle between your palms to launch it? Or some other flying toy. Or marbles?
Good luck. My kids, even my oldest who's painfully shy around adults, are somehow all natural-born lords of the playground who always assume everyone else wants to play with them, but I'm more like Henry, so I feel for him (and you.)
Liz
But I would never let my kid do that now!
The problem is probably partly that you are there; kids act different when the parent is around. In school w/out you or at some other kids-only event, he might act differently.