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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« We've had this conversation, I am not exaggerating, three times at least | Main | NINE »

After the sleepover

We let Henry have a handful of friends sleep over for his birthday, and was that ever a poor decision. This weekend we discovered that for nine-year-old boys, "sleepover" is code for "Hey, let's fling our bodies against each other and then lob ourselves against the walls as if we were human beanbags!" I am amazed that no furniture or spines were broken. How are there not head-sized holes in the walls? And when did my child learn to construct a human catapult?

Because of this apartment living that we chose, there was no escape from the sleepover bedlam. From the screaming and the screaming oh sweet baby Jesus the screaming. Actually it was more of a scream/laugh medley. Scraughter. It is not fun to listen to, even before you're sleep-deprived. Did you know that kids scream like they're being murdered and that this means "Golly, we are just having the funnest time!"? Can you make sense of this? Of course you can't, because you're a reasonable human and not a maniacal child-thing. When given the opportunity to play a nice quiet game of chess or sit silently and think about all they're thankful for, the entire party instead opted to engage repeatedly in something called a "dogpile." I ask you.

We've hosted sleepovers before, but even last year, the guests (and the birthday boy) were younger and more pliable. Our friends thought we were insane when we let five- and six-year-old sleep over, but I'm telling you, that's when you want them. They're easily entertained. They might smell a little funny, sure, but their combined funk does not knock you over when you enter a room. They're so thrilled with the novelty of the event that they'll fall asleep simply from excitement. Whereas once they're nine, they're all gangly and their limbs can and will knock over fragile lamps and also they're brimming with weird nine-year-old emotions. One kid kept tearfully announcing himself "on strike" because he didn't like the choice of activities. Another kid volunteered to help me out, and then did so by bonking the first kid about the head and back with a foam sword and then tossing his shoes down the stairwell. I really. I mean. Have you ever.

At any rate, let the word go forth that I will forever remain reluctant to agree to any kind of sleep- or slumber-themed event, unless the children prove themselves to be mute and/or exceptionally subdued, or our conditions change so dramatically that our squad of governesses can entertain and monitor the guests while we decamp for our country estate. I am sure that my stance will not change a little bit, even when I've completely forgotten how much my head hurt for days afterward, and the day arrives that Henry asks us really nicely. Not even then.

Reader Comments (37)

Have you heard of the 'mock sleepover'? Many of my friends have done this (but it may no longer be cool to do at 10). The kids come in their PJs and bring sleeping bags, etc Watch a movie, play some games, and get picked up at 10 p.m. End.

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October 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKody

Boys are just rough. No way around it. My visiting nephews (6 and 8 at time) broke a pane in an interior door last visit. Our kids are on fall break. Some visiting children were inside the house waiting for a frozen pizza to cook - they knocked over drinks and generally banged into everything. I sent them outside. Good news is our oldest in high school can now have sleepovers and they stay pretty much to themselves. (well, that maybe not such a good thing.)

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