All bets are off. Watch out!

We’re all at my sister’s house, for Father’s Day. My nice sister has a pool. A beautiful, in-ground pool, and every time I see it, I wonder why the hell we don’t live next door to her. But I digress. My mother is wading in the shallow end, while Henry splashes about with his father. I’m sitting on the edge, dangling my legs into the pool. My mother, who feels it is her duty to evaluate my appearance on a regular basis, is glaring at my toes. She considers neglect of one’s parts not only ill-advised but immoral, and here is evidence of my lapsed spirituality--bits of nail polish clinging for dear life to my neglected tootsies. She’s clutching my foot, menacing my poor toes like she could frighten them into enameled, manicured perfection.

Her [disgusted]: It’s a shitty color.

Me: Gee, thanks. I liked the color.

Her: I can’t wear pink. Pink looks terrible on me.

Me: Yeah, see, these aren’t your toes.

Her: Pink. Horrible.

Me: I know. You like to wear gold, or whatever, but’s that not me.

Her [offended]: I do not wear gold. My toes are painted pearl white.

She hoists a leg out of the water and thrusts her foot into my face, just as Henry announces that he needs me. A few minutes later, order is restored, and we’re all back to our original positions.

Her: I can’t believe you said my toes were gold.

Me: You’re upset about that? You called my toes shitty.

Her: I did not say shitty. I would not say shitty to you. I said crappy.

Yeah, I know, it’s not much of a story. It more or less sums up all that confounds me about the woman, is all, and I swore I wouldn’t use my blog to write about my family, but here I am, doing it. Anyway, rules are made to be broken, and me, I’m a rule-breaker. I am dangerous.

Comments

[jilbur]

My mother has this thing she calls 'a parent's perogative.' Apparently, the definition of 'a parent's perogative is, in the service of the enlightened, broader view of her (grown) child's welfare a mother may make remarks calculated to call into doubt said child's grasp on reality; ability to make sound judgments; and state of self-knowledge. Comments on personal appearance, while far from being the sole domain of The Perogative, are the most likely manifestations of this sacred parental privilege. A few choice examples, culled from experiences of me and my two siblings over the past year:--That skirt doesn't fit you.--Oh, that solid shirt looks so nice on you. The print you wore yesterday--you look matronly in prints.--That's your new haircut? It looks like he didn't finish it.

I don't think I'll ever quite grasp why tearing a person's sense of competence to shreds is so crucial to their well-being, but I guess I'll figure it out by the time it's my turn to wreak this on the Jellybean.

[AnneWhitney]

My mother too! She relates personal appearance with moral goodness. Other members of her family are like this too. My mother would rather I not visit with her, her friends, her relatives if I am not at my optimum appearance - every detail will be scrutinized for quality, judgement, etc., all calculating on some obscure scale of morality. I'm hoping that someday they will pass on to me the rules of the game - you know, how many points for no manicure vs. a tacky manicure vs. perfect, morally good manicure. She judges news anchors on TV the same way - she will only accepts news from those whose tastes and manners she considers acceptable, scrutinizing every highlights job and every pair of earrings. I really have to figure out how NOT to pass this on.

[cyclopatra]

Oh my god, does every mother do this? Say something and then flatly deny two minutes later that she said it? And here I thought my mother had some special sort of insanity.

Actually, for years I thought I was the crazy, bad, malicious girl who made things up, until she finally did it in front of witnesses who backed me up.

[Anna]

Luckily, the toenail painting gene skips a generation in my family. My grandmother and I would ooh and ahh over colors and give each other manicures (well, her me, mainly -- she got hers done by a proper professional), and my mom and aunts would just look over and be glad that I was diverting attention from the state of their nails, un-primped as they were.

But I do get the "subtle" grooming hints from my mom in other areas. Mostly about wearing slips. Somehow that's The Key to Skirtwearing, as far as she's concerned. Well, maybe I don't mind that my skirt is totally transparent when I stand in front of a window. I'll avoid the window. There, all better.

[dave]

Try this one...

"Well, Mom... you're in luck. I hear that once a week they have volunteers that give free pedicures AT THE NURSING HOME!"

[WindyLou]

My mom LOVES to ask 5 million questions in rapid-fire manner. The number of question quadruples if you ever answer "I don't know!"(Is your sister going on the trip? i don't knowWhat is she doing instead? i don't knowWhere is she going? i don't know - why don't you ask herWell, I just thought you might know........ no mom, i don'tWell, is she staying home? i don't knowWell, she's not going on the trip? i don't know)

And I love it when she is wearing a hideous outfit and tells me that mine isn't "flattering"or that I need to smile more or Don't you think you should wear pantyhose with that? (no, or I would have worn them)The list is endless.............

Only my mom can bring me to that level of frustration.....

[Morphienne]

Huh. My mother's just fine. She hasn't said anything to me about my appearance in years, and, although she has not such a great memory about stuff she says, she'll never deny any of it (mostly because she can't remember for sure that she didn't say it).

I kind of get the impression that the mothers talked about on this comment thread are all 1950's/1960's generation mothers, though, whereas mine started being a mother in 1981. Do you think this kind of behavior might be generational? Because I've noticed that my grandmother, who did most of her parenting in the '50's, is very critical of the appearance of her female granddaughters, almost like we have to be spic and span so she can sell us on the marriage market, or to goblins, or something. She reminds me of bad legends about gipsies.

[debl]

Well, my mom became a mom in 1972, and she never cared about our appearance (to a fault, I'd say, since even today I have no idea how to wear makeup or even style my hair properly). But she was fresh out of Middlebury College and wearing lots of Indian-print wrap skirts and the like.

My grandmother, though... She doesn't ever say anything bad, but she's always touching my hair, or feeling the fabric of my skirt, or something - she's way more interested in that stuff than my parents are. So you may be on to something. (I am pretty sure Alice's mom is of the same generation as mine, though.)

[debl]

Well, my mom became a mom in 1972, and she never cared about our appearance (to a fault, I'd say, since even today I have no idea how to wear makeup or even style my hair properly). But she was fresh out of Middlebury College and wearing lots of Indian-print wrap skirts and making macrame and the like.

My grandmother, though... She doesn't ever say anything bad, but she's always touching my hair, or feeling the fabric of my skirt, or something - she's way more interested in that stuff than my parents are. So you may be on to something. (I am pretty sure Alice's mom is of the same generation as mine, though.)

[debl]

Okay, seriously? That is my first double-post ever. Dammit!

[flea]

There's a reason why people like us swear never to write about our families - once you start complaining it's SO HARD to stop!

[ben]

Two things:

a) Remember that "Mad About You" episode where she was complaining about how easily her parents pushed her buttons?

"Of course, they installed them."

b) Chrysler used to sell a van in a color that my wife thought was hideous. She called the color "XXX's mom's fingernails." It was some variant of gold.

[aurora]

my mom was a total hippy and i still don't know how to apply make up or use a curling iron (and i'm 30!).BUT - she does the "i never said that!" -lying thing. man!!! that drives me so crazy!

[dayment]

I was such an asshole to my mother that she stopped offering her opinion. And that's since I was 14.Looking back at the phases I went through, I really could have used her opinion.

[Rita]

I spent today harping and blogging about rude weight comments. My mother never made one of them to me, even though I weighed 100 pounds in fourth grade, and at a perfectly healthy BMI today, I still turned out feeling like the world was wearing one big judge's robe. I sometimes wonder if those whose mothers were more judgemental than mine developed the hard candy shell I seem to be lacking, despite my extreme attempts to appear otherwise. Could it possibly be a good thing?

[Melissa S]

I fear my mother will figure out how to make the internet 'go' and she will read this.

So I will only say this: I know. Oh, how I know.

Okay and I'll also say this because I just recently had this talk with my mother.

I'll talk about something troubling or concerning me.

She replies with a long drawn out story about how something so similar happened to her and she dealt with it in this really emotionally healthy way and, you know, she just GOT OVER IT and there's this big subtext in the middle of the room that I pretend not to see.

"Why, oh why, can't my daughter be emotionally healthy and just GET OVER IT."

Also there's the weight comments.

"Well, you used to be just ridiculously skinny and now, you're just a little more than the average person."

Is this therapy? Because I feel like I'm in therapy and I could really use a tissue.

[Morphienne]

Rita, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that people making rude comments to you about your appearance--as though it's important and as though it's any of their business whatsoever--is, um, rude.

Hard candy shells have two problems with them, from what I've seen. The first one is that they frequently cause you to be an asshole, so you end up pulling the same crap on other, less powerful, people that was pulled on you. The second is that hard candy shells are still hiding a very hurt person, who over time has been so pummeled into mush that it has to erect hard candy around it. That's not a better way of dealing with mean people; just a different one.

*shrugs* My two cents.

[jilbur]

Hey Melissa, I was just imagining a conversation between you and your mom where you casually say, "Hey, you used to be this person who was capable of showing some empathy and sensitivity, and now, you're just a little less kind than Jerry Springer."

[sac]

I have nothing to add here because I have a ...wait a sec, let me check...yep, still there...because I have a penis. I get to wear whatever I like.

Oh, and you should see how distinguished looking I am now that I am getting older and have some grey hairs coming in. At the temples, of course.

[Heather]

Oh, c'mon y'all! I can't be the ONLY one who hears Bobby Brown's "My Perogative" in her head after reading the first comment by Jilbur!

Oh, I am?

Huh. Mom always said I was a weird one.

And back on topic... my mom never really did any of that. Not with a glaring frequency, anyways. I hope I don't have it to look forward to.

[Jinny]

My mother became a mother in 1980 and I am here to tell you that it is NOT a generational thing. I won't see my mother for weeks (even though we only live blocks away from each other) and when I decide to pop over for a quick visit the first thing she does is look me up and down. She might not say anything, but I know what she is doing. Inspecting what I am wearing. It never ends.

Oh, and she LOVES to pull the 'I did not say that' trick.

[Miel]

I get even worse but they are so over the top insulting sometimes (both parents) that it become amusing...

I swear that I've had this argument about 'you said x' with my mother so many times and I always think "Maybe she's right? Maybe she didn't say that?" Can I now assume I'm right because you blogged on it and there is so much daughterly confirmation here?

Or must we assume that we all imagine things?

[heather]

My mum has cooled her criticism in recent years having realized that it's, ummm, hurtful. My dad by contrast, seems to be getting worse in his old age. He has no qualms about making judgmental comments on my appearance.

So, after I haven't seen him in months, the first thing out of his mouth is invariably "Oh, looks like you've put on some weight".

Thanks dad, it's good to see you too.

[stay_c]

Mine doesn't do the "I didn't say that." She favors the "You never told me that." Trust me, it's just as bad, but when done in front of others, I look as though I'm having phony conversations.

[Miel]

Heather my dad says "How did you get so fat?!?" so count yourself lucky.