An open letter to five-year-olds.
September 17, 2007Listen up, jerks. You may think your place in the household is secure, but your parents have had it with you, and are seriously considering some drastic changes. Like maybe a move to a Preschooler-Free Household. Yeah, that's right. One of these mornings you might just find your Thomas Suitcase all packed up on the doorstep. Your parents will tell you there's an AWESOME SURPRISE waiting for you outside, and once you're out there, oopsie, the door locked behind you! And why aren't they answering the door? And what's that cab pulling up the driveway?
Oh, don't give me that look, with the big wet eyes. All right, probably they won't do that. Or definitely. Definitely they won't do that. Okay? Pull yourself together. But sometimes they dream of it, and do you want them thinking of you like that? No, right? You're staring at me blankly, so either you agree or you don't understand a word I'm saying. While I have your attention, here are some behaviors you might want to avoid in the future:
1. Whining. Bad idea, short stuff. I don't know when you first learned the super-smartastic lesson that making a sound like the air being slowly let out of a balloon will cause your parents to finally see your point. In fact, all they can hear is EEEEEEEE. All they can think is "Where's that suitcase of his?"
2. Talking. As in, that much. Yes you're witty and brilliant and yes your parents sometimes enjoy hearing of your Lego Batman Adventures in Prehistoric Space, but the occasional pause would serve you well. For instance, when your mom is calling the bank and she gets one of those automated voice-activated menus. The kind that respond to YES and NO, not MOM HEY MOM LISTEN HOW BATMAN EXCAPED THE ROBOTRONIC DINO-RAPTOR.
3. Behaving in a nutty fashion. News flash: sometimes your parents think you're a complete loon. Like when you're tired but instead of sitting quietly or GOING TO BED LIKE YOU CLEARLY NEED TO, you leap from room to room, alternately wailing piteously and cackling with mirth. Then when your parents sensibly try to direct you upstairs you engage in multiple wacky pratfalls until you finally injure yourself. And blame your parents for your injuries.
4. Baby talk. There was a time when you talked like a baby, and you're not in that time anymore. You can't fake it. It's not charming when you try. You like to combine it with the whining. No one else likes it. See how your mom is shuddering? Okay. Let's move on.
5. "Again!" Here's the thing: if something happens that was fun, we get that you enjoyed it. And that you wish you could freeze that moment in time and replay it as many times as you want. Unfortunately, you cannot. So when your mom hangs you upside-down by the feet and you're greatly amused, and you ask for it again, maybe she can do it one or two more times. But after the fifth time, her spine begins to give out. And when you're issuing threats and caterwauling because you can't do that fun upside-down thing a 37th time, you've pretty much sapped the fun out of the experience, and also caused your parents to think twice about ever engaging with you, in any way, until the end of time. Let it go.
There are 17 other behaviors we need to address, but this is a good beginning for now. If you make an honest attempt to improve yourself in the ways I've outlined above, your place in the home might remain secure. Of course I can't promise anything. And no, you can't have a cookie. No, I said. Not now. No. No. Okay, just one.
Reader Comments (76)
Now if only my 5 year old could read.
If I could write a letter to two-year-olds, it would read "Two year olds: STOP IT. Seriously."
can i cross-stitch this and hang it in the kitchen?
Love it.
Are you telling me that all those traits--which I see every frickin' day with my almost-4-year-old--are going to continue for at least another year?!?
Don't mind me. I'm off to find a nice bathtub and a straight razor.
My four-year-old is channeling your five-year-old.
But, you missed:-shrieking like you desperately need something, but not actually needing anything. (at least, not anything that I can actually provide)-being markedly unstable (read, too unpredictable for modern society)-moaning, oh the moaning "moooooom, mmmooommmmmm, mooommmmy, mommy, mooomommm, ..."
I'd be really sympathetic about his trouble adjusting to pre-school... if he weren't a damned tyrant about it.
"I don't understand what you are saying when you whine."
I say that dozens of times a day. So far to no avail.
It gets better, too. The increasing logical ability and independence and personality totally outweigh the bad. Once the cool elementary kid stuff kicks in, the whining goes waaaay down.
Plus he won't let me get away with generic 'umhmms' or 'that's nice' when he's going on and on and on and on. "I know you're not listening to me because you said umhmm."
Apparently the kid is the only one in the house who doesn't need to listen.
Or as recently was overheard at the Furious house"I'm going downstairs this isn't fum for me anymore." Mrs F says reaching emotional & physical exhaustion"Ok but I'm going to follow you and annoy you!" Kid F retortsThat you are....
How about the INSISTANCE to be carried... while my SIX year old is climbing up my body as I try to walk away as if I HAVE NO SIX YEAR OLD!!!
"CARRY ME, MOMMY!!"
Me *weeping*
"Whoops, I just jammed a fork into my ears" has become a regular in our household.
(Usually followed by "what did you say mommy?" "oh,nothing dear")