An open letter to five-year-olds.
September 17, 2007Listen up, jerks. You may think your place in the household is secure, but your parents have had it with you, and are seriously considering some drastic changes. Like maybe a move to a Preschooler-Free Household. Yeah, that's right. One of these mornings you might just find your Thomas Suitcase all packed up on the doorstep. Your parents will tell you there's an AWESOME SURPRISE waiting for you outside, and once you're out there, oopsie, the door locked behind you! And why aren't they answering the door? And what's that cab pulling up the driveway?
Oh, don't give me that look, with the big wet eyes. All right, probably they won't do that. Or definitely. Definitely they won't do that. Okay? Pull yourself together. But sometimes they dream of it, and do you want them thinking of you like that? No, right? You're staring at me blankly, so either you agree or you don't understand a word I'm saying. While I have your attention, here are some behaviors you might want to avoid in the future:
1. Whining. Bad idea, short stuff. I don't know when you first learned the super-smartastic lesson that making a sound like the air being slowly let out of a balloon will cause your parents to finally see your point. In fact, all they can hear is EEEEEEEE. All they can think is "Where's that suitcase of his?"
2. Talking. As in, that much. Yes you're witty and brilliant and yes your parents sometimes enjoy hearing of your Lego Batman Adventures in Prehistoric Space, but the occasional pause would serve you well. For instance, when your mom is calling the bank and she gets one of those automated voice-activated menus. The kind that respond to YES and NO, not MOM HEY MOM LISTEN HOW BATMAN EXCAPED THE ROBOTRONIC DINO-RAPTOR.
3. Behaving in a nutty fashion. News flash: sometimes your parents think you're a complete loon. Like when you're tired but instead of sitting quietly or GOING TO BED LIKE YOU CLEARLY NEED TO, you leap from room to room, alternately wailing piteously and cackling with mirth. Then when your parents sensibly try to direct you upstairs you engage in multiple wacky pratfalls until you finally injure yourself. And blame your parents for your injuries.
4. Baby talk. There was a time when you talked like a baby, and you're not in that time anymore. You can't fake it. It's not charming when you try. You like to combine it with the whining. No one else likes it. See how your mom is shuddering? Okay. Let's move on.
5. "Again!" Here's the thing: if something happens that was fun, we get that you enjoyed it. And that you wish you could freeze that moment in time and replay it as many times as you want. Unfortunately, you cannot. So when your mom hangs you upside-down by the feet and you're greatly amused, and you ask for it again, maybe she can do it one or two more times. But after the fifth time, her spine begins to give out. And when you're issuing threats and caterwauling because you can't do that fun upside-down thing a 37th time, you've pretty much sapped the fun out of the experience, and also caused your parents to think twice about ever engaging with you, in any way, until the end of time. Let it go.
There are 17 other behaviors we need to address, but this is a good beginning for now. If you make an honest attempt to improve yourself in the ways I've outlined above, your place in the home might remain secure. Of course I can't promise anything. And no, you can't have a cookie. No, I said. Not now. No. No. Okay, just one.
Reader Comments (76)
Molly: When do you find the time to cross stich? I think it's time to cross stich their mouths shut.
Kids sure can suck can't they?
And Sooz? Yes. Yes it is.
Jack turns eight months old tomorrow.....I will love him, and hug him and appreciate the hell out of the fact he can't talk yet. Or walk. Or any of those other horrible things.
Then, I'm going to look for a way to hold on to these moments, becasue you all just scared the shit out of me! I'm already threatening him with putting him in a box and sending him to Siberia. That or the Gypsies, becasue they like little boys.
Crap. I'm so screwed.
They really are very charming, most of the time.
#3 (total maniac meltdowns) are common in my house. Sometimes I kind of envy her ability to enjoy behaviors that would get an adult involuntarily committed.
Everytime. Like a freakin' call to arms - Boys, Daddy, Mommy's on the phone! Time for an indepth discussion.
thank you. and good night.
I am sorry to be the one to inforn you that Numbers One, Two, and unfortunately, even Three still may occur with a fifteen year old.
One: well, no explanation necessary. Kids will always whine.
Two turns into play-by-play commentary of every sport event they have recently participated in or even watched, fueled by constant changing of whatever I was watching to any one of several ESPN channels, and their commentators with the high-pitched, always-on voices. I HATE ESPN.
As for behaving nutty, they tend to do it with their friends instead, and it can be hilarious, but I don't want to think about it too much as they will all soon or have recently gotten their licenses.
And I wouldn't change a thing.
I am sorry to be the one to inforn you that Numbers One, Two, and unfortunately, even Three (occasionally) still may occur with a fifteen year old.
One: well, no explanation necessary. Kids will always whine.
Two turns into play-by-play commentary of every and/or any sports event they have recently participated in or even watched, fueled by constant changing of whatever I was watching to any one of several ESPN channels, with their commentators with the high-pitched, always-on voices. I HATE ESPN.
As for behaving nutty, they tend to do it with their friends instead, and it can be hilarious, but I don't want to think about that too much as they will all soon or have recently gotten their licenses.
But I wouldn't change a thing. I loved Five.
And I must add 4b)Fake country accent. He watches wayyyyy too much Hannah Montana with his sister.
Forget about shipping off the kids...I think I'm going to run away to Fiji.
That is, unless you have a daughter, in which case the whining tends to increase 10-fold!
I could use a few of these lists myself for the children I nanny for!
That's all we ever hear about in this household!
Now he's going to make his own living, with his own obsession, on LegoAdventures.com:-)