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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

« One more foot-themed entry! Last one! | Main | Back to school »
Friday
Sep162011

And now, a sexy story for you

A couple of days ago I was getting out of the shower, and while I was changing, I noticed that I had cut the top of my toe. (Not the big toe. A lesser toe. I don't know why this detail is important.) Scott noticed it as well, or maybe I stuck my toe in his face and shouted "LOOK I AM BLEEDING PLEASE HELP" (I sometimes do this) and he said, reasonably enough, "How did you do that?"
I hesitated. Then I thought, you know what? We've been together for seventeen years. It's about time he knew this about me. "Well," I said, "I…I must have nicked it with the razor."
"The razor? But why…?"
"Because," I said. "Because I have furry hobbit toes. And I shave them."
"You ... shave your toes?" I have never seen him look more confused.
"DON'T JUDGE ME," I did not shout. But I thought it. Maybe I said it?
"It's better that you don't know too much about this," I said. "But yes."
"But I don't understand," he said, "why would you shave them?"
"As opposed to what? Waxing? Burning?"
"No," he said, "I would think you would pluck them."
And then I backed slowly out of the room, then out the door, then down the stairs, and now I don't know where I am.

No, but seriously. Pluck them? I don't even know where to start with this. Does he think I have one or two weird aberrant hairs that sprout up on my toes? I have tiny mini-forests that would sprout on every toe if I didn't maintain them. Should I not have told you that?

Perhaps the sexiest detail in this story is that I was getting ready to go to the OB/GYN.  Yes, I was shaving my toes for my doctor. No reason she should have to deal with anything less than the most hairless of feet in her stirrups!

Aaaand I've just lost my last male reader. My work here is done.

Reader Comments (87)

Do you know how happy I am to read that I'M NOT THE ONLY PERSON THAT DOES THIS?!?!?!?!

Seriously, though... you've gotta keep hobbit toes in line. Plucking would not work.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteramber

I have pale skin and dark hair, so I have to be constantly vigilant about facial and body hair. It's exhausting.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLouise

Is it wrong to love this post? I want to favorite it (since when did that become a verb?) but I'm afraid of what this says about me. And my furry toes.

Seriously, evolution, how long have we been wearing socks? Catch up, DNA!

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKymmi

Thank you so much for the Friday afternoon laugh.
But seriously, Pluck? Next time he goes to shave, give him a tweezers.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe Dalai Mama

Okay, has he ever plucked a hair? It's not the go-to option. I have a pretty manageable amount of hair on my toes but I shave them because plucking them would hurt like hell and leave angry red welts on my feet. So then I'd have to remember to pluck my toes at bedtime the night _before_ I went to the doctor...

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMomVee

Pluck them? Oh God, no!

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSmedette

Pluck them!? Is he crazy??? I shave my big toes and the tops of my feet.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMegan

Yes. When I was 10, I was on a family vacation and caught my 19 year old cousin shaving her toes. I expressed skepticism at this practice, whereupon she gave me a dark look and said "Just you wait, little girl."

And of course, she was right! Of course I have to shave my toes! Or, anyway, should. The big one and the one next to it (pointer toe? index toe?). Those are scary.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJane

Ha! Hobbit-toed-shavers unite! I, too, have nicked my toe with a razor. I also shaved the lady-mustache on my upper lip. That was odd.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFreeRange Pamela

I had this same conversation with my father a few years back. We weren't in the bathroom (obvs). We were in a car, and no, I don't remember how the conversation even started.

Anyways, glad to hear I'm not the only hobbit-in-hiding.

Plucking...nuts!

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMandi

annnnnnd this is where we lose our commonality....

{because i would never tell my husband about this issue...uh uh, no way.}

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSummer

I love you people.

Summer, I would have kept this to myself, believe me. My defenses were down.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteralice

You haven't shaken all the boys yet. I'm still here. Barely.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDaddy Scratches

SO glad I'm not the only toe-shaver in the western world.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterErin

I guess Scott and I come from the same planet - I occasionally pluck my big-toe hairs. But yeah, only for the doctor.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterClaire

One time, ONE time I tried to pluck a toe hair. That's all it took. Plucking is not a valid toe maintenance option...believe me.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermoojoose

I once had a roommate who was so non-hairy that she plucked her leg hair! Crazy, that!

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMary

Clearly I am a minority in the plucking toe hair category. If you had hair that grows as fast as mine you might be contorted with the tweezers too in order avoid the five o'clock toe shadow.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelinda

First, I think I'd probably just wear socks to the doctor's office. I feel no need to do any special grooming for the stirrups.

Second, does Scott pluck his toe hairs? If not, I think it's time he give it a whirl.

Third, I'm glad that I got one decent gene in my whole f'ed up system - light colored body hair and a 2 foot personal space radius means I get to have a unibrow and hairy toes, and no one is the wiser.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commentera

I'm really impressed that you shave your lesser toes, too. My big toes get a bit of hair on them, but your lesser toes? That's quite the FEAT. (get it?)

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLuda

I totally shave my toes too. Respect.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

I do this, too. I also shave the bottoms of my toes for good measure.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterchristy

I do this too. (The toe shaving AND the cutting!)

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDeanna

Yep, I shave mine too. I am a hairy beast. Plucking them would hurt like a bitch, yo.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Those wax strips from Nads for the toes and the tops of the feet. No kidding. Very easy to DIY. Like Melinda, shaving gives me 5 o'clock toe shadow.

September 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLori

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