And now, a sexy story for you
September 16, 2011A couple of days ago I was getting out of the shower, and while I was changing, I noticed that I had cut the top of my toe. (Not the big toe. A lesser toe. I don't know why this detail is important.) Scott noticed it as well, or maybe I stuck my toe in his face and shouted "LOOK I AM BLEEDING PLEASE HELP" (I sometimes do this) and he said, reasonably enough, "How did you do that?"
I hesitated. Then I thought, you know what? We've been together for seventeen years. It's about time he knew this about me. "Well," I said, "I…I must have nicked it with the razor."
"The razor? But why…?"
"Because," I said. "Because I have furry hobbit toes. And I shave them."
"You ... shave your toes?" I have never seen him look more confused.
"DON'T JUDGE ME," I did not shout. But I thought it. Maybe I said it?
"It's better that you don't know too much about this," I said. "But yes."
"But I don't understand," he said, "why would you shave them?"
"As opposed to what? Waxing? Burning?"
"No," he said, "I would think you would pluck them."
And then I backed slowly out of the room, then out the door, then down the stairs, and now I don't know where I am.
No, but seriously. Pluck them? I don't even know where to start with this. Does he think I have one or two weird aberrant hairs that sprout up on my toes? I have tiny mini-forests that would sprout on every toe if I didn't maintain them. Should I not have told you that?
Perhaps the sexiest detail in this story is that I was getting ready to go to the OB/GYN. Yes, I was shaving my toes for my doctor. No reason she should have to deal with anything less than the most hairless of feet in her stirrups!
Aaaand I've just lost my last male reader. My work here is done.
Reader Comments (87)
I shaved my arms once. Arm stubble! NOT PRETTY.
I tried plucking...once. It was like pulling one of my nose hairs out.
Oh, what?! Like you've never done that?? Don't judge me!
BTW, I shave my toes before shoe shopping. Shoes fit better.
If that is all it takes to lose male readers, I submit that they weren't very good readers to begin with. Anyway, you still have me. It takes a lot more than hobbit toes to shake this man off your trail.
That sounded stalker-ish, didn't it?
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
Well, let's see. Your name is Alice, meaning "without lice". So I'm guessing your parents saw your hairy toes and decided on Alice instead of Toelice as kind of a marketing ploy.
As disturbing as it is, I pluck mine. And yes, they're pretty dang hairy! I like to wait until after a long shower when they don't hold on to the bone as much. Plus it looks cleaner after plucking vs after shaving. Ten years of marriage & I don't think the hubby has any idea.... :D
Try the razor with the clippers on it (you know, the one with the commercial with the suggestive topiaries). Those clippers are perfect for toes, with no unfortunate nicks or cuts.
One peek at hairy toes in the OB/GYN's office and next thing you know, an animal husbandry expert is doing your pap. Keep on shaving, dear Alice.
I am not kidding when I write this - yesterday, I was looking down at my feet and really noticed the hair on the tops, then the hair on my toes. And I went on thinking - My God, what the hell is wrong with me? I've never noticed this on other women. Should I shave them? Wax them? Not bother? How many people have noticed this about me and have been totally grossed-out? Maybe my husband has been too afraid to mention it these many years...
I've been randomly thinking about this off and on for 24 hours, wondering how to deal with (yet another) freakish feature. Now I know it must go!
Thank you, Alice, for a very well-timed post
I am glad we're all finally healing, as a gender. There is no reason to feel shame about our horrible feet. None at all.
No matter what you do that you think you're the only one... invariably you're not. And when it comes to something like this, toe shaving, it's a good bet 4 out of 5 women also do it and that 5th woman probably should.
It's like enjoying the pleasures of the shower massager. You think that's your little secret? Oh no lady... everyone who's ever started out thinking, "what a handy way to clean all the crevices!" and ended up with her eyes rolled up in the back of her head is on to THAT slice of heaven!
Toe shavers unite! I once had a conversation about toe shaving with my pastor's wife. Awkward!
I wish I could broach the subject softly with a few of my family, because they should know that they have hobbit feet. I just don't know how to tell them (and I think they would be devastated). Maybe I will just let them live in ignorance.
Almost 70 comments...on a Saturday for Pete's Sake, for toe shaving.
Who do you think you are, Alice Bradley??
welcome to the club, Alice, and all the rest of you! I not only regularly shave my toes, but I also have the horror of discovering (every few weeks or so) one or two HORRIBLE HORRIBLE (thick, black and horrible) hairs either on my decolleté or sticking out of my THROAT. I mean, what did I do to deserve this?? This must be my south-american heritage.
Luckily, plucking works for those suckers.
Miriam
Oh, good heavens -- I leave my socks on at the doctor. You can get me naked and poke around in my business all you want, but you cannot see my feet. (But then, I can't stand having my feet touched ever by anyone. The fact that people go get pedicures, and pay total strangers to do nothing but touch their feet for an extended period of time makes me feel more than a little ill. I have no problems with other people's feet -- I will give foot massages and all that jazz -- but I do not want my feet touched in any context by anyone, ever. Ever.)
So it's not just me...it certainly is funny that we all thought that. Thank you Lord for the Internet. Considering the amazing excess of TMI conversations out there, I'm not quite sure why this one has remained everyone's dirty little secret, but I'd never, ever spoken to anyone about this, and never planned to. I'd even considered doing one of those Living Social laser hair removal coupons, but I was too embarrassed to call them and ask if toes were okay (imagining a stifled giggle, a whispered "Marcy! C'mere--you gotta hear this!"..."Okay, ma'am, I'm back--could you tell me again just exactly where it is you need the hair removal? And how much hair are we talking about here?" "Uh-huh. Hmmm...you know, I'm not sure. Do you think you might possibly be able to email me a few photos of the, uh, affected area, so I can show the um, technical director of operations of our clinic to make a determination on that?" "Oh, of COURSE they'd remain confidential, of course they would."
Only my big toes seem to be affected, and I'm pretty sure, given the perinatal onset, that my darling children are somehow to blame, and that this seems to be some sort of hormonal monstrosity--certainly I had nice hairless toes prior to having them. And my feet themselves were perhaps 1/2" narrower. And my left ankle did not have its strange little fat deposit. Okay, that's depressing enough--never mind what happened to the rest of me!
I think I would have liked reading this a lot more if it was a story about finding lice in your toe hairs.
(Btw, I totally shave my toes and get all girly pretty for my gyno, as well).
I thought you should hear from everyone, even the lurkers, who also shave, not only their toes, but their "lady 'staches" and their chinny chin chins. Yes I get 5:00 shadow, but I'm a weenie and plucking hurts. {{Hobbit hugs to all}}
Things we don't know about each other -- very funny. I think waxing, maybe? Get them to throw it in with a bikini wax like I do! It's actually not so painful after the bikini area is done, you don't even notice....
More hair grows after forty, by the way, in more places. And other hair things happen after forty ... my friend's new blog is all about marriage after forty (motherhood and marriage).
http://marriageatfortysomething.blogspot.com/
You made me laugh out loud. I turn 49 this month and I had no idea that anyone did this. Of course, I am so lacking in hair that I only shave my armpits. Thank you for allowing me a moment of amused superiority. I needed it.
Dammit there's a technical term for toe hair and it's driving me crazy that I can't remember it.
There is something strangely adorable about toe hair. I say you should braid it!
I not only shave my toes for the OB/GYN but also anytime I get a pedicure. I don't think have told my husband yet though!!
I clearly need to take better care of my feet. I didn't know they were so important. Maybe they're hairy, maybe they're not. Maybe they're hideous, maybe they're not. I honestly hardly look.
Note to self--ask husband what he thinks about my feet. We were running out of things to talk about anyway, so this could be pay dirt.
You are not alone. I have a friend that plucks her bikini line. When she told me this, I thought "Holy Crap! There's not enought time in the day for me to sit down and do that!". She's a hairless freak so it's not a big deal, probably takes her five minutes. I bet she doesn't have to shave her toes either.
Ladies with Hobbit toes unite! I get all kinds of glammed up for my OB/Gyn. I shave my legs, toes, trim the vag, paint my toesies... she's a lucky lady. Except for right now - I'm 37 weeks pregnant... shaving or trimming would be suicide.
I truly think unwanted hair is the final frontier for women, and that we need to keep this open discussion going. VIVA LA HOBBITS!