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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« The two-year-old: Complicated. Lovable. But most of all, psychotic. | Main | Toddlers talk funny, and sometimes we misunderstand them, to humorous effect. »

And now: we dance.

So I more or less blew off the Internet for a few days; the Internet kept calling but I was checking my caller ID and letting the machine pick up, and then Husband says to me, “You have some comments you might want to read,” and I’m all, “What, did my mom write something?,” and he’s like, “Um, no, some other people,” and then I read the comments and I cry a little and I tell my husband how much you all rock and then the Internet calls and says “Come back to me, baby,” and so here I am!

We’re indoors almost all the time these days GOD HELP US WHEN WILL IT BE SPRING which means we’re listening to a lot of music ANYTHING TO BREAK THE AWFUL, AWFUL SILENCE and Henry is forming some strong opinions IF I DON’T PLAY THE ONES HE LIKES OH GOD THE SCREAMING. Here, in no particular order, are some of his favorites.

“First of the Gang to Die,” Morrissey

Henry: First to die! First to die!

Me: I'm enjoying Morrissey’s latest album, not least of which because it’s Swiffering my brain clean of my old Morrissey associations—the hours spent listening to The Queen is Dead in the Wendy’s parking lot, staring mournfully into the distance and pondering the bleakness of my future. That said, it’s a little unnerving to listen to your two-year-old shrieking “First to die!” while leaping about in glee.

“New Slang,” The Shins

Henry: It’s the ice cream song.

Me: I’m not sure why he calls this the ice cream song, as it sounds nothing like Turkey in the Straw, or as it’s better known, “Do Your Boobs Hang Low.” (Or balls! It works both ways! That’s why it’s a classic.) Or what's that other brain-searing plinkety-plink song? It’s difficult to recall anything about ice-cream trucks when you’re buried beneath a foot of snow. Did we enjoy this "ice cream"? Were we warm, back then? Did we not wear heavy boots?

“Chimbley Sweep,” The Decemberists

Henry: [standing, transfixed, in front of the stereo] That’s good. Again. Again. Again.

Me: Apparently Henry strongly identifies with the “poor and wretched boy” of this song. Or he dreams of being an orphan. While I like the album, this song isn’t my favorite. Especially when you have to play it over and over. And over. And what the hell’s a chimbley?

“The Art of Noise,” Cee-lo Green

Henry: [Is too busy frantically boogying about the room to issue a comment.]

Me: Damn. I didn’t know anything about this here Cee-lo until my very cool brother (who owns the very cool Sound Fix) gave me a mix that included this song. I could go on at great length about this song’s joyfulness and booty-shaking-osity, but really you just need to hear it and, you know, get your freak on and so forth.

“Oh What a World,” Rufus Wainwright

Henry: [looking highly suspicious] Opera. Nooo.

Me: Okay, so this isn’t exactly one of Henry’s favorites. And Rufus is getting all operatic on our asses, it’s true. You could kind of see it coming, if you paid even a little bit of attention to his previous albums. For the record, I paid a lot of attention to Mr. Wainwright’s previous albums, as I believe that he is not only a wondrous musician but also a dreamy dreamboat. And if he ever, say, needed to crash somewhere for a few days, he could totally stay here and I would make him cocoa and brush his hair and supply him with all the heroin he requested. Or if he’s not into that anymore, that would be totally okay! More cocoa, then!

Reader Comments (60)

Oh, geez, i've already commented but I forgot to add that both my toddlers can sing Denis Leary's ASSHOLE song. How appropriate is THAT to what's been happening recently?


"everybody now! A!-SS!-HO!-LE!"

-Blue (the thrifty mom blog)
January 27, 2005 | Unregistered Commenter-Blue
I'm sorry I didn't post a comment sooner. This is my favorite blog. I'm expecting my first baby, and you are a fantastic, hilarious, realistic ray of light. I don't know what happened exactly, but do not pay them any mind. Do not censor yourself. I say this from a purely selfish perspective - I would miss this blog immensely.

Could you run the comments through a "monitor" who could delete the awful ones before you even see them?
January 27, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersarahgirl
Whew, that was close! You're too good to give it up. That's totally self-interest talking but true. Remember: there will always be bastards. Sick, fetid, purulent bastards. However, there will also always be even more good people whom you entertain and inspire. Thanks for being here.
January 27, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTeken
I just went and listened to that New Slang song for the first time (you are clearly far, far cooler than I), and I'm embarrased to admit I totally get where Patrick is coming from on the ice cream song thing. It's definitely got that sort of twinkly, lolloping rhythm, just like the ice cream song, although unlike the ice cream song, it doesn't make me think of scary pedophiles using filthy trucks to kidnap children. (I know, how wrong is that?)
January 27, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterQueenie
So cool your music selections. Your kid will grow up not listening to the pop music but will have a deep history of music which rocks.
January 27, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterpregnancyweekly
delurking to say YAY! sad, I was. happy, I am!
January 27, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersveedish
opera. noooo.

this made me go try to find the original video for "new slang".it's just a sweet girl singing along. toward the end, she can't take it anymore and busts up into laughter.makes you want to kiss her on the mouth.
January 30, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterredclay
hi! hopping on the bandwagon ultra-late, here [though surprisingly i didn't find you by way of the nyt article of dumbassery]...anyway, love your blog, and felt the need to comment on this entry because i love making little kids into tiny music snobs. i don't have any children [or a husband, or boyfriend, or etc etc], but i am a day care teacher with a class of two-year-olds, and i subject them to my music all the time, and they love it. we often have impromptu dance parties. my class' favorite songs include:

*t-shirt weather, by the lucksmiths [the luckies are good for kids in general. very friendly and smart]

*the last polka, zak and sara, and kate, by ben folds/five [i probably shouldn't be playing babies a song about a girl who smokes pot and so forth, but mostly they just care about yelling out "KATE!!!!" during the chorus].

*hey julie, by fountains of wayne. [for some reason, they all start rolling their hands ala "wheels on the bus" and cracking up when i play this]

*uh, cigarettes and chocolate milk, by rufus wainwright. god, am i totally corrupting these children?

*take the fifth, by spoon. [they totally dig the beat on this one]

*motel mood, by the candy butchers. [this song is TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE, but they like a good slowjam with a harmonica, and they haven't yet learned to decipher wordplay and imagery, so they just think it's pretty, which it is, and have no idea that it's about having sex in a cheap hotel room]

am i fired yet? :o)-brandi.
January 31, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterbran
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