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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Evidence that I have too much time on my hands | Main | Sunrise, Sunset »

Anniversary weekend!

Scott and I spent the weekend living it up, fancy-style, as befits our 11-years-married status. (We were dating for four years before that. 15 years! I was dating my now-husband when some of you all were wearing short pants!) As I mentioned previously, I got us a room at the Ritz-Carlton for his 40th birthday, but scheduled it for our anniversary. See what I did, there? It’s a present for him that is also for me. Thus sparing him the need to buy me an anniversary gift. I am a giver!

When we checked in, the, uh, check-in guy informed us that, due to its being our anniversary and all (you bet your sweet patoot I told them when I reserved the room), we were being upgraded to a suite. My first thought was that I had already reserved a suite, but nice attempt to impress us, Ritz-Carlton. But then, in order that we may understand the true import of this upgrade, he confided that the suite we had been upgraded to normally costs about two grand a night.


I had reserved one of the lowest-tier suites, and the only reason I even bothered with the whole “suite” idea is because in these parts, hotels, even the glamorous ones, often have alarmingly teeny rooms. I figured if I got a suite, we could at least be sure that when we took a shower, the bed wouldn’t get wet. I didn’t really think we needed a galley, full living room, office, and dining/conference area. But we got it, and my god, we were going to use it.

Here’s Scott conducting a meeting.


Good point. Exactly.



Really? Are you clowns serious?



Hang on-- he has to take this.



Damn it!


NO! DAMN it!




HA! Good one, Johnson! (Johnson can always calm him down.)


At the end of a long day, nothing like a little telescope action to unwind.


Aw, Christ. What’s the point. What’s the goddamned point.



We did that for quite a while.

Then someone actually called on the actual phone; we missed it, because by then we were busy taking turns on the Toto Washlet. (Now, you may ask: does one need a warmed toilet seat that oscillates and/or pulsates and can direct jets of water and puffs of drying air to your various toilet-related areas? Turns out, yes.)

While we tried to figure out the voice mail, Scott excitedly called out “Maybe it’s something free!” and I observed that we were letting this enormous room go to our heads, with the crazy thought that more free things would simply be brought up to us. And then I listened to the message, which was that more free things were being brought up to us.

It turned out to be a complicated structure made entirely of chocolate-covered strawberries, and before the door was even closed we had crammed most of them into our mouths. I decided we should call room service and say “We eated the chocolates and they hurt our insides and now we need more chocolates.” And then answer the door with our mouths smeared with chocolate. Because the great thing is, you know they’d all just smile and agree to our insane requests! Yes yes and more yes! Fancy places put up with lunatics, and that’s what makes them fun!

I also wanted to call the concierge and ask to have our view changed (not our room—just our view) but Scott felt that both my ideas were strange and unnecessary. While I maintained that concierges enjoy a challenge. It’s this kind of conflict that keeps the marriage lively.

Then we went back to using the Washlet for a few hours. And not that I’m complaining, fancy hotel, but we couldn’t get two of those? You know what it’s like waiting for some refreshing bottom-cleansing? Wondering if you should oscillate or pulsate or both? What, was I supposed to use the other non-warmed seat, like some kind of primitive?

It was pretty fun.

Reader Comments (88)

Love the pictures! I'm relieved to know I am not the only one to lose it when staying in a fancy hotel! My sides are aching from lauging at the image of you both with chocolate smeared faces. Glad you had a great break.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSusan
Oh...this makes me so happy. Just to know that Chris and I aren't the only ones that would behave that way in fancy pants hotel, warms my heart. Happy Anniversary!
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCindy
That was an amazing and hilarious post! You two are total awesomeness.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDina
I freakin' love you guys.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterErin
Happy Anniversary! You two are HILARIOUS. And I am so JEALOUS.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterliz
Um, Alice you had me at SHORT PANTS.

Hysterical, all around.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKerry
ditto with all of the above.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLobsta
This is pure gold. Jesus. Happy Anniversary.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca
oh you make me laugh with your writing! congrats on 11 years:)
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachel
Hysterical! Happy Anniversary. I'm wondering how long before the Washlet is installed in your apartment?
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Ha - it'll be our TWENTIETH anniversary in December - how's that for some short pants? And we are equally goofy - in fact I'm pretty sure I shouldn't show my husband these pictures because he'll be wanting to replicate each & every one. Even down to the pants on the ground. Heh.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Bug
Did you bring a telescope or was that part of the suite deal?

What an awesome weekend. I'm jealous.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
Love: this post, your weekend, and the oscillating toilet.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered Commentergreyfavorite
lol! Glad you guys had a good time. And did you know that for probably less than a night at the Ritz, you would buy a Toto Washlet for your home and use it EVERY day!

I want one. OK, well, I at least one to use one first.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGolden
My Dear & I once stayed an EXTRA night in a hotel we'd been at for a conference just to take advantage of the "conference rate" and luxuriate in the richness of it. Oh, how the other half live...
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterClarabella
It looks like you two had a great time! I actually just saw a late-night show on the Travel Channel, talking about extreme bathrooms, and the Toto Washlet was featured in it. It's in a restaurant in New York called Ninja.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlana
Oh, I'm crying from the funniness. Best post ever.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDesi
Having now USED the Toto Washlet, Golden, I can say truthfully that I NEVER want to own one. (And, mind you, I spend a great deal of time ruminating on how to optimize that experience.) This contraption is way too disturbing for daily use.

Thanks, nice people, for your kind-- though wildly misplaced-- encouragement. And thanks to my beautiful wife for arranging a criminally spectacular weekend-- and for allowing me to act out all those neat Oval Office photos you always see on American Experience. Now I need never run for highest office in the land! (More strawberries, please.)
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterScott
Oh God, I just read this entry to my wife and we were both laughing so hard we were CRYING.

I'm delighted you had such a great time - and that you shared it in such a hilarious way.

Now I'm craving strawberries.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnne
I am glad you had a great time and that they recognized your awesomeness and upgraded your room so you could make use of that fancy toilet!!

Happy Anniversary!!
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSteph
I've finally found you, George Lucas.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRobbie
That looks hella fun. FREE STUFF? You are making me realize my husband and I should probably start celebrating our anniversary. We are bonded by the fact that we are both broke and lazy. And forgetful.

Wait...when was it again?

July something! I think we've been married for [count on fingers] 8 years.

Does this anniversary laxness precipitate divorce?

I remember about 3 weeks before I got married I discovered that strangers actually cared if you were getting married and I went around telling everyone 'I'm getting married!' Now you are telling me they care if you have an anniversary too?
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterozma
My husband and I are going out of town for our anniversary on Friday and staying in a fancy hotel, and I did not even think to tell them it's for our anniversary.

To think I could have had free strawberries and ass-cleansing toilety goodness.

Damn. It.
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHeather
I just can't believe you get him to do this.

How do you do that?


Happy Anniversary!
June 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandra

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