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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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« Evidence that I have too much time on my hands | Main | Sunrise, Sunset »

Anniversary weekend!

Scott and I spent the weekend living it up, fancy-style, as befits our 11-years-married status. (We were dating for four years before that. 15 years! I was dating my now-husband when some of you all were wearing short pants!) As I mentioned previously, I got us a room at the Ritz-Carlton for his 40th birthday, but scheduled it for our anniversary. See what I did, there? It’s a present for him that is also for me. Thus sparing him the need to buy me an anniversary gift. I am a giver!

When we checked in, the, uh, check-in guy informed us that, due to its being our anniversary and all (you bet your sweet patoot I told them when I reserved the room), we were being upgraded to a suite. My first thought was that I had already reserved a suite, but nice attempt to impress us, Ritz-Carlton. But then, in order that we may understand the true import of this upgrade, he confided that the suite we had been upgraded to normally costs about two grand a night.


I had reserved one of the lowest-tier suites, and the only reason I even bothered with the whole “suite” idea is because in these parts, hotels, even the glamorous ones, often have alarmingly teeny rooms. I figured if I got a suite, we could at least be sure that when we took a shower, the bed wouldn’t get wet. I didn’t really think we needed a galley, full living room, office, and dining/conference area. But we got it, and my god, we were going to use it.

Here’s Scott conducting a meeting.


Good point. Exactly.



Really? Are you clowns serious?



Hang on-- he has to take this.



Damn it!


NO! DAMN it!




HA! Good one, Johnson! (Johnson can always calm him down.)


At the end of a long day, nothing like a little telescope action to unwind.


Aw, Christ. What’s the point. What’s the goddamned point.



We did that for quite a while.

Then someone actually called on the actual phone; we missed it, because by then we were busy taking turns on the Toto Washlet. (Now, you may ask: does one need a warmed toilet seat that oscillates and/or pulsates and can direct jets of water and puffs of drying air to your various toilet-related areas? Turns out, yes.)

While we tried to figure out the voice mail, Scott excitedly called out “Maybe it’s something free!” and I observed that we were letting this enormous room go to our heads, with the crazy thought that more free things would simply be brought up to us. And then I listened to the message, which was that more free things were being brought up to us.

It turned out to be a complicated structure made entirely of chocolate-covered strawberries, and before the door was even closed we had crammed most of them into our mouths. I decided we should call room service and say “We eated the chocolates and they hurt our insides and now we need more chocolates.” And then answer the door with our mouths smeared with chocolate. Because the great thing is, you know they’d all just smile and agree to our insane requests! Yes yes and more yes! Fancy places put up with lunatics, and that’s what makes them fun!

I also wanted to call the concierge and ask to have our view changed (not our room—just our view) but Scott felt that both my ideas were strange and unnecessary. While I maintained that concierges enjoy a challenge. It’s this kind of conflict that keeps the marriage lively.

Then we went back to using the Washlet for a few hours. And not that I’m complaining, fancy hotel, but we couldn’t get two of those? You know what it’s like waiting for some refreshing bottom-cleansing? Wondering if you should oscillate or pulsate or both? What, was I supposed to use the other non-warmed seat, like some kind of primitive?

It was pretty fun.

Reader Comments (88)

LOL! Congrats on 11 years, going on 19 over here!
June 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWendy
That was one of your most funny posts! HAHAHA!!! Thank you!
June 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCharliesmom04
I love a couple who still crack each other up after 15 years. Congrats and thanks, as always, for sharing!
June 9, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterherbette
What do you mean, use the "other" seat? Did you have two bathrooms? Or was there another toilet next to the Toto?
June 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTracy
OH, this post made me laugh and laugh! Thank you, Alice, i really needed that. :)

And Happy Anniversary! It looks like you had a lot of silly-good fun. My husband and i celebrated our 21st ann. on May 26th, and my 41st birthday was May 24th. It's fun having the occasions happen so close together, isn't it?
June 9, 2010 | Unregistered Commentergrannymelissa
Alice, this is one of the funniest things ever. I am sitting here in tears at my computer picturing the face of the person who answered the phone down at room service for your (albeit imaginary) request for more chocolate. Love it!
June 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHeather
This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. I am going to add this to my collection of things that will cheer me up no matter how unhappy I feel (already in this collection is a particular video of David Cross in a sketch comedy skit). Thanks!
June 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterReyna
Man your husband is handsome. Score! ^5 Also, we were born on the same day. Well, probably not the year. 5/19 FTW!
June 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterErica
Must've been married on the same date: 6-5-99. We also were together for a number of years prior to the nuptials. Your anniversary celebration was much better than ours, or shall we say mine, as the husband enjoyed our attending a relative's wedding, getting hammered, dancing like a fool in a sauna (air conditioning not working in a warm California location). I didn't feel smug about not drinking (designated driver) - just bored and annoyed by everyone else. No fun. There's always next year.
June 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChloe
Wow, my 11 year anniversary is this weekend too and I have been with my husband almost as long as you, only one year less AND I have stayed in that Ritz unless that is the midtown one as the one I stayed in was in Battery Park City BUT I was not upgraded to a fab suite. Congrats on that!!

If possible another time you should stay in a concierge level room and enjoy all the food...Happy Anniversary.
June 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSadie at heyMamas
It looks like a great time! I have to say thought that I am a little jealous. Not all places are so generous with their free stuff. My husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary last month, I booked a nice hotel and dinner at a fancy place and when I told them it was our anniversary both places just looked at me like, "yeah, so?" Obviously I'm still a little bitter. You know how to pick 'em way better then me. =)
June 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa
You're my kind of people. I probably would have done the same type of stuff. LOL... Thanks for giving me a good laugh.
June 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPetula
"(Johnson can always calm him down.)" Hysterical.

In Japan I came across those toilets that make the discreet flushing noise so you can aurally disguise your eliminations, but I don't recall any jets or puffs or any degree of pulsation.
June 10, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterpuncturedbicycle
I haven't worn short pants for a very long time. Not out and about anyway. We've been married for 32 years and am happy to report, we would be having fun like this too. Lovely time you had!
June 10, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjoan
How did you know I used to wear short pants? It must be because I'm a whole two years younger than you and was born in a different decade. (My short pants were to the knee, actually, to comply with the BYU dress code. Now that I'm older and ampler, I wear capris to avoid showing the unsightly area between my knee and calf.)

You two appear to know how to have a good time, so you don't need me to tell you to have a happy anniversary, especially since it's over and apparently was in fact happy. But, um, happy anniversary anyway.
June 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterZina
Hilarious post. How I wish I were friends with you guys, you are awesome.
June 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterlesli
I have come back a dozen times and looked at these pictures. I laugh every time. Johnson and the what's the point pic totally get me.
June 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDina
This is the best post you've ever done. OK, the funniest post you've ever done. I just laughed myself SICK.
June 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterwillikat
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
June 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterschmutzie
Congrats on your anniversary! You two are obviously made for each other.
June 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPam
I haven't laughed that hard in, well, I don't know when. Thanks for a much needed stress relief.
June 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenna
Why am I disturbed by the fact that there's a telescope in the room, and not by your husband's picture with his pants down? Is it physical attraction, or just that the pose was frickin' hilarious?!
June 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShayla
Happy anniversary! I have written the hotel and asked them if I could move into that suite. Thanks much.
June 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterOrion
Oh, this is hilarious. Yay :)
June 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCass Collins
Friggin' awesome post. Swank hotel room too. Happy anniversary!
June 13, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermagpie

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