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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« I'm not hiding my shame under a bushel. A shame-bushel. That's the saying, right? | Main | She's a lady »
Saturday
Apr042015

Announcement 

I hereby announce that from now on I’m going to be answering my phone by barking, “Go for Bradley.” I feel it necessary to announce this because I’ve tried just implementing my new phone-answering style and it didn’t go well. Specifically, no matter who was on the other end, they all said, “What?” or “Whuh?” or “Gopher Badly?” or "Goldfarb Brad Lean?" And I'm like "Why on earth would anyone say 'Goldfarb Brad Lean?" and THEN I have to explain that I said “Go for Bradley” and this is my new answering-the-phone style and then they’re like, “I don't understand, why are you doing this to me?” And I’m like, BECAUSE, Mom. Because.  

I have to say “Go for Bradley” now because I’m a professional and I’m very very busy. “Go for Bradley” is my way of saying, “Cut the chit chat, slackers. I don’t want your jibber-jabber, slowpokes. I don't need your niceties. I'm a goddamn professional, so let’s get down to it.” Only no one understands what I said or else they don't appreciate it and I spend a lot of time explaining myself. So it’s not actually that efficient. But I can’t change it now because if I say “hello” people will be like I THOUGHT IT WAS “GO FOR BRADLEY,” JERK. So: look. I'm saying "Go for Bradley" now. Deal with it. You've been warned. Or, you know, announced at. 

All right, fine. I’ve never said “Go for Bradley,” not once. BUT—and this is true—I think about it all the time, I think about saying it, and as a result every time I answer the phone I experience a mild frisson of delight at the very thought. I get a little giddy and I bet everyone thinks I'm incredibly excited to talk to them, when in reality I'm just thinking, this is it! But then I chicken out. Once I started and I said "go for—" and then I pretended to have a coughing fit. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, guys. 

(Also, any time anyone says "Supposedly," I want to lift a finger to interrupt them and say with a patronizing smirk, "I think you mean supposably." This also cracks me up every time. It's fun to be me!) 

Anyway I'm just here to say hi, I never meant to be gone for so long, but, you know, job, life, excuses, shut up, and I haven’t given up on this blog, although I know it seemed that way. I'm very sorry to confuse the, you know, two of you still looking in on me and wondering where I am. I missed you! I missed us. So: hello! I mean: go for Bradley. 

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Reader Comments (24)

You could try out just saying "Bradley here." I once worked with a lawyer who answered his phone "Your turn."

April 4, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterGreen

Are you familiar with Count Arthur Strong? He pronounces it sussposably and now I can't hear anyone say "supposedly" without wanting to echo "SUSSPOSABLY" really loudly over whatever they're saying.

So I guess what I am saying is I am with you on this?

April 4, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterKate Vinée

Happy Easter, Alice!

April 5, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

I missed you too! Go for Bradley!

April 5, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterMJ

Hooray! There you are! Go for Bradley!

April 5, 2015 | Unregistered Commenterjoaaanna

Your space in my heart will always be there. GO BRADLEY.

April 6, 2015 | Unregistered Commenteralexandra rosas

I'm in Paris, as you know. I hate most everybody, as you also know from reading my tiresome Facebook updates ici a Paris. ANYWAY, I hate the phone here because I have to get past the bonjours and comment vas-tus and all manner of chit chat that makes me want to die. I mean kill them. So I email when I can and never say BONJOUR or any other wasteful comment because seriously, France, 2015. Stop with the formalities. What's interesting is that some of the French respond to me as if they haven't noticed I've never even said Hello in the email. Or signed off with a lengthy bullshitty Hoping this finds you well Madame and STOP WITH THE FUCKING MADAMES ALREADY. But some of these people have converted to the American way of emailing (because of mine) and just reply: Ok or Tres bien or 17:00 heures ca marche pour moi. I'm ruining Paris one person at a time. xo

April 6, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterSuzy Soro

I always answer my cell and work phones, "This is Rita," in an attempt to skip past the whole "Is Rita there?" thing. I had a coworker once who just picked up the phone and said, "Yeah." That takes guts.

April 6, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterRita Arens

Make that three people.

April 6, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterRM

I just like knowing y'all are well.

GO FOR BRADLY!

April 6, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterEvilisa

I am going to really enjoy that thought when people say, "supposedly" from now on. I think I will also mentally correct people who say,"especially" as opposed to "ECKspecially".

April 6, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterLisaY

GO FOR BRADLEY!

April 7, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterKeryn

I am typically to blogging and i actually respect your content. The article has really peaks my interest. I’m going to bookmark your web site and keep checking for brand spanking new information. I have been checking out several of your stories and i ought to say nice stuff. Thank you a lot http://wullus.blogspot.com/2015/03/cadillac-hd-wallpapers.html

April 7, 2015 | Unregistered Commenterwulandari lusiana

I miss you too!

April 8, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterMarymc

Yes!! More, please! Missed you.

April 9, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterR

I like "Go for Bradley" so much. I might adopt the idea myself. My last name is Love so GO FOR LOVE! Yes, yes, that will do nicely.

April 10, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterMichele

i thought "ah, finslippy is back!" "who? what? bradley? a! she is pitching her young adult novel, it is ready, it is called 'go for bradley'. is the bradley in the story running for class president? i hope not" and then i saw the url name "right, finslippy's name is ..ah" which is how you know i've been reading your blog for way too long, madame fhinstlippy

April 10, 2015 | Unregistered Commenteralex

So nice to see you're back! You've been missed. :-)

April 11, 2015 | Unregistered Commenterdarlene

It's about damned time. Now, write again. Sorry to be so pushy, but Here Be Hippogriffs made me so happy with her New Year's resolution that I was hoping for it to spread to my few other favorite bloggers. I have sincerely missed you.

April 11, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterFlippyO

I am thrilled you've returned!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Look at the many exclamation marks!) I even googled you to make sure you were alive and, lo and behold, I discovered your Twitter feed, though that is not much use to me because 1. I am not on Twitter and 2. I love the Alice Bradley of paragraphs and stories and emotions and relate-ability!

(But I was still relieved to find your Twitter as proof that you are alive.)

In all seriousness, you are my favorite blogger. I only read your blog and Julia Sweeney's blog. How does it feel to edge out an SNL alum? xoxo

April 12, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterLisa W

So happy to see you are back. At work, I usually answer with, "This is Mrs. Addison." Go for Bradley!

April 15, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

So pleased that the House of Sanity remains open.

A law partner answered his phone with MCQUEEN, in a Xhosa-like clickbark. I'm fairly certain that potential criminal defense clients reacted by confessing. One way to determine how well they might survive cross-examination, I guess.

April 22, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterJMartin

I have nothing clever or witty to add, tragically, but this post made me laugh loud enough to wake my cat up from her nap and glare at me. She may feel otherwise, but I'm so glad you're writing here again!

May 9, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterSara

Hi Alice, I've been away, and am getting caught up on your posts today. I've taken to answering the phone, "this is Anne" so that I can instantly judge anyone who says, "may I speak to Anne?"

September 30, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

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