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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« My last few posts for Babble | Main | An absolutely nonsensical post about eyeballs »
Wednesday
Apr042012

Another imaginary conversation with the still-overweight and increasingly resentful cat

Me: IZZY.


Izzy: What?


big boned

Izzy: Muscle weighs more than fat.
 

Me: Oh no you don't.

Izzy: That is science. SCIENCE!

Me: And is not applicable in your case.

Izzy: Appliwhat? I don't get your fancy words MS FANCY WORDS

Me: We need to talk about your attacks on the dog.

Izzy: Those are not your business.

Me: Au contraire, my oversized fluff ball.

Izzy: NOW WITH THE FRENCH TALK SHE SPEAKS

Me: Have you noticed that Charlie doesn't feed you? He cannot. No thumbs. So don't take it out on him when you want to fill your giant cat-maw.

Charlie [scurrying in]: Hey! I noticed! I mean I heard! Hi guys! About the killing me thing! Please! I mean never mind okay what I'm going now-- [scurries out]

Izzy:Yeah, that's right, dog. You go. Run. I'll get you later.

Me: No you will NOT.

Izzy: Look, Bradley. I know I'm just a humorous joke character to you. Because I happen to be a little large!

Me: Did you know your breathing sometimes wakes us up at night?

Izzy: Everyone has to be SUPERMODEL SKINNY IN YOUR WORLD.

Me: I know I've mentioned this before but you still can't clean your own butt.

Izzy: Here's the deal, human. You and the Beard love Charlie more. I get it. I get it.

Me: It's apples and oranges, really. Loving faithful floppy-eared apples and mouth-breathing smelly vengeful oranges.

Izzy: And if you're going to take away what I love--say, a neverending pile of wet delicious--then I'm going to go for what you love. Get it, toots?

Me: Izzy, I hate to say this, but: bad girl.  BAD GIRL, Izzy.

Izzy: Whatevs. Hey, I'll settle down on your chest and you'll love it.

Me: Ow?

Izzy: HACK WHEEZE purrrrrrr. By the way, I could go for a few of those Pounce treats. The moist kind. None of that dusty diet garbage.

Charlie [scurrying in]: I can help! I can do something look how useful! Please don't look at me yellow devil eyes! Nevermind thing in other room have to do--[scurries out]

Izzy: purrrrrrrrrr.

 

Reader Comments (28)

I admit it. I find Izzy a far, far more compelling character than Charlie. I mean, the butt thing? I find that unpleasant, but being on the internet, I don't have to smell anything.

And Izzy is a very sleek and attractive fat cat. No cellulite.

April 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Ah, the beguiling mysteries of the cat psyche.

Poor Charlie doesn't stand a chance.

April 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFloyd

You are not only hilarious, but you also KNOW what cats are thinking. I love cats. And dogs. And you. Thanks for the chuckle, Alice.

April 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

I love these posts. Also I think Izzy is looking thinner, no?

April 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDavida

I think Izzy is channelling my late, not-really-all-that-lamented Ophelia, who looked like a photo negative of the picture up above! Except that Ophelia was hostile and would bite people. Yeah, she was one of those cats with the BIG ORANGE STICKER on her vet chart.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJadzia@Toddlerisms

I LOVE your Izzy posts (cat humor book, short & sweet w/ photos & illustrations? Out by holiday season to rake in the $$?)

I have known (and love) cats like that. Thankfully, not my current kitty - a cat so sweet and docile and fond of affection she lets my autistic kid squeeze & kiss her and carry her around the apartment all day by her armpits, because at least he pays her attention. Never scratched or bitten him even once in 9 years.

Very lucky & knowing it.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVarda (SquashedMom)

You should have brought up Izzy's dandruff. Hit her where it hurts!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKG

This is pure awesome :) Thank you!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteramy

OMG - that was FUNNY!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

"mouth-breathing smelly vengeful oranges." I have one of those!!! !We call her Fatty McFatterson/ a.k.a Fang Sally. Her demeanor (and body)is akin to a rabid, woke-in-January, dog and kid and people hating, groundhog. By the way, I can't tell you how much I look forward to your posts, especially the posts starring Izzy. I laugh, I cry, and then I laugh a lot more. Thank you!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMaggie

Funny! I love reading made-up animal conversations. Next time, you must tell us what imagined voice she would use.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRCM

Oh boy. I have made up animal conversations going on at my house, too. Did you do the Me: ow? thing on purpose, or did it freudianly slip onto your post as a hilarious part of your dialogue?

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCraftwhack

Oh my word, Craftwhack, that was totally unintentional. I am cleverer than I even KNEW.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteralice

We need to invent some kind of armadillo-type armor suit thingy for Charlie to wear so he can roll into an impervious ball whenever Izzy stalks him.

Also, my black dog is overweight and hasn't been able to clean her hoo-hoo in years. It's something we just try not to think about.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterWombat Central

What makes me laugh so much about these Izzy posts is I feel like I have seen her transformation, because I remember when you first got her and she was this tiny little nimble kitten. And now..well now she is Izzy.

April 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

I am worried about Charlie's safety and that Izzy is going to grow up with poor body image. I may need a moist Pounce snack to soothe my nerves.

April 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMarinka

I have a girl crush on Izzy. I'd give her Pounce treats. But I wouldn't clean her butt.

April 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMissusB

I have a fat cat who ended up with diabetes, so you tell Izzy to take care of herself or she'll be getting shots for the rest of her life, and who wants that?
Also, my SIL has a black cat named Itzy that looks just like your Izzy. He has quite the same personality I think. Must be a black cat thing.

April 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRoberta

this is her best photo yet. far better than the last one.

April 7, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterlori

ha,ha. That was funny! You know what Alice, sorry, but Izzy is kinda scary, really. I mean, look at her color.

That cracked me up!!

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie@Geezees

that is one fat kitty! still cute though :)

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterchris

Ahhhh, cats get a bad rap! Poor fat animals. My parents have a dog that can barely walk up the stairs anymore.

April 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJoquena

I LOVE this!!! Your conversations with your cat, sound just like the ones I have with mine. Mine are usually a bit shorter though and end with me saying, "Eh. Just go away." Very funny Alice. :)

April 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTiAn

Hahah!! I'm pretty sure you have my cat's twin.

April 16, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMartina

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