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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« My last few posts for Babble | Main | An absolutely nonsensical post about eyeballs »
Wednesday
Apr042012

Another imaginary conversation with the still-overweight and increasingly resentful cat

Me: IZZY.


Izzy: What?


big boned

Izzy: Muscle weighs more than fat.
 

Me: Oh no you don't.

Izzy: That is science. SCIENCE!

Me: And is not applicable in your case.

Izzy: Appliwhat? I don't get your fancy words MS FANCY WORDS

Me: We need to talk about your attacks on the dog.

Izzy: Those are not your business.

Me: Au contraire, my oversized fluff ball.

Izzy: NOW WITH THE FRENCH TALK SHE SPEAKS

Me: Have you noticed that Charlie doesn't feed you? He cannot. No thumbs. So don't take it out on him when you want to fill your giant cat-maw.

Charlie [scurrying in]: Hey! I noticed! I mean I heard! Hi guys! About the killing me thing! Please! I mean never mind okay what I'm going now-- [scurries out]

Izzy:Yeah, that's right, dog. You go. Run. I'll get you later.

Me: No you will NOT.

Izzy: Look, Bradley. I know I'm just a humorous joke character to you. Because I happen to be a little large!

Me: Did you know your breathing sometimes wakes us up at night?

Izzy: Everyone has to be SUPERMODEL SKINNY IN YOUR WORLD.

Me: I know I've mentioned this before but you still can't clean your own butt.

Izzy: Here's the deal, human. You and the Beard love Charlie more. I get it. I get it.

Me: It's apples and oranges, really. Loving faithful floppy-eared apples and mouth-breathing smelly vengeful oranges.

Izzy: And if you're going to take away what I love--say, a neverending pile of wet delicious--then I'm going to go for what you love. Get it, toots?

Me: Izzy, I hate to say this, but: bad girl.  BAD GIRL, Izzy.

Izzy: Whatevs. Hey, I'll settle down on your chest and you'll love it.

Me: Ow?

Izzy: HACK WHEEZE purrrrrrr. By the way, I could go for a few of those Pounce treats. The moist kind. None of that dusty diet garbage.

Charlie [scurrying in]: I can help! I can do something look how useful! Please don't look at me yellow devil eyes! Nevermind thing in other room have to do--[scurries out]

Izzy: purrrrrrrrrr.

 

Reader Comments (28)

Wow that is one FAT cat.

April 16, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterchristine

Don't let Izzy see this or she'll be telling you how thin she is:
http://www.petside.com/article/new-mexico-fat-cat-weighs-whopping-40-pounds

April 26, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

LOL. Been laughing so hard on this. I can imagine the whole scenario also because I have had lots of cats and I always understood their behavior. Would love to read more about your cat conversations. :)

April 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPinay WAHM Blogger

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