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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Ho ho hurrrgh | Main | Lo, there came upon the family two new members, and they were good »


After the publication of Let's Panic About Babies! in 2011, both our editor and agent left the publishing industry. "What's the point of continuing?" we assume they thought. "We have published the perfect book. Our work here is done."  And while worthy replacements stepped in right away, some details got lost in the transition. Like the fact that our book was being published in Germany.


Actually our editor had mentioned it as a possibility, shortly before she sailed off into the Great Unknown. Failing to hear any sort of follow-up, Eden and I naturally assumed the Germans were disgusted by our attempts to make light of the baby-making process (insert lengthy German word for "baby-making process."). But apparently it was a go, after all. Which we discovered when these books arrived at our respective doorsteps. Sent by the stork! Der Klapperstorch!


I'm glad to see that HUMOR at the end, there. I mean, what if the Germans took us seriously? And an entire nation believed that someone could mistake a horseshoe crab for their own child?


Here's the best part: according to Google Translate, the German title for our book is THEY ALWAYS COME OUT. I've been reminding Henry of this fact as we go about our day. "They always come out, Henry." "Yes, mom. I know." "Always."



THEY ALWAYS COME OUT is my favorite title ever. Is it too late to change the name of our book? Second edition, maybe?



(p.s.: there's no German equivalent for "Huggs," I guess. Also, that first bullet point is supposed to be "gently bearded," not "friendly beard." Who has a friendly beard? Ridiculous!)



(p.p.s.: "Funkle, funkle?" Really, German?)



(p.p.s: TAFT! WAR! FETT!)

Reader Comments (25)

I love this and you.

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

I rarely comment, but holy shit this was so funny I couldn't NOT comment. They Always Come Out, HA! Having taken six years of German, I can totally appreciate this version--German is an awesome language.

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbirdgal

Oh, Germans! They're such a fun-loving sort.

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRobin

I love this! "Funkle, funkle" is very evocative, don't you think? How can you not appreciate the language that bequeathed us "Ohrwurm" (earworm). Also: Dudelsack. (You DID write about bagpipes somewhere in your book, didn't you? The perfect book obviously had to contain a reference to bagpipes, I'm certain of it.)

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFawn

I will tell you who has a friendly beard: the least successful pirate ever, that's who.

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMary Ann

THEY ALWAYS COME OUT? Really is the best title EVER for a book about babies.

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKate @ Savour Fare

Santa has a friendly beard.

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAsha Dornfest

So hilarious. I'll be laughing about They Always Come Out for the rest of the month! My fourth grader takes German at his school. Would this be highly inappropriate to buy him for Christmas? Maybe I should get it for his German teacher? Thank you for this. The funny made my day.

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterholly c

This post made me laugh so hard I choked on my apple. I'm fine though. Don't fret.
Anyhoo... I wanted to thank you for a much needed case of the giggles. I will be speaking pretend German in my head for the rest of the day (Der Klapperstorch!) and thanking Alice Bradley.
They DO always come out, don't they? Clever German folk.

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterShannyb

Hilarious! The steaky, steaky, cakey, cakey looked funny to me, too...

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLori

Hey, I'm German! *waves*. I love this! I also think the title is brilliant. It's actually a riff on a popular saying "runter kommen sie immer" (they always come down), which used to be about pilots/airplanes but is used wherever it fits. Which is surprisingly often. Kids climbing in trees? Runter kommen sie immer. Cat in christmas tree? Runter kommen sie immer. You get the picture.

The "Huggs"-thing is probably due to the fact that hug translates as "Umarmung". Try making a joke out of that. Maybe Dr. U. Marmung.

Wait, forget I wrote that. Even in German, Huggs is better.

Anyway. I notice that in the disclaimer on the title they changed "endure and possibly triumph" to just "triumph", turned "ruin your love life" into "endanger your love life" and left out the "liquify your brain and finally turn you into a worthwhile human being" bit entirely. Way to sugarcoat it, marketing people! And good choice on the pink… Great title, though.

So, are we in for a book tour?

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJudith

A riff! It's a riff! I love that.

I *wish* we were doing a German tour. Maybe if there was enough public outcry. get to work, Judith!

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteralice

HAAAAAA!!!!! They always come out. This is true.

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjoaaanna

I'm with 'birdgal' - rarely comment, but this was SO FUNNY I couldn't NOT comment.

December 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLIB


... translation:


December 7, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterdianne

"Ist das dein Baby?" = hilarious. I'm pretty sure it's a sentence we learned in 9th grade German.

December 7, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

Nein, das ist kein Baby. Das ist ein Pfeilschwanzkrebses.

December 7, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteralice

love this!!!!!!

December 7, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteramy turn sharp

I cannot wait to say, "they always come out" to my friend who is 1 week from her due date.

Because that is the kind of joke pregnant women LOVE.

December 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

My German slipped away a long time ago. But I have the feeling that "Ist das dein Baby" is going to be ringing in my head for quite some time.

Wo ist dein Baby? Wow! It's coming back. Maybe?

December 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterozma

THis is exciting and right in line with the life of Alice Bradley.

Very cool.

December 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteralexandra

I read this the day you posted it and I'm still shouting "Taft!" in my head occasionally.

December 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

Brilliant - even in German! Love this!

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJill V / TerraSavvy

As a German-American this pretty much made my morning. Now I'm walking around with " Der Taft war ein Fettsack..." Thanks! Also, I know "funkle" looks like funk (rhyme with punk) but it's more of a "foonkle". Just for your information. Oh, Germans.

Congrats! I have a go-to baby gift for all my German cousins now!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMargaret

babies baby :):)

November 1, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKadinsal

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