Back to school
September 12, 2011What! Hello! Where?
So much has happened, since last we spoke. My cat lost fifteen more pounds! But then she gained sixteen back. I think the loss was water weight. Okay, but really, school began! Oh, school! How I've missed you. How my child did not at all miss you.
I have to say, I was never a huge fan of school, but I always greeted the new year with excitement. Every time fall came around, I knew in my heart that everything would be different. I fooled mysef from 1976 straight through to 1987. I had finally figured what clothes looked cool! I would crack up the entire class with the hilarious and cutting-edge Eddie Murphy routines I learned at summer camp! Oh, ho! Within weeks I was forced to my senses, when it turned out that I had gotten the clothes completely wrong and no one was impressed with my boy's Lee jeans, nor did my funny bits win over any of the popular kids, all of whom had their own inside jokes which they had developed together over their fun-filled private-beach summers, while I sat inside playing Intellivision and watching reruns of the Odd Couple.
My child has no enthusiasm for school, not even the short-lived kind. He thinks it is a bucket of nonsense, and is not shy about telling me or anyone else who will listen. And yet! And yet he appears, at least, to maneuver expertly through the day, collecting all kinds of peers who want desperately to be his friend, winning over the hearts and minds of all of his teachers, and clearly acing every subject. At school pickup he waves goodbye to his adoring classmates with a smile, and then he turns to me and announces that once again he has been subjected to another terrible, soul-crushing day.
His teachers assure me every year that he participates enthusiastically (when I tell him this, he insists that he's "only being polite") and I don't doubt that he's worn out at the end of the day and that can account for the low mood. Plus school just began last Thursday, and I fully expected the transition to be rocky. But still, I have to admit, I heard great things about his new teacher, and I did expect him to come home after the first couple of days with at least some kind of grudging acceptance. But no. And the attitude does get to me. I fret! When your child says things like "I hate learning" and "school is for idiots," one grows concerned that this attitude might blossom and flourish and over the adolescent years, when the challenges become more complicated and the pressures start mounting, said child might simply give up and turn to a life of crime. Yes, I go right from "my child is not enthusiastic about third grade" to "my child will be a career criminal because I have failed him." And I wonder why I can't sleep at night.
Also, how lame is it to counter "I hate learning" with "but learning is so much fun!" This is the kind of chirpy response I will myself not to say but then I say anyway. I worry if he rolls his eyes any harder he's going to damage his eyeballs. I don't need eyeball damage added to my litany of concerns. Plus if he's got these eyes that just roll uncontrollably around in his head, he's going to easily be picked out of any lineup, and that's a risk I don't want to take.
What do you think? Is this a phase? Should I continue to ignore it? And yes, this is me asking for advice, and yes, I am bracing myself. Aaaaand go.
Reader Comments (63)
Attention other posters: I am going to be checking the comments regularly and treating this as a drinking game. So the things that would ordinarily have me rolling my eyes will instead have me gazing mournfully into the bottom of the cocktail shaker.
What? I am too old for straight shots.
Anyway, the oldest child was mostly fine in third grade. The middle child announced at his physical that he was planning to get expelled from his current school and every other school we sent him to. Also, my middle child has started therapy.
Was that helpful? Can I send some diuretics for your cat?
I'm chuckling to myself because this description smacks of my brother so much! He's been a lifelong curmudgeon. His childhood quote that's brought up the most? "This is why I hate the beach!" And yet today at age 26, he has a wonderful huge circle of friends, makes twice as much money as me, and loves to seek out adventure, world travel, and culture. He's just a grumpy old man. I figure it's practice for when he's 80.
I'm an elementary school teacher, and I can't tell you how bummed I was when my oldest (now in 4th grade) would say these things. But the truth is, it's his temperament, because he's me. His teachers all say glowing things, but he comes home to tell me how they "did nothing" and it was "no fun". Instead of trying to convince him of the merits, I decided to appeal to his logical side. He now buys in to my response that sometimes you have to do things you don't like to do--period. Oh, and the part I told him about the fact that if he didn't go to school he would have no friends and be as dumb as a post? Totally convincing, and not at all damaging.
I'm really concerned about this too. I am six months pregnant and I hope that this kid likes school better than I did. I hated every second of school years 1-12. HATED! Middle school for me was not unlike the HBO series Oz. I hope I can set all of that aside and be positive for him when he starts school. His father didn't like school either. We both, however, loved college. The freedom, the ability to pick professors who weren't jerks. Twas a wondrous time.
Could part of it be the CHARMING habit that kids often develop where they refuse to tell their parents that anything the parents want them to be doing is at all "fun" or "interesting" or "not torture"?
I'm also leaning with the commenter above who said to appeal to his logical side, that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Like work! Well, writing is your work and you love writing, but I would think there is some part of it that is tedious that you can use as an example of "hey, sometimes you just gotta suck it up"? Editing maybe?
Oh your child sounds like mine...we've had truly amazing teachers and my son has mostly hated school...cried for three weeks straight in kindergarten, sat by the door the first two weeks of 1st grade, but while he never said he liked school, it would get better. And the teachers kept insisting he enjoyed himself at school. always the first to raise his hand, helped others when he finished his work and loved by most. In 2nd the teacher actually told us she would "catch him smiling" and send us an email each time. Admittedly, the majority of times she caught him smiling was when he got to correct her :)
3rd grade was the best teacher of all, and she actually recommended a different school - one sadly far away and way out our reach financially, but it did help him to have acknowledgement that he was doing work too easy for him, and someone to let him do other projects.
I will say in 4th grade I finally got an "ok" when asked how school was. It's really a huge improvement from sleepless nights with him dreading school, but then seeming to do great while there. My advice, don't ignore it, but don't get too stressed, if that helps at all. Keep talking and have him think about what he does and does not enjoy. I suspect if my son rebelled a little school would be better...he obsessively does his homework out of fear he'll get sent to the office, even though I explain the kids getting sent to the office are ones who've missed homework multiple times. So I give him full freedom to skip homework, and keep asking all the time to find one area he does enjoy. I hear it "get's worse" as they get older - even PE has no more games - but I also think they develop coping skills. Good luck and know you are not alone.
FYI, my other son loves school, and I suspect will just always be a happier guy, so I know it's not me, but as a mom we just can't help wanting to make our child happy.
Does he like the social part? If he likes it, then keep him in, and just make sure he knows your expectations for his grades in high school, when they will matter. If he hates the social part too, I think you will have to make a change in schools, or home school him. I had a bored son, now starting his senior year at Princeton. For me, focusing on keeping the option open for college like that mattered, and I made that clear. College came just in time.
Does college matter to you? That's the only place the grades matter. And as for the it's boring bit? So is a lot of life:).
I grew up under the sternest of socialism regimes. I also hated 3rd grade for different, albeit similar reasons. Individual stupidity augmented by institutuinal one. It's hard, man.
And I am here to testify, under oath, that 3rd grade sucks. It sucks universally - across continents and social orders. "Give Henry a Break" is the new slogan in Ukraine.
Viva La =something, comrade.
My son comes home every day from FIRST grade telling me how boring school was and how he hates it. But every morning, he runs into class without even a backwards glance, so I try not to let it bother me too much. I wonder if it's a boy thing? As for me I L O V E D school, so that he doesn't makes me a bit sad.
I have to agree with some of the above and emphasize that 1. He's probably bored out of his mind and needs harder work and 2. he may partly be repeating what almost all kids say, which is "school sucks" and 3. ask him what specifically he hates about it, drill down --lunch? sitting in one spot for hours on end? his teacher's color pen? making him tell you exactly is good mental exercise and also helps you understand if there is a way to improve his experience. people say their job sucks all the time. why you ask? well, some say the commute, some say their boss, some the pay--what's the problem and change it. if you can't change it, then it's time to say son, suck it up.
I am 28 years old. Do you know how many things I remember from when I was 8? Exactly two. Number one, my third grade teacher's name was Mr. Macuga. Number two, that Christmas I got a puppy AND a 10 speed bike for Christmas which to this day, was basically the best day of my life. (I am a sad character).
Which is to say, let it go! Don't fret. He's showing up, he's making friends, he's a nice kid. He's doing great even if he's cranky about it. You're doing an awesome job. You can let this one slide.
I felt the same way about school. Up until the day I graduated from college, basically. I am not a criminal of any sort and have lots of friends so I guess it all turned out just fine.
I have one child who almost flunked out of 6th grade math last year and I just couldn't find the words to motivate him. So I admitted that, no he would never need to use this pointless math again. Just please don't flunk. Other than that I really didn't care. I felt bad saying that but it was very freeing.
Tell him he needs to get through school to go to work at Lego, where they have the coolest business cards in the world (Lego mini-figures designed to look like the bearer).
I'm on the side of logic here. I'm not a parent, but I have a brother who is ten years younger than I am and I've watched him navigate the transition from elementary school into middle school. He too hated school, but what my mom, sister, and I did was try to appeal to his reasoning. We just told it like it is, that yes, school sucks a lot of the time, but that it is worth it in the long run. We drilled it into him that it doesn't really matter if he likes school or not.. to think of it more like a contract. Working hard will get you the things in life you want to achieve. Do your time, so to speak, and in return doors will open for you. Is there something Henry says he wants to do when he grows up? Something he's really interested in? Let him know why the things he's learning will help him get there. My brother wants to play hockey in high school and college, and once he realized that he needs good grades to get into any of those schools, it became much easier for him to see the point of it all. I know I'm over-simplifying, but over the past few years I've definitely seen my brother's attitude toward school ease up. He still has his moments of outright hatred, but mostly he just trudges through his assignments, muttering under his breath, but getting it done. It's at least less embarrassing than the eye roll inducing "learning is fun" song and dance. Good luck, Alice and try not to project too far into Henry's uncertain (and therefore horrifying) future, you may sprain something. ;)
I am not alone!!!! My 3rd grader says that he hates school too! He said it all through 2nd grade as well and yet he sounds a lot like your son. On the walk home after the first day of 3rd grade I asked him how school was and he said "it was awesome!" I about fell over with excitement, but then he quickly said "no, no, no I meant awful!" But, I could see it in his demeanor. He really did have an awesome first day of 3rd grade because he talked about how he liked his teacher better than his teacher last year and his 2nd grade teacher was pretty cool to begin with. Then he said he was excited about learning cursive and playing the recorder. But, that was the last of that excitement. He's now carrying the "school is awful" banner. I really do think it's some kind of weird mantra that all the little boys have to say in order to feel accepted. If they admit that they like school that would be the end of their cool image.
I wonder how Slim is doing (dang, typed it three times as Slum). These aren't the answers I was expecting, necessarily, although I don't disagree.
I've got two older boys and while they didn't lovelovelove school in elementary school, they also didn't complain about it. They were in a magnet school and there were enough kids of all different interests to keep things interesting. Also, the teachers were kind enough to allow them to read books hidden in their desks when they knew they were going to be bored out of their mind with the lessons. It was good.
Then we had a third child and reform came to our district. Reform means a truly crappy curriculum, reform means teachers are NOT supposed to go off the plans, reform means that interesting little tidbits and lessons that teachers used to be able to throw in to keep kids interested will now get them written up.
School is, in fact, now bland and dumb and stupid.
My 4th grader is at a school with a "rogue" principal (in the good way, not the Palin way) who still understands that school needs to have art and music and that all kids really can't be served by one bland, over-full and under-interesting curriculum which could be renamed readingreadingreadingreadingmathmathsomeotherstuffifthere'sanytimeandthekidsaren'tdeadyet.
They do the best they can at his school to mix it up -- Yay for good test scores and small to no achievement gaps, unlike the rest of the district -- but it's clear that instead of the district trying to figure out the secret to their success and emulating them, they're merely tolerated.
So, it may just be that Henry has cottoned on to the ugly truth. But, there's a lot to be said for friends and pleasant socializing!
PS: My 9 yo boy is also part of the find the dark lining of every silver cloud club. Nothing (save maybe amusement parks and TV no matter how bad) is so pleasant that it can't be analyzed for the bad parts. Which are then linked to every other bad thing he's ever seen, heard or thought about in his years on this earth. Never mind that he's generally happy and pleasant, there's a need to complain about the horrrrrrror of every little thing.
Maybe your son is just bored out of his skull and he needs a little "somethin' somethin'" to get him interested. Does he seem like he's got the curriculum pretty much figured out? Does he get As easily? Can you find someway to make what he's learning relevant to him? I've got a gifted 4th grader who could really care less about school and a 2nd grader with some...learning difficulties who loves school. ironic, isn't it?
Animate normalcy. If there is no problem, there is no problem. And wait for him to come around. That's been my tack.
I can tell my 9 year old is hankering for ways to differentiate herself from me--to assert her own personhood, and I certainly don't want her to stake out that personhood on a permanent dislike of school. So I avoid chirpy responses about how learning is fun because I fear she'll sniff out my dire hope and align herself against it. And sometimes also act like I can't hear her. Whaaa? Something sucks?
I am changing my online moniker to Slum. [hic]
As a few others said I also hated school. Every year, just hated it. The rules, the boredom. I think more of a challenge and freedom would have been better. But still, I went to college, graduate school and on to a life in academics. Now I am paid to think and learning is part of my everyday. Find other ways to engage him and sympathize. It's school that's the problem not learning.
My child hate school. She also has friends. I would not say she aces every subject. One unfortunate side effect of her hatred for school is a refusal to put in effort (only sometimes, but a little too often).
But I see exactly what you see--this vibrant kid, having an amazing time and then coming home and talking about the hell she's just been through.
This has elicited a similar reaction to the one you've described. But maybe I even go further into thinking we live in a hierarchical society and I know EXACTLY (or think I do) how to achieve in that hierarchy, which is to get really good grades and get into a great college and bla bla bla.
I never fear her not getting into a great college if she's really psyched about being a hairstylist. I only fear that she'll wake up when she's' 40 and the she'll realize she actually was incredibly smart and could have done all these things with her life if not for...and she's a wage slave and she could have done so much more.
And then she'll blame me.
In addition, the apocalypse will be occurring right around that time--and who will they save? ONLY THE DOCTORS. Except there will be a fully stocked bomb shelter right under Harvard where only Harvard alumni will be allowed, to live for 100 years and propagate their seed.
Thus, I shall have no descendants.
Occasionally I remember a few things like: I was so obsessed with excelling in school my entire life and I did and I was basically IN school until my early '30s and then I got a PhD and now I'm kind of broke and I often wonder whether I'm a bit of a loser. Unfortunately, I had to get that PhD because I loved school so much it was like crack to me. This is really true. Anyway, that shit can backfire.
And then I remember that I also hated school. I did love to learn but I hated school, especially 1st, 2nd and 3rd grade. Also 5th, 6th, and 8th grade.
My daughter has dropped little hints now and again that my wanting her to do well has made her not want to do well and can she help it if I drive her to rebel? I honestly am curious if my interest and concern is not having a bad effect on her. I'm backing off big time and we'll see how it goes.
Please God let it be a phase.
Appreciate the post and all of the comments. My 5 year old boy just started Kindergarten and is already telling me how much he hates it. I immediately project that he will never like school and I'll end up home schooling him. Which makes me want to cry. Has Henry always been this way? How do we give them coping mechanisms to deal with the boredom?
How to put this simply?
Henry sounds a lot like my own son (and his dad to be truthful). The thing is they (my guys and maybe yours too) put a lot of stock into their own opinions and don't give a sh!t what anyone else has to say on the subject. Any subject. And the part that keeps my worry quota low is that they are right more often than not and also pretty brilliant. IF Henry is anything like my strong willed fellas then he probably likes learning quite a lot but feels that a classroom full of idiots is the worst venue for such ventures.
To tell the truth, I now like your Henry even more!
I'll need to leave two separate "your comment is your post you are so a writer" comments here:
The first to say this: you have lost your mind.
Finally. You've snapped.
Asking for advice??
Oh, Alice..here they come. The woods is full of 'em.
I say leave the post up 24 hrs then take it down.
You're welcome.