Back to school
September 12, 2011What! Hello! Where?
So much has happened, since last we spoke. My cat lost fifteen more pounds! But then she gained sixteen back. I think the loss was water weight. Okay, but really, school began! Oh, school! How I've missed you. How my child did not at all miss you.
I have to say, I was never a huge fan of school, but I always greeted the new year with excitement. Every time fall came around, I knew in my heart that everything would be different. I fooled mysef from 1976 straight through to 1987. I had finally figured what clothes looked cool! I would crack up the entire class with the hilarious and cutting-edge Eddie Murphy routines I learned at summer camp! Oh, ho! Within weeks I was forced to my senses, when it turned out that I had gotten the clothes completely wrong and no one was impressed with my boy's Lee jeans, nor did my funny bits win over any of the popular kids, all of whom had their own inside jokes which they had developed together over their fun-filled private-beach summers, while I sat inside playing Intellivision and watching reruns of the Odd Couple.
My child has no enthusiasm for school, not even the short-lived kind. He thinks it is a bucket of nonsense, and is not shy about telling me or anyone else who will listen. And yet! And yet he appears, at least, to maneuver expertly through the day, collecting all kinds of peers who want desperately to be his friend, winning over the hearts and minds of all of his teachers, and clearly acing every subject. At school pickup he waves goodbye to his adoring classmates with a smile, and then he turns to me and announces that once again he has been subjected to another terrible, soul-crushing day.
His teachers assure me every year that he participates enthusiastically (when I tell him this, he insists that he's "only being polite") and I don't doubt that he's worn out at the end of the day and that can account for the low mood. Plus school just began last Thursday, and I fully expected the transition to be rocky. But still, I have to admit, I heard great things about his new teacher, and I did expect him to come home after the first couple of days with at least some kind of grudging acceptance. But no. And the attitude does get to me. I fret! When your child says things like "I hate learning" and "school is for idiots," one grows concerned that this attitude might blossom and flourish and over the adolescent years, when the challenges become more complicated and the pressures start mounting, said child might simply give up and turn to a life of crime. Yes, I go right from "my child is not enthusiastic about third grade" to "my child will be a career criminal because I have failed him." And I wonder why I can't sleep at night.
Also, how lame is it to counter "I hate learning" with "but learning is so much fun!" This is the kind of chirpy response I will myself not to say but then I say anyway. I worry if he rolls his eyes any harder he's going to damage his eyeballs. I don't need eyeball damage added to my litany of concerns. Plus if he's got these eyes that just roll uncontrollably around in his head, he's going to easily be picked out of any lineup, and that's a risk I don't want to take.
What do you think? Is this a phase? Should I continue to ignore it? And yes, this is me asking for advice, and yes, I am bracing myself. Aaaaand go.
Reader Comments (63)
Ok.
I have three boys.
My middle guy, 14, is just like this.
Was born like this.
Always has been like this.
Teacher's complained and complained.
Finally, I took him in for testing b/c every one air quotes every one felt something wasn't right.
Test results showed he is through the roof gifted.
THROUGH THE ROOF.
He is now in a school that offers advanced curriculum, teachers who like this kind of student, and kids that are like him.
This is why I'm thinking I'll homeschool my girls, at least for a large chunk of their school life. When I look back at school all I can see is that there is SO MUCH TIME WASTED. Time wasted waiting for everyone to catch up. Time wasted with assemblies, changing classes and with boring stuff I will never ever need to know.
School is just a holding pen most of the time. We need somewhere for children to go until they're grown up enough to join society.
So there you go. Not very helpful, I'm sure, but I'm not a real fan of institutional learning environments.
I don't blame him. School IS boring, especially now that funding/testing/etc. has sucked a lot of what was fun away. I remember thinking it was a colossal waste of time--we'll homeschol our kids (though we are very aware that is a luxury and not a workable solution for a lot of families, so I'm not telling anyone they should or shouldn't. It's just what we decided will work for us). But if it's not really the school and it's just his temperament to complain, then...eh. Commiserate and let it go. :)
Although I misspelled "school" in the comment above, so...perhaps we will *not* homeschool. #braintrust
Oh thank you for this post! I have the third grade girl twin to him! She is outgoing, charming. smart has tons of friends.... yet ask her about anything camp, school, swimming, my cooking, her clothes whatever she hates it all. It does wear me down and worry me a little bc my husband suffers from depression and I hope she doesn't go down that road. So far my rule is if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything. Looking forward to reading the comments
I suspect your son is bored. My son hated school at that age, because it wasn't challenging, and now he's planning on getting his doctorate in history (aside: he is only 16. These are FUTURE plans. But my point is that he's planning in staying in school forever now). We told him at the time, "It will get better. Wait till you're in high school or college."
We didn't tell him learning was fun cuz it wasn't fun for him. Also, and this was easier for us than it will be for you because we were living in Africa at the time, we took him outside and showed him some men dressed in what we would call rags (their normal clothes), digging a ditch on a 115-degree day. "If you don't go to school, this is the kind of job you can get," we told him. I think it scared him a little. He still complained sometimes but we got through it and now he takes hard classes and seems to be fine.
I have a son in fifth grade. He's not quite as negative as Henry seems to be about school, but I remember a distinct shift in his attitude around third grade. I think there's some unwritten boy code that says you have to at least pretend to the adults that you don't like school. I have a daughter in eighth grade, and she was not negative about school until the middle school years (understandably so). I tend to ignore both of my kids' complaints unless they are something that does need my intervention---like a teacher who behaves inappropriately. But "school is stupid" or "I hate my math teacher because we always have homework"? My response is usually along the lines of "Suck it up, kid. School is necessary."
You might want to dig a little deeper and find out if Henry is truly bored. If so, he probably needs to be challenged more. If not, don't worry too much. He sounds like a pretty happy kid.
Maybe I can offer some hope? My son hated school until 4th grade. Then he sort of tolerated it for a year. He just started 5th grade and BAM! School is the greatest thing that ever happened to him and he is so very happy. He still has his little complaints and whines, but life is no longer a vale of tears.
Third grade was the WORST. It was awful. It was a year of therapy and sleepless nights and marital drama caused by school stress and calls home from school and just everything rolled up into a giant ball of misery.
Then in 4th grade, something clicked. I think that part of it was the teacher. I think a LOT of it was the subject matter. There seems to be a giant leap from fact-based learning to analysis and critical thinking in 4th grade. And that is just so much more interesting and engaging for some kids.
Maybe ask your son about the most interesting thing that happened that day? Maybe you'll get a clue about what's really engaging to him.
Your son and my son would get along famously.
I have to agree that "school is for idiots" sure sounds like "I am done with the work in 5 minutes while the rest of these idiots keep working for the rest of the period, WTF?!?!?" He better be careful with that. I learned early on when you start bragging/complaining about how easy stuff is they give you harder stuff!!!!!!
I also hear that from my 9 year old son that school is stupid and boring. Then I get a note from his teachers (1 week into school) that we need to meet to discuss his behaviour. Lovely.
Yes, it appears that my son is "THAT KID." The one you would think was raised by wolves instead of the mom who tries so damn hard.
So I think Henry is fine.
Here's how I handle when my kids tell me how "today was the worst day of my life" or "I don't wanna go to school!" I say, "Gosh, I'm so sorry, but that's your job. Your job as a child is to learn as much as you can and go to school every day and do your best. Do you wanna talk about why you hate(d) it so much?" It rips me not to offer solutions, but I swear 99.9% of it is just pure venting. Let them vent and complain, but try not to act like it is a big deal. Tra la la, school is your job! I also try my hardest not to complain about MY job in front of the kids.
Here's the thing: He's right. School *is* dumb. That's right, I said it. And I'm gonna say more. I was a teacher. I know what's going on in there.
A) It's not the teachers' fault - at least not much of it. There's too much demand, too many kids, too many levels and learning styles... which results in
B) It's really watered down, silly, and dumb for most kids. The work is inane. Why am I building a mobile to prove I read Moby Dick (and understood it)? Please. Someone explain this to me.
C) Teacher education programs are woeful. They are easy, dumbed down, take all bottom feeders, and produce idiots. I have seen so many teachers in grade schools that can't properly punctuate a sentence or use an apostrophe, it's sickening. The high school teachers (and I worked with these people, so I know it's true - in PRIVATE HOITY TOITY SCHOOL no less) say things like "Why should they read TS Eliot? I don't get it." And then they assign a book report over The Lovely Bones with a poster as the product. And again, that's not all their fault. They don't have time to grade anything but a stupid poster.
And then there's D) The other kids. The assholes, the bullies, the entitled brats, the sniveling wimps, and the busy-bodies. It's enough to make you hurl.
And don't forget E) The stupid parents, who have made their kids so helpless they don't bring pencils to class. The nice kids have to sit through 20 minutes of "Miss So and So, can I have a piece of paper" and "Miss So and So when is the test" (for the 900th time).
I don't blame Henry.
Nonetheless, he's gotta do it, and it's better than the alternative, I think. So just tell him "I know, I hate that too. Now go to school. Goodbye. When you come home, show me that you learned long division."
Also, tell him that the only acceptable majors in college are MD, Architect, or Engineer, so he better get cracking.
Henry = me my entire life! Yeah!
My parents didn't know what to do with me... I'd say exactly the same thing, but then make tons of friends, my teachers loved me, I was always one of the best students. I knew I had to do it, and I hated doing poorly, so I did up the whole thing. But grudgingly.
However. I think you're right that you're catching him at the end of a long day. He also wants you to KNOW how much he doesn't like it, so he's probably hamming it up a bit. I guarantee there are parts of school he's enjoying -- even if he doesn't realize it. If that makes sense.
This is all to say: I'd let it go as best you can. When he complains, I'd listen and nod and maybe even come up with your own commiserating stories. My parents did this and it actually worked. Like: 'We've all gotta do school, that's just life. It seems like you're grown up enough to understand there's a lot of red tape and have-to-do's and that's not always fun." Or something. It made me feel like I didn't have to work so hard to have them GET my frustrations. And then I felt like they were patting me on the back for going anyways. "Thanks for hating it, but doing well!" Once I felt heard, I relaxed a lot.
And then they created a lot of at-home "learning" things which I'm sure was to mostly quell their worries that I "hated to learn" ... Because after all, there is a difference between school/mandated learning, and natural learning and I'm SURE Henry is excelling/enjoying that without even realizing it. (And I wouldn't point it out!)
He's gonna be more-than-fine. A strong 'tude will get you far in life :)
since you asked - i think as long as henry gets along with people and you're not getting phone calls from the school about his grades or behavior, he's fine. his not giving a shit may be a blessing - no worries, no anxiety and he lands on his feet forever.
ps - your anticipation about each school year being better was mine, too. autumn of '74 (kindergarten) thru june of '87. i hated school.
My very bright grandaughter announced in third grade that she hated to learn. She loved her teacher, had friends and went to school willingly but wasn't a big fan. With a little prodding It turned out that she hated having to sit and be taught. Even now, in middle school, her favorite subjects are Home Ec, Tech and Science. The problem may not be Henry. It is more likely to be the "teach for the test and all kids learn the same way" mentality that pervades our schools. Just acknowledge his feelings and remind him that he has to go, then give him as many exciting things to learn outside of school
He sounds smart and bored. Maybe he should be in a more advanced school or skip a grade or two. I politely endured school at his age and it felt and feels like a giant waste of time. If he's not getting anything out of it, put him somewhere where he'll be challenged. I wish my parents had.
Maybe I am crazy- my daughter is only 3 and I am training to be a teacher at a very progressive graduate program- but! Smart kids are often bored. Bored can become "I hate" because it's not interesting. It's not ideal, but it's not a gateway to a life of crime.
His impulse to (gracefully) excel even in the face of boredom (if that's what it is) is an instinct that will serve him well in life. But might be good to look around for enrichment programs that would interest him.
I'm not talking about Kumon math drills- but how about creative writing? Does his school have a math club or chess club? What subject does he like/is he good at? The Superhero Store in Brooklyn has a great after-school writing program bejhind the shopfront, as I understand it. Clifton Corner also has some offerings. It's Brooklyn- there are bound to be groups for really smart kids out there. I'd be interested to see what you find.
"...nor did my funny bits win over any of the popular kids..."
I'm sorry. Did you try shaving funny cartoons into your funny bits first? That helped me a lot.
i have no advice, because this is my son and this is my life.
Only, my son IS on his way to a lineup because he ACTUALLY told me that he'd LOVE to go to jail one day and then even went on to say that he'd hide a weapon (yes, he had ideas on where...oh dear) so that he could get back out.
He's six.
There, now don't you feel better?
I may not have advice, but I do have bigger issues. ;-)
You made me laugh! That is exactly what is happening with my seven year old DAUGHTER, so no, I don't think it's a boy's thing only. She's so funny. How was school? Boring. Last week: Are you excited? No! I want to be home schooled. To which I have to respond honestly and tell her, you would never listen to me and never learn a thing. (Sorry I'm not quoting properly.)
I am so glad you posted this and let me breathe easier, I'm not alone.
I scrolled quickly through before posting this reading suggestion:
"Boys Adrift" by Dr. Leonard Sax.
He brings up some very interesting points regarding boys/learning/everything...... I think this is a must read! I have two girls -- and although girls have their own gender issues -- I read this book so I would know what to "do" with my boy. Great great book. Highly recommend!
Hi Alice! Unfortunately I do not have parental experience as I am still just a graduate student myself. However, coming from a background of disliking school and having countless peers who also disliked school, I can assure you that disliking school does not necessarily mean disliking learning (even if Henry did say "I hate learning"). It is possible that he doesn't enjoy the school environment, but enjoys learning at his own pace, and about the topics he is specifically interested in. Many of my college peers and I disliked our elementary/secondary school environments because they were filled with people who didn't take learning seriously, and were obsessed with the social aspect rather than the educational aspect of school (you guessed it, I was never one of the popular kids, but neither did I care. At least that's what I tell myself now :P). On the other hand, my one happiest memory from high school was discussing beta functions and calculator processor performance with a friend. This happened only once in my entire 12 years of public schooling.
I am positive that Henry will either find classmates he really enjoys spending time with, or fall in love with a subject in school, or find a club/sport he can't wait to go to every day. And if not, rest easy because he'll turn out just fine, and will probably end up doing a lot of self-learning, which is the best kind of learning. I know one very special antisocial/frustrated/impatient secondary schooler who thought all his classmates were idiots and played video/computer games/the piano all day instead of making friends, but who grew up to be a very kind, understanding young man who hopes to contribute to the world via scientific research. Don't worry! Breathe. Your son will turn out okay, if not more than that.
Also, your blog is hilarious!
Like everyone else here, I can only speak to my own experiences.
My son is another one of the "nothing is ever good (enough)" variety. I am a compulsive problem solver AND I tend to catastrophize. This is not a good combination. I like you, chimed right in with "no, no, learning is fun" statements.
This had the net result of a) taking his venting - which could have been, for him, somewhat cathartic - much too seriously, b) invalidating his feelings and observations by essentially telling him he was wrong, and c) making him feel he had to repeat himself to be heard, thus entrenching his position beyond his initial commitment.
What I learned to do... and in my case, thank goodness, it worked:
Listen. Support his feelings that right or wrong, this IS his experience. Empathise, if possible. But honestly, don't take it too seriously unless he starts to exhibit real academic or social problems. (If this latter point happens, it's a whole different can of worms and you need to explore the underlying reasons - boredom, being bullied, undiagnosed learning challenge, etc.).
Cheers!
Have you thought about putting him in an alternative type of school? Maybe Montessori or something? Sounds like he's bored to me. Let's be real, public schools are far from perfect and lots of them probably are boring!
But what the heck do I know, I'm not a parent and I loved school.