Back to school
September 12, 2011What! Hello! Where?
So much has happened, since last we spoke. My cat lost fifteen more pounds! But then she gained sixteen back. I think the loss was water weight. Okay, but really, school began! Oh, school! How I've missed you. How my child did not at all miss you.
I have to say, I was never a huge fan of school, but I always greeted the new year with excitement. Every time fall came around, I knew in my heart that everything would be different. I fooled mysef from 1976 straight through to 1987. I had finally figured what clothes looked cool! I would crack up the entire class with the hilarious and cutting-edge Eddie Murphy routines I learned at summer camp! Oh, ho! Within weeks I was forced to my senses, when it turned out that I had gotten the clothes completely wrong and no one was impressed with my boy's Lee jeans, nor did my funny bits win over any of the popular kids, all of whom had their own inside jokes which they had developed together over their fun-filled private-beach summers, while I sat inside playing Intellivision and watching reruns of the Odd Couple.
My child has no enthusiasm for school, not even the short-lived kind. He thinks it is a bucket of nonsense, and is not shy about telling me or anyone else who will listen. And yet! And yet he appears, at least, to maneuver expertly through the day, collecting all kinds of peers who want desperately to be his friend, winning over the hearts and minds of all of his teachers, and clearly acing every subject. At school pickup he waves goodbye to his adoring classmates with a smile, and then he turns to me and announces that once again he has been subjected to another terrible, soul-crushing day.
His teachers assure me every year that he participates enthusiastically (when I tell him this, he insists that he's "only being polite") and I don't doubt that he's worn out at the end of the day and that can account for the low mood. Plus school just began last Thursday, and I fully expected the transition to be rocky. But still, I have to admit, I heard great things about his new teacher, and I did expect him to come home after the first couple of days with at least some kind of grudging acceptance. But no. And the attitude does get to me. I fret! When your child says things like "I hate learning" and "school is for idiots," one grows concerned that this attitude might blossom and flourish and over the adolescent years, when the challenges become more complicated and the pressures start mounting, said child might simply give up and turn to a life of crime. Yes, I go right from "my child is not enthusiastic about third grade" to "my child will be a career criminal because I have failed him." And I wonder why I can't sleep at night.
Also, how lame is it to counter "I hate learning" with "but learning is so much fun!" This is the kind of chirpy response I will myself not to say but then I say anyway. I worry if he rolls his eyes any harder he's going to damage his eyeballs. I don't need eyeball damage added to my litany of concerns. Plus if he's got these eyes that just roll uncontrollably around in his head, he's going to easily be picked out of any lineup, and that's a risk I don't want to take.
What do you think? Is this a phase? Should I continue to ignore it? And yes, this is me asking for advice, and yes, I am bracing myself. Aaaaand go.
Reader Comments (63)
Hi Alice. Does he seem happy when he's at home? Does he seem anxious about going to school? If not, maybe it's just talk.
My son was happy in elementary school and hated the first two years of middle school. I think it was because middle school is a nest of vipers. He seems to like it better this year (8th grade) perhaps because his grade rules the school. We might be back to hating it next year when he's a freshman.
All I know is, you do what you can. If your son actually seems unhappy, maybe a new (more challenging?) school would be best. But if he actually seems content (whatever he may say), I wouldn't sweat it too much. Good luck :-)
Maybe ask him how he knows how to do the stuff he's good at? (Presumably, he *learned* how to do it at some point.) I dunno.
I think some kids have a tendency to "take things out" on their parents when they get picked up after school. It's not that they necessarily hate school, find it boring etc., it can be just a reaction to dealing with all the rules and structure all day long and navigating through the murky social waters. It's exhausting just thinking about it! So when they come upon a trusted soul who will love them unconditionally, then they lash out in some way at that person--whether it's being in a bad mood or making comments that will rile up their parent.
Three options:
A) There's something wrong with Henry.
B) There's something wrong with you.
C) Henry is a GENIUS. A FLIPPIN' GENIUS, I TELL YOU.
I'd go with option C.
Maybe someone already suggested this--I didn't read them all. But can you go observe? My child's public school welcomes this, and so would my 2nd-grader, who loves school so much that I would probably not bother going. But if both the school and Henry would OK it, and you think he'd be himself and not a robot self because you're watching, you could see if he actually seems unhappy there. If he doesn't, and it sounds like he doesn't from what his teachers say, I think he's spouting the cool kid party line and pretending to hate. If that's the case, I say make a rule about complaining only about specific things that go wrong, but not about school sucking in general, because it probably doesn't if he's having a decent time.
My advice: promise Henry that if he does well in school, you'll play him Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" in its entirety. "What a bargain!"
Alice Bradley. I had a cat named that in the third grade.
My offspring is not in school yet, but he shares your son's feelings regarding education. Good night nurse I fear there are rough days ahead.
This may just be the typical reaction of kids to react negatively on things but most likely, they will find great reasons to enjoy school as they meet new friends and engage on different activities in the long run.
Oh my, well I had a child like this. Announced in kindergarten that he hated school and never felt any different up through 8th grade. By then, he was miserable. Absolutely miserable. He had friends, but couldn't stand anything about school and was starting to just break down. He stopped talking to us, no really...completely. He wore only black. He sat so slumped his head touched the table at dinner. I was let's say, a tad worried. And he was smart. Smart enough to know that a grade was just a letter, that he knew more about Homer's Odyssey than his teacher, and that he thought he was awful at math so why bother. He was biding his time until he could legally quit school (thanks, Guidance Counselor for telling him he could do that!).
I did the scariest thing of my life. I pulled him out of school at the end of his 8th grade year. We just chilled out until August and then started homeschooling. I was pretty sure we'd kill each other and that this was the end of learning all together, but I was out of choice and couldn't afford private school even if I thought it would have helped.
Turns out, it was the best thing we ever did. It took a year of removing those deeply held ideas about himself (like that he was terrible at math or that he just couldn't write). My son is a happy, thriving kid who is at or above grade level in all his work, volunteers for kids with multiple risk factors, and has college plans. So, hippy homeschooling made my hater love learning again.
I don't know what to tell you, but I think the smartest kids just see through some of the artifice of adults.
I think you need more information. Is it the material? The teaching methods? Is he finished in 5 minutes what it takes everyone else the hour to complete? Is he simply resentful of giving up his free time? Does he need more/less structure outside of school so that "learning" isn't just associated with classrooms and lessions? Can you guys expand on some of the school themes that do interest him outside of school so that he can take back his knowledge and be the "expert"?The process of school can be soul-sucking if you're not into that sort of thing, but learning shouldn't be. Friends of mine took their very social, bright and motivated son out of an excellent public school and put him in a Montessori elementary school and it is a perfect fit. He can learn the way that fits his personality and interests, it was a great move for them. Understanding Henry's learning style and ensuring that his school setting accomodates it might make a difference. Best of luck.
I am not a parent, so I do not have any advice from that perspective. However . . .
When I was in grade 3, I stopped doing school work. It was boring and stupid and dumb. My teacher had various meetings with my parents about it, I never did homework, it was cause for concern. Fast forward to grade 4, where I joined a gifted program, and was pulled from my classroom a half day a week to do something interesting and challenging - I became a model student.
Also, I am a teacher, so I have a perspective from that side - what children say to their parents does not always reflect reality. I was subbing in a classroom for two weeks while the teacher was on extended leave. I had gone into the classroom over the break to plan for the two weeks - unpaid, as I'm a sub. Halfway through the second week, a parent called the school. I was in the staffroom, and closest to the phone, so I picked it up (by this point, I'd been at the school regularly for 3 months, I was part of the staff. I even had my own pigeon hole for messages). The parent on the other end told me she would like to talk to someone about her son "not doing anything at school, since there was a sub in the class". I told her that I took offence to that, as I was the sub in the class, and we had done a literacy and numeracy lesson everyday, in line with the term planning of the school, as well as daily guided reading lessons and science, art, physical education and humanities throughout the week. The parent was a bit quiet, then said "So . . . ,y son's not really telling me the truth, huh?"
I'm not at all accusing anyone of lying, just saying that children, when asked "What did you do at school today?" will often respond "nothing." and when asked "how was school?" will say "terrible". A real dialogue is necessary to see if this is really the truth.
My son looked like he was on the Tibetan Death March when he was watching the Disney Light Parade. I have given up looking for enthusiasm for anything. Looking for it with school is really the impossible dream.
I informed him that there were things in my life that I didn't really enjoy like the laundry and cooking, or even watching his endless swim meets, and he told me that he would do the laundry instead.
I seriously thought about it. Then I came to my senses and sent him out the door to another day of torture.
OK, going to post something a little radical here so everyone be nice please. We homeschool. Your son sounds bright, but bored. Homeschooling is not viable for everyone, especially when both parents work.
So maybe you try this. My friend looked up the regs for her son's public school and found out he could have 20 unexcused absences before they kicked him out or didn't pass him. He had 19 lovely private field trip days with his mom throughout the school year. My friend is a tough cookie and didn't care about the dirty looks and unsolicited comments on how she was ruining her kid. And he got to go to museums and historical places and just hang out sometimes talking to his mom in the coffee shop. Even a half day every now and then would probably boosts Henry's spirits and give him some alternative learning opportunities to nurture the learning spirit.