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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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Botanical mysteries! For your enjoyment!

Hell what the!

Friends, it is exactly one year since our move to this NEW JERSEY PLACE, and it's official: I have lost my mind. There's no other possible explanation for why I spent five hours yesterday pouring mulch all over the mulch-able portions of our front- and backyard. And why I hauled my aching body back outside today to gouge out weeds. For another five hours.

And after contemplating my almost destroyed sneakers, I considered buying THESE.

I don't... I don't know. I have nothing to say for myself. Except...I'm sorry.

I never wanted to garden, never ever, but now that I've started, I can't stop. I want to win at gardening. Or at least not turn to cinders all that I touch. Will I keep anything alive? Only time will tell.

There are many items in our yard that completely baffle me. Thus, I ask you, my beloved readers: What The Hell Is This? Visit, you, and answer. There are no prizes if you're right--only my love. And we all know how much better Love is than a pony, or bundles of cash.

Reader Comments (38)

Maybe these Crocs are better? Less ugly?

Really I just want you to get them and tell me if they're good.
April 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterS-Way
No! Not the Crocs! Not for gardening, anyway. Get actual gardening clogs. The difference is that they don't have those vent holes. They're still open in the back, but still-lack of holes in the part of the shoe that's most directly sticking into the area where all the action is means less mulch and suck getting stuck in there under your foot.
April 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterloonytick
I agree with the previous commenter-Quince. To be more specific, I believe it is the 'Falconnet Charlet' variety.

Crocs are fine, as fine as the only appearance they make outside of your yard are at the garden center.
April 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAmy the Mom
I don't know what it's called, but they produce apple looking fruit when the blossoms fall off. Quince maybe?
April 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterCynthia
The one against a red diagonal fence is a rhododendron, for sure.

You could get Henry cute matching crocs. My son loves his.
April 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMagrak
I think you should just make up weird names for all your unnameable plants, that would be more fun. Or you could let The Man name them for you, whatever works. I want some Crocs despite the shame, because man they would be nice for work when I go right from the beach and don't want to have to wear socks. Maybe I'll find some cuter unstinky clogs instead, though. I wouldn't want to offend the world with my bizarre holey shoes.
April 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie
I have the Mary Jane crocs in a seafoam green, and they are way cute. Don't so much enjoy the tweezing all the splinters out of my feet at night, though, because bark mulch and Crocs are not a good fit. ;-)
May 1, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa
Drafty rubber clogs are the devil's oven mitts.

Put down the credit card and step away from the computer.
May 2, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJake
Yep, the peach one's a quince, then the one w/out flowers is a rhododendron (means "rose tree" in Greek), the one with white star-like flowers is a star magnolia, the low purply-reddish one looks like it could be phlox (although it's hard to tell from here--if it is, it should have five petals on each flower and kinda spiky leaves), then the taller purply one is a lilac. I don't know the yellow one--sorry!
May 2, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercorinne
Quince was my first thought, too! And you will NOT regret the Crocs - I wear them for work (on my feet all day) and just LOVE them!
May 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHilary
Shhh...I have a pair of Crocs. AUGH. I got them last summer when I needed shoes in which to be pregnant in summer: shoes in which I could paddle in cold water during a heatwave.

I've just found something better: Fit Flops. Here be the URL: Really comfortable: Ive hardly taken them off since I bought them, even indoors. Good for walking miles in. Good for hot weather. And now my legs look just like the legs in the picture! Not really.
May 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAntonia
Get Crocs, but not those Crocs.

I bought a pair of Athens last spring, mortified to be a) paying $30 for glorified flip-flops and b) supporting the Crocs empire. But then I wore them pretty much every single day. They're the most comfortable, supportive shoes I have, and show NO WEAR at all. I'm getting more colors this year.

You live in the 'burbs now, so you can buy some in person at some big box sporting goods store (dicks, modells, sports authority) - you'll pay full price by save the shipping.
May 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbetsy
I live Up North, and we don't get the Kerria or Quince--but I concur on the lilac (syringia vulgaris--it really impresses people when you know the Latin) and the rhodie. The purple star flowers flowing over the side of the wall are almost certainly Creeping Phlox, and look spectacular for about a week and then don't bloom again until the next year.Take samples to a garden center or an arboreteum--some places have "Ask A Master Gardener" day, where they just give advice for free. County extension offices are also a good source of info.
May 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterCate Ross

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