Chasing rabbits
May 31, 2011Let's talk about the meds. The MEDS. Goddammit.
Here's a brief overview of what's been going on, medication-wise.
In December, the Prozac I had been taking, successfully, for years, decided to stop working. Just like that! I took to my bed.
A few days later my doctor put me on Remeron, because it's fast-acting. I had never heard of Remeron. Scott said it sounded like Scooby-Doo saying "Enron," which sounded about right.
The Remeron worked great--SO GREAT IN FACT that in April, my doc suggested I go off the Prozac. Since it wasn't working, right?
Then, a few weeks later: ruh roh. The depression returned, but even worse, like it was all mad at me. My doctor put me back on Prozac--but since the Prozac takes a while to kick in, he upped the dose of Remeron. He did this twice, until I was no longer feeling completely and utterly sick and like my life was draining from me. So that was good.
But then I started having these…episodes. In general I'm a little lightheaded and spacey, nothing too dramatic, but enough that I need to hold onto handrails and should not operate heavy machinery. As if I ever should. But the episodes are far more dramatic. When these hit, I get so lightheaded I am about 99% sure my life is ending, imminently. My vision gets fuzzy, my limbs feel like they're not mine, I'm nauseated and shaky, and in general I feel as awful as I've ever felt in my life. Like I'm just bathed in awful.
Unfortunately the first time this hit, I was taking a nice long walk to visit my psychiatrist's office, which is about 4 miles from my home. How cheerfully I set out on my mission! There I was, happily marching across the Gowanus Canal, when my vision started winking in and out and I felt like I was floating and my arms weren't mine. Unfortunately every time I stopped to sit and regain full consciousness, it became harder and harder to stand up and get my limbs (the ones that clearly belonged to someone else) moving again. So the breaks became more frequent as I neared my destination, until I had to sit at pretty much every block. Sometimes just right there on the street. (Well, against a building. I didn't just plop down in the middle of the sidewalk.) An intelligent person would have tried to get a cab at this point, or sought out the nearest subway stop, but, you know.
I told my psychiatrist about this when I saw him, but by then I had had some water and some quality sitting time in his waiting room and actually felt fine. So maybe the extent of the awfulness I felt didn't come through in my retelling of it. He responded with something noncommittal, about keeping an eye on it, etc. Then it happened a few days later, and then again, and then another time, and each time it seemed even more likely that I might face-plant on the sidewalk. (Why always outside, Brain? Can't you do this when I'm near a fainting couch?) I thought maybe it was low blood pressure, but it feels also an awful lot like how I felt when I became anemic during pregnancy. Or maybe it's some thrilling combo of the two.
At any rate I Googled, as one does, and the Googling brought up a lot about Remeron and passing out, and I called my doctor, who recommended I stop the Remeron for a couple of days and then restart at the original dose. Of course there's a withdrawal syndrome for Remeron, of COURSE, but the danger that I might black out is more pressing, to my doctor's way of thinking, than my temporary discomfort. Which means that I might feel awful for the next few days, and I wouldn't even mind this so much except that I'm going to my college reunion this weekend. I apologize in advance, my Wellesley sisters, if I throw up into a flower arrangement. I probably won't. Probably.
The other problem with the Remeron is that I can no longer sleep. This is sad, as I enjoy sleeping. Remeron is supposed to help you sleep--in fact, it's often used to treat insomnia. In my case, I have to take it when I am on my way to slumberland, or I get a case of the Restless Legs that's so bad there's no way in hell I'll sleep that night. It seems, somewhat not surprisingly, that taking a pill, washing it down with some water and then squeezing one's eyes shut while thinking "OH MY GOD I NEED TO FALL ASLEEP RIGHT NOW OR ELSE" is not the most relaxing way to drift off. So I worry, and if I'm lucky I fall asleep anyway, but even if I do I tend to wake up every hour or so with some INCREDIBLY URGENT THOUGHT in my head. A few nights ago I lurched out of bed because I Had To Print An Email! And Read It To Scott! For instance. If I don't fall asleep, which usually I do not, I lie in bed twitching and dying and considering calling the Church to see if they'll give my legs a nice long exorcism.
While the Remeron gives me trouble when it comes to sleeping, my doctor has assured me that going off of it will cause (wait for it) sleeping problems. But then the Klonopin might help with that, being a benzo and all. It's getting very Go Ask Alice, around these parts. Maybe I'll wash these Bennies down with some LSD! What? Don't be such a square!
UGH. I can't believe I just wrote all this about these drugs. And now I'm going to publish. And you're going to read it. And I'm going to get an alarmed call from my mom. AGAIN. My poor mom.
Reader Comments (98)
I'm sorry you're going through med problems. I've had SSRI's up and stop working before (also in winter) and it is never any fun. I also have completely restless legs so I understand the possessed legs issue. I've never tried meds specifically for restless leg syndrome because it sounded so... stupid. But, the crazy legs are so very stupid as well so maybe I should look into it. Wouldn't it be nice if our brain chemistry would just do the right things without pills? Hang in there lady.
wow, this exhausted me just reading it, so I can imagine how utterly exhausted you are by living it!!! I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Maybe LSD is actually the answer....and if it won't help you, it might make you blissfully happy enough that you won't care about anything anymore, right? Or is that cocaine? I'm not confident I have my drugs straight.
Firstly, I am sorry you're dealing with all this. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for about 15 years. I did the whole round robin thing with different drugs and usually I felt more like a drugged up loon than anything else. It was soooo frustrating and depressing and hey, isn't that what I was trying to cure? It went on so long I thought I'd never find the "right" drug therapy and I would never really be "better". Eventually I found a therapist that said- "Here's the deal- the drugs aren't always going to work. Sometimes they will just stop working and even if one worked before, if you go off and come back on it will never work the same. You needed them to get started in healing, but do you want to do this forever? The more you can substitute your coping skills for the meds the better." I haven't been on them for close to 12 years. Granted, I have bouts of depression. I deal with being anxious. Hell, I live a dream life right now traveling the world and I still have to use my coping skills on a weekly basis. BUT- I'm so much healthier and happier than I was before. I know I have the skills to overcome even if I sometimes allow myself really bad days. I'm not saying you should stop taking meds, I believe wholeheartedly in mental health treatment. It's just that when my therapist said this I kept thinking "WHY has no other doctor ever said this to me??" So just in case you ever reach the point where the meds issue is just as big as your actual illness- it doesn't have to be your life. Oh and I'm no "you can just think your way out of mental illnesses" person. I pray I didn't come across that way. Really wishing you all the best.
Brains, man. I don't know what zombies see in them. Sending lots of good thoughts your way. xxx
I've been keeping track of your blog posts and tweets, waiting to hear word that you were feeling better! I know what it's like down there at the bottom of the big, dark, slimy, likely scary animal-infested pit of hopeless feeling depression, and I know how much it sucks. Medicine is an awesome thing when it does what it's supposed to. SO! I'm sending prayers and good thoughts your way that there will be no passing out but instead lots of sleep and chilled out legs.
You are wonderful.
HI Alice,
Even the posts where my heart feels sad make me laugh...just how do you do that? But I have to agree with your friend Sharon. I took depression/anxiety meds for several years. Which was especially hard to admit because I am a psychotherapist and shouldn't everything be fixed with therapy???? Yeah...not so much. Anyway, it wasn't until I started trying to have a kid that I found out my endocrine system was was F'ed up (I can curse here...right?) Anyhoo, AFTER I had a kid, my doc discovered just how F'ed up my endocrine system is. And it turns out...all those symptoms of depression and panic and insomnia? TOTALLY dependent on your endocrine system. And my endocrine system was on strike. My tests indicated my thyroid was lazy, my adrenal glands were completely anemic and I my levels of progesterone, testosterone and estrogen (both kinds) were so low, they were in the toilet. Fast forward 3 years and hormone replacement therapy later? I am doing pretty damn good. Side note, without hormones, your body doesn't produce seratonin.....which is what helps you sleep. My doc has me on high levels of amino acids called 5 htp (it's bascially tryptophan...you know from turkey, in case I totally spelled that wrong). It's amazing and works like a charm to get that seratonin on board.
I sound like I am giving medical advice. Which is totally what I did not want to do. I guess what I am saying is that this could all be related to your endocrine system. I would make a suggestion you get your hormone levels checked.
I am writing this on only one cup of coffee....so forgive me if I am outta line.
Hope you are feeling better soon?
Best,
Tina
Dude!
That sucks. I'm sorry your brain and your body are fighting.
Now, I'm no doctor, but I would like to prescribe some chocolate chip cookies. They don't interact with other medications and they're over the counter.
Seriously, hang in there. You're stronger than this, and you'll get through it.
I'll be at Wellesley reunion this weekend, too! Judging by my previous reunion experiences, you definitely wouldn't be the first alum to hurl at reunion. Best wishes to you. :)
I so admire your humor, but I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you feel better soon.
Ughh. Isn't medication fun? I was on Celexa for for something like ten years and then went off it to have my son-- and just went back on it a few months ago. It didn't seem to kick in until I also starting taking Lamictal, which I know you don't like, and I fought, but I have to say that I feel better than I have in years. I take the lowest dosages of both meds (which I tell myself so I can pretend I am only a tiny bit cray-cray) and it has made it possible for me to live in a slightly less hysterical manner.
I grew up in Wellesley and used to be tortured by Wellesley college girls at the bookstore where I worked. I hope you weren't one of those young bippies sneering at our pathetic selection of paperback fiction. I also spent many a summer illegally swimming in the polluted part of Lake Waban, so if I develop a third arm, I will know why. (Really? My friends and I see fences and signs saying: Warning: Lead Chromate and we think swimming is a good idea? Well done, us.)
Mermil, oh my god. You swam in the part of Lake Waban where it was polluted? I remember a part of it being sort of bright teal, and soupy. I hope it wasn't that part.
This endocrinology stuff is fascinating. How do I get me some of that? I think I have to call my doctor, stat.
Also, I love that you remember I had a bad experience with Lamictal. You guys are the best.
Also, the only bookstore in Wellesley, when I went (in '91) had a great selection, so I wasn't the one sneering. I was the one reading in the corner, dreaming of being the next Frederick Barthelme.
I want a psychoendocrinologist - whatever that is. And I hope you find one too. I have no help for the meds problem, other than saying "ugh" and "man have I been there."
Have your mom call my mom. They can commiserate about their daughters publishing their medical troubles on the interwebz.
Jesus. I hope this gets better soon. In the meantime, I can't give you any meds advice but as far as being light headed, you might want to try some gatorade/vitamin water, etc.. I don't know if electrolytes factor into endocrinology in any way but I can get easily lightheaded (I'm just a woman you know) on or off the drugs and at my dr's advice started drinking one of those types of beverages a day. It helps me not feel like I'm going to keel over when I stand up.. maybe it could at least help while you get this figured out? Hope so.
I want an inflatable fainting couch and a psychoendowhathaveyou!
I'm coming off of Lexapro too because it's messing with my hormones (possible throwing me into early menopause), and working toward getting on Wellbutrin. "it's a women's drug," my doctor crowed. We'll see. Right now, my brain is a bit mushy and I hate everyone. Sounds about right.
Many hugs my dear, I know you will kick depression's ass with the right combo of everything.
My partner has gone through almost the exact same thing. It's awful. Right now, Lamictal is helping best, with Doxepin for sleep plus some Klonopin. Yeah! Let's hear it for drugs! My sympathies -- I know first (er, second-) hand how awful it can be to struggle with depression and then all the drug fun that comes with that.
PS we called Remeron, Memeron, because it sounded funnier and also because for some reason it induced some memory problems for her.
Big hugs to you and Scott.
Hi dear,
Thank you so much for writing about this, because it really is helpful to have this kind of discussion about depression. Anyhow, I have found that meditation is helpful for the restless legs syndrome. I'm, however, unable to meditate on my own, so I just use guided meditations you can find online. I'm partial to www.meditationoasis.com, and use their podcasts when feeling particularly fidgety. Also, seconding Advil recommendation - I'm noticing that it just relaxes me, for some reason.
Hugs, cheers, all good things.
Thanks, Vesna! Yes, I find that meditation on my own right now isn't the best idea, as my thoughts are (still) not (quite) my friends. I'll check it out!
WEIRD LIMB THINGS! Oh, hearing that made me go into full-body dry heaves remembering my own weird limb thing, curtosy of Lexipro. My legs were fine, but my arms clearly wanted to detach from my body and run around the room on their own, and they told me this by manufacturing the feeling of ants marching on the inside of my skin and I have to say that is an IMPOSSIBLE symptom to describe to a doctor without sounding even more crazy than usual. ANTS MARCHING IN MY ARMS GAH MAKE IT STOP.
Okay, better now. I'm going to go searching for a phsychoendowhatevermadoctor myself now. I can't believe that never occured to me/any of my other doctors. They MUST exist in Chicago.
Well, that sounds generally sucktastic. The bright side is that there are a wealth of drugs available, and you're not being exorcise, or burned at the stake, or treated with electric shocks or a lobotomy.
See? Always cheering I am.
Alice, I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with the medications. I remember going through that during a particularly bad spell early on after being diagnosed with Bipolar disorder... the doc put me on Risperdal during a particularly med-resistant time and I remember my reaction was so alarming to my husband he thought I had been seriously damaged by taking the drugs. I was drooling, zombie-like, confused, and couldn't put my thoughts together coherently. It was terrifying to feel my options were "OK, so either be miserable with violently changing mood swings or feel like I'm losing my mind while being trapped in a catatonic body? Great." I stopped that medication shortly afterwards, but it made me realize I needed to be more of my own advocate when it came to telling my doctor how the drugs made me feel, and to always communicate what my needs are as a patient.
Hang in there and don't ever let your doctor tell you that you should "just ride out your symptoms" if they ever feel beyond managing - only you know what your reaction to the medicine feels like, and you shouldn't have to "suffer" to feel better. Keeping you in my thoughts! Take good care of yourself.
Alice, I am so sorry you are going through this, and I admire your ability to still make everyone laugh even though things are really tough.
I work at Wellesley and the campus is soooo beautiful right now, I hope that beauty soothes you this weekend. Lake Waban is no longer teal but, uh, don't swim in it. : )
Dude. I had no idea my weird restless legs might be connected to my meds (which, if they ever stop working, I will just DIE).
I'm so sorry about how this is plaguing you. But I'm really thankful you're writing about it.
Sorry the medication road is so rocky. And the part from the other post about just cheering up already--HA! I'll get to that after my motivation sees fit to return. People are dopes.
I'm glad you're doing better. Vienese? How misguided. You were definitely channeling a southern belle pre-civil war. Anybody can see that.
I originally read "Why always outside, Brain?" as "Brian." And I thought, who's Brian? Apparently he's a very useful but not always helpful sort of brain. Best wishes keeping that Brian in line!