Alice Bradley - Blog - Chemicals and me.

Tuesday

Oct042005

Chemicals and me.

October 4, 2005

When will I learn that I CANNOT DRINK COFFEE? I love it. I love the coffee. But I am a delicate flower who trembles uncontrollably after half a cup. HALF A CUP. Then I start to write in ALL CAPS.

This morning I had two caffeinated beverages. TWO. And OH MY GOD MY HEART. It can’t take it. I was out with my friend and our children were not there and we were so happy! So happy, and so drinky-drinky with the coffee! And now I am trying to find the right keys on this keyboard thing and it’s hard because my hands are a blur!

Speaking of chemicals in the body…

One year ago, the above-mentioned friend and I and both our children were standing on the corner, being neighborly, when two cars collided. We screamed at the sound of the crunching metal and screeching and then we ran out of the way when it looked like one of the cars was coming right for us. Then we stood there, trying to comfort our crying children, as everyone around us screamed and ran for help and we realized that the people in the cars—who were right there, the shattered glass was at our feet—were in bad shape.

But we were okay. We were safe. We backed away; we showed our children that the firemen and the ambulances were coming to help. We retreated to our homes to regroup and try to make sense of what happened.

That night my heart began to race. The next day it was still going at breakneck speed. My heart wouldn’t slow down; my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I jumped at every sound. I kept thinking about those cars. If I had been at the corner a second earlier, the car would have hit us. If my friend hadn’t been there, I might have been crossing the street. If, if, if. I began to think about how my son wasn’t safe here, living on this busy street. Who knows what would happen the next time we crossed it? Indeed—who knows what will happen, period? There was no way I could keep him safe! Ever! In life! Because life is unpredictable!

I began to think about death. As in, all the time. Death! It happens! No stopping it!

So I began to clean, all the time. Clean clean clean. The cleaning wasn’t really working at drowning out the constant worrying and crying, so I strapped on my iPod while I cleaned and wept and I tried to think about something, anything else.

When I couldn’t wear my iPod or clean, I read the dictionary. You think I’m kidding, don’t you? But the dictionary was the only thing I could read that didn’t depress me in some way, that didn’t bring up some intimation of death. Or life—which just leads to death, as we all know.

My husband told me to go to the doctor, and I was furious. You don’t get it, I shouted! We’re all going to die!

I felt like I was surrounded by the pod people; like I was the only one fighting off sleep so that they wouldn’t come and take my brain. I had to keep up my frantic pace of worrying and fretting and weeping and cleaning, or else.

Finally, when my parents had to come and take my child away for a couple of days so he could spend a few carefree moments not worrying why Mommy wouldn’t stop crying, I thought, hmm. Maybe a doctor isn’t such a bad idea.

The doctor took one look at me and said, ooh, hello, post-traumatic stress lady! You’re nuts! (She may not have said “nuts.” Maybe.) She prescribed two things: A breathing/meditation course, and an anti-anxiety drug. First I took the breathing/meditation course. Which, oh lord, was the silliest thing I have ever done, but the first night of that class? My heartrate went down for the first time, from around 150 (I had been obsessively checking it ever since it began racing) to 65.

Although the course worked wonders for me (I would be happy to share details about it with any of you, if you want to email me), she still wanted me on the medication. So I, the obedient patient, took it. I didn’t notice any dramatic changes, but then, I was already cured, or considered myself to be.

So now, a year later, we’ve both agreed that I should go off the medication, which happens to be Effexor.

Here’s the thing. Effexor has the worst withdrawal of any of these drugs. (Except we can’t call it “withdrawal”! It’s “discontinuation syndrome”!) I have taken it before, and I have gone off it before, and I know what can happen.

But because I’m on a minute dose (see above, re: “delicate flower”) my doctor won’t acknowledge that I will have any problems, or that I need to wean myself slowly. Even though going off this drug cold-turkey is a terrible idea, a surefire recipe for physical and emotional misery, she insists that this is what I should do. Even though all evidence points to her being a moron.

So! I am now going to wean myself. And in the interest of public service, I am going to document here my weaning process. (Not in painful detail, you understand. I will try not to bore you overly. )

I’m nervous, but ready. I know what to do. I have done the research, and I am cheaper than my doctor.

Here’s hoping no more cars crash around me in the meantime.

Reader Comments (140)

I'm sending positive vibes your way.

October 6, 2005 |

Bob

Lots and lots and lots of luck. I hope this goes quickly and very painlessly for you.

October 6, 2005 |

halloweenlover

I quit effexor cold turkey. What worked for me: exercising 4X a day. Very, very time-consuming, but works amazingly well for managing moods. You basically cannot be anxious it you're exercising all the time, I don't know why. (Well, that's not true, I did still have some anxiety, and some mood swings, but only for a week or so and it was nothing I couldn't handle.)

October 6, 2005 |

victoria

If you happen to read down this far, let me just say that I had an Effexor experience, too. I quit cold turkey and ended up in the ER on an IV because I got so dehydrated from the withdrawal. You know your body; do what's best for you!

October 7, 2005 |

Jane

Effexor is an SSRI? Yeah, highly recommend tapering off that puppy. I've weaned off Paxil twice. Even going slowly I still got the brain shivers. Your doctor should be listening to you. My dad is also HIGHLY medication sensitive, so I've seen that kind of stuff in action. Trust your instincts on this one. Good luck!

October 8, 2005 |

Melissa

When I see another doctor's patient for a sick visit and the chief complaint is a certain constellation of symptoms, I just ask, "Which antidepressant did you recently stop cold-turkey?" The syndrome is pretty well known, and if you're not prepared for it, can really make you feel wacked out. I've gone through it myself, so I can definitely relate. (Informational note: longer-acting antidepressants are the least likely to do this.) I ended up going back on slightly different meds, as I realized that Antidepressant Me is the me I like hanging out with.

October 8, 2005 |

DoctorMama

Wean, wean, wean, as much as you can wean. My gf has gone off Effexor three times, twice with weaning the hell out of it, the third time, weaning to a new med. The non-weaning time...not so good. She felt horrible for a good month. She's now taking 5-HTP, which doesn't make you want to die if you miss a dose or two. At least, according to the girlie.

We're also a completely decaf household. People think we're crazy, but we just feel really crappy (more pain) when we're caffeinated. Occasionally we'll have regular Pepsi, because regular is the only kind we like, but that doesn't seem to affect us as badly as caffeine from coffee. Anyway, Starbucks makes everything except chai in decaf, so we don't feel like we're missing anything. Plus, our espresso at home comes from our decaf Nespresso pods.

October 8, 2005 |

FlippyO

Wean. Definitely wean.

I've studied the SSRIs (though I've never actually taken them), and I can't believe how some of them have such negative effects when coming off of them. Ugh.

Good luck and please, keep us posted.

October 9, 2005 |

MIM

Not that I don't appreciate the superfluous advice, but please--THE POST IS ABOUT HOW I'M GOING TO WEAN. I don't need more comments telling me to wean. Thank you.

In conclusion, 'wean' is funny if you say it many times. wean wean wean.

October 9, 2005 |

alice

::hugs for you::::hugs for your wonderful family::xoxoLoyal reader Carolynn Eva

October 9, 2005 |

Carolynn Eva

oh yes, going off something is the worst, especially when you feel like "hey, look at how normal i am? i do not need this anymore. how STUPID. pfft. going off now." and then whoa, holy crap...turns out that stuff was actually DOING something and hey what is with all this crying and shakiness and headaches?

seriously, best of luck and here's to no bad symptoms.

October 9, 2005 |

Sarcomical

I think everyone wants to make sure you W*E*A*N, not just wean. Think of it as caring redundancy. Or, think of it as annoying. Your choice.

October 10, 2005 |

FlippyO

I weaned off effexor suddenly and cold turkey when I discovered I was pregnant. I can't tell you how awful the withdrawls were, because during the cold turkey stop of effexor I was going through horrific hypermesis.

I'm still nursing, but as soon as baby girl is weaned, I'm going back to effexor. Prior to going off of it, I was sure I had myself back together enough to manage life well without it. I feel, at least right now, that I'd be a better me back on it.

Best of luck.

October 20, 2005 |

cas

There is life after Effexor Withdrawal. The "brain shivers" will go away. The tingling in your fingers will go away. Finally, the memory of the Hell of Effexor Withdrawal will go away too. My last Effexor pill was over a year ago.

There's a website with Dr. Bob and Psychobabble that I joined when I was experiencing the withdrawal. Tons of people going through the same thing. Lots of advice.

Good Luck!

October 25, 2005 |

KimberlyDi

I called my withdrawal process the 2-step forward, 1-step back. I would cut my dosage by 1/4 for one day, then back up 1/8 the next 6 days or until I felt ok. Then I would bump down another 1/4 of the original dosage for 1 day, then back up 1/8 for the next 6 days.

Example: 400 being the starting dosage (I forget my exact dosage)

300mg on Day 1, 350mg on Days 2-7,250mg on Day 8, 300mg on Days 9-14,200mg on Day 15, 250mg on Days 16-21

Days 1, 8, & 15 (etc) were the hardest because I dropped a full 1/4. That made the following 6 days easier because I eased up alittle bit on a higher dosage.

I finally got to the point were I was skipping days (no dosage days) for longer periods of time.

Good luck!

October 25, 2005 |

KimberlyDi

I have been on Effexor for SIX years and NO ONE WILL EVER TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME : )

October 28, 2005 |

Julia

It's awful being preoocupied with death. I certainly know what you mean about the pod people coming to get you and trying to clean your way out of it. I'm glad to read that you are better. Great blog and thanks for writing!

November 2, 2005 |

daciaray

oooh you sure are popular and i can see why... it's the first time I've read your blog, so funny, so... if I had some caffeine in my system I could come up with a word that would do it justice.

November 7, 2005 |

Claire

My wife and I both take Effexor XR 150 mg daily. We have been taking this drug for almost a year. We have five children. Two are mine, and three are hers. My wife now wants a divorce - we do not have sex at all. She says she has not sex drive. She does not want a relationship with me. She loves me- but does not feel any want, or excitement for me anylonger. She feels she fell out of love with me. We have both decided to stop this drug. I still love her. I do not know what to expect when We go off effexor SLOWLY. Hey, I am sad now at 150 mg. It might be easier if I know the drug did not mask, or alter ones emotions or feelings of love. Guess that feeling of "being in love" is different to everyone.

February 26, 2006 |

Patrick

The strangest things will make us fall into these panic attacks. My wife watched Titanic when I was away on a business trip about a year ago. She called me to tell me that she was really afriad. Freaking out. Her heart was racing and she felt terrible. It was very difficult for me to be 1000 miles away.

The next day, she went to the doc who suspected a panic attack and gave her some Zanex (sic?). She only had to take one and keeps the rest on hand 'just in case'.

Well, we attempted to watch Titanic again, and the same thing happend. This time I was there, thank God.

So, if you're a believer in cause and effect, Titanic causes Anxiety and Panic attacks!

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Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

The Best Creative
Non-Fiction, Vol. 2

Kirtsy Takes A Bow:
A Celebration...

Things I Learned
About My Dad

Cringe: Teenage Diaries, Notes...

Let's Panic

Chemicals and me.

Reader Comments (140)

Post a New Comment

Link an External Response

Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

Some Books I'm In...

Sleep IsFor The Weak

The Best CreativeNon-Fiction, Vol. 2

Kirtsy Takes A Bow:A Celebration...

Things I LearnedAbout My Dad

Cringe: Teenage Diaries, Notes...

Let's Panic

Chemicals and me.

Reader Comments (140)

Post a New Comment

Link an External Response

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

The Best Creative
Non-Fiction, Vol. 2

Kirtsy Takes A Bow:
A Celebration...

Things I Learned
About My Dad