Christmas Eve Eve.

shopping list where's my shopping list crap did I buy enough rolls? Do I need to buy more liquor? Crap crap crap crap

Why hello, and welcome. Welcome to my holiday-addled brains.

wrap more wrap FASTER no WRAP SLOWER but BETTER where are the gift tags did I even buy gift tags this year? Crap crap CRAP

This isn't even an accurate representation of the activity up there, brain-wise. This is way too coherent to be accurate. In reality, my brain right now is a soggy mess of tinsel and nog. There are no words, just images of the Perfect Christmas that Will Be. My cortex is trying to sort it all out while my primitive brain finds whatever stale cookies I have and directs the arm-parts to put them in the mouth-hole.

do I have enough side dishes? I think I have enough but what if I don't? WILL EVERYONE GET UP AND LEAVE?

We're hosting Christmas for the second year in a row, and I'm actually really excited (albeit a teeny bit preoccupied and maybe a smidgen frantic). I love planning these things, although in the actual execution I sometimes wonder what the hell I was thinking. My entire family is coming, plus friends, plus Scott's parents. I'm not sure where I'm going to seat everyone, so I'm instituting a rule: Jews sit on the porch. Hell, they're Russian Jews! They like the cold!

Hide the rolls from the cat SHE WILL EAT THEM hide the cookies from the cat SHE WILL EAT THEM TOO let the cat play with the wrapped presents THERE IS NO FIGHTING IT

Ha, ha, I'm not putting the Jews on the porch. I am feeding them ham, though, which may be just as bad. While I do it I will shout, "You're here to worship MY messiah now, suckers! Eat your CHRISTMAS HAM!"

My audience is going to think I'm completely losing it now could I please shut up about the Jews in my family? Okay shutting up now

Anyway. I am off to contemplate and re-contemplate tomorrow and how the timing of all this cooking and cleaning should go, and so I will not be posting again until after Christmas. At that time, I will report on the holiday goings-on in the Finslippy household, and whether Santa got Henry all the presents he asked for (hint: yes) and if I managed to poison anyone (unlikely, consider the ham is already cooked, and everything else is vegetables, but you never know) and how much liquor was consumed.

Happy Everything, readers!

Comments

[DM]

God, I love ham. And you. Merry Christmas, Alice and family.

[patois]

I think if they're coming for the Christmas meal, the Russian Jews might be on to your posturing about force-feeding them ham.

Merry Christmas.

[Brooke]

Hee! You doll, you.

You wrote,

In reality, my brain right now is a soggy mess of tinsel and nog.

The hidden blessing is this: At least there's nog. We had a snowstorm here and everyone in Seattle has been unable to get to the liquor store for like 8 days now. It's like famine plague and pestilence all rolled into one. You thought we liked our coffee? We like our port wine and vodka cranberries better.

Merry Christmas, adorable person.

[C]

Some things never change: year after year, you remain brilliantly funny. Thanks for the Christmas Eve smile!

[rachelb]

I love the peeks into your thought process. I feel like that a lot.

But it's your twitter about Henry screaming at you that made me laugh out loud. Why do these children have to be so awful right before Christmas? I was ready to cancel the whole thing today.

And I'm in Seattle and made it to the liquor store today, along with about 200 other desperate people! Thank you Bailey's!

[rachelb]

I love the peeks into your thought process. I feel like that a lot.

But it's your twitter about Henry screaming at you that made me laugh out loud. Why do these children have to be so awful right before Christmas? I was ready to cancel the whole thing today.

And I'm in Seattle and made it to the liquor store today, along with about 200 other desperate people! Thank you Bailey's!

[Mauigirl]

I hope today goes really well and that everyone has a wonderful time!

This was hilarious - and so true of all of our thoughts before an event like this!

[Brian]

You said ham. heh heh.

[Meg]

Ha indeed. That's what's in all of our brains. And the Jews in my family seem to have made it through more sanely then anyone else. Maybe because they kept taking time outs on the porch.

[Cat]

Finslippy's Holiday: Now With More Jew

My holiday dreams have all come true

[Rachel]

You never fail to just crack my shit right up. Hope it was a great one!

[BOSSY]

Happy merry to you and yours.

[MiniHipster]

HAHA!I hope it all went well for you Alice.

MiniHipster.com

[amigurumigirl]

Happy Late Christmas! I bet you had a great time with no snafus to speak of whatsoever. Woot! Cheers!

[kat]

i hope your christmas was a happy one :-)

[Baby Blankets]

It's good to know that someone else has a brain that goes as crazy as mine! Hope everything ran smoothly and everyone enjoyed the ham! Happy 2009.

[victoria]

This is a little tardy, and it is not meant to discourage anyone from pursuing any healthcare options that might work for them -- but I am a Sarno fan, too. His book cured me of crippling low back pain in my twenties (that TWO YEARS of tedious physical therapy exercises had left untouched). Now I feel loathing and contempt for all physical therapists. My p.t. back then told me that my back pain kept getting wrose because I wasn't "diligent" about doing my exercises -- when you could have bounced quarters off my abs! I followed his advice to the letter!! I did the damn exercises EVERY DAY and NEVER sat down or bent wrong or did anything I was told not to do and endured all sorts of unpleasant confrontations with people in movie theatres and restaurants because I did everything standing up and I did the stairmaster 20 minutes every damn day, etc. etc., and the pain just got worse and worse until there were days, not infrequently, when I couldn't even walk (at age 25! with no disease or injury!) and the damn lying p.t. never admitted that the exercises WEREN'T WORKING. He blamed me for not being "diligent," and just kept prescribing me more and more useless, waste-of-time, BORING exercises WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN USING THAT TIME TO DO SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY WOULD HAVE BENEFITTED ME OR GIVEN ME PLEASURE. Now I wouldn't go near a p.t. if you paid me. (This was not the only experience I had that exposed p.t. as a fraud, but it was the most horrifying.) Physical therapy is about as useful as saying the rosary -- it gives you soemthing to do, and makes you feel slightly less helpless while you're actually doing it, and gives you a brief pious feeling that "I'm a good girl and I'm playing by the rules so I know that things will get better for me," but it's just a superstitious waste of time and energy. There are a lot of more effective ways to manage pain (including Sarno) than p.t.