Depression: the awful sequel
April 30, 2011So, the thing is, I am not feeling all that well.
Sometimes you just need to say it. I feel bad! I am feeling poorly. In the head, that is.
I had a lovely time on tour and at the conference--I truly did! I wasn't the crying-on-the-inside clown I can sometimes be at these things--but shortly after I got back a whole cascade of awfulness knocked me right over. I could blame it on exhaustion, and I'm sure that contributed, but also I've been adjusting to some new meds mixed in with withdrawal from my old meds. My old meds, which, it became clear, I still needed, so now I'm back on 'em. Plus the new one. Plus another one, for anxiety. It's getting very Valley of the Dolls up in here. I've got a Lazy Susan of pill bottles.
The acute horror of depression-recurrence has abated, mostly--I'm ambulatory, able to laugh and shower, and so on. But I haven't yet experienced that relief that washes over me when I realize my brain is back to its regular, happy hum. I'm no longer horrible, but I'm frustrated. And irritated. And maybe a little despairing? Every time this recurs, I feel the teensiest bit hopeless. I like to believe I have my Depression beat, but here it's been lurking in the shadows all this time, waiting, ready to pounce.
That dick.
Reader Comments (63)
Right there with you. I just went back into therapy after a ten year hiatus, mostly because my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't drive anywhere and I was getting tired of weeping with shame and then being sleepless for several nights in a row every time I had to drive somewhere. I also went back on meds, new ones that I felt weird about taking, but I can say that after two months I feel better than I have in years. I also forced myself to talk about it to my friends, and my family, which was not exactly a thrill. The way I figure it, we deserve to be happy, but for some people, doing that takes more work-- hard-won happiness is sometimes that much sweeter. Keep your head down and barrell through this. You can do it. You can.
You put into words so much of what goes on in my head. So despite the fact that I too got the frustration/annoyance/seering despair going on today, when I read your words, I... chuckled. Yep. And felt relief. Just a tad. But it helped.
So thank you for that.
Hey Alice, regular reader but infrequent commenter here. I'm currently in the medication withdrawl process myself, for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I've been on these specific meds for a year, so needless to say my brain is pretty confused about the recent changes. It's so tough feeling like your own brain is the enemy. One minute I feel calm and in control and the next I'm in an emotional fog and can barely see what's actually happening right in front of me. It's like I can't see the forest for the trees, and the bears, and the wolves, and the bee hives, and oh god oh god raccoons with rabies, and pollen that will cause me to asphyxiate and die.. and.. well you get the idea. It can be very scary and alienating, which is really just exactly what you need when you're already dealing with an anxiety disorder. I really appreciate how open and honest you are about these kinds of issues on the blog. It really helps having a reminder from someone I admire so much that I'm not alone out there. Plenty of people are going through similar medication drama, and we're not weird or broken because of it. It's just a part of life. A really, really shitty part. So really, thank you.
-Allison
Alice, I hear you. Depression is an endless battle, and one I know well. Good for you for facing up to it and doing what you needed to do. And thank you so much for being honest. Too often we're afraid to talk about it, so it holds power over us, like Voldemort/You-Know-Who. The more of us who stand up and say "this is me too" the better.
This is me too.
Sending good thoughts and hoping you reach equilibrium again very soon.
Alice, thank you for being so open about your struggles. I can relate only too well; I have had various diagnoses through the years including Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Don't I just sound like a ray of sunshine? I've also had to experiment with various meds over the years and like you, experienced the awful withdrawal symptoms of Effexor. Never again. I then started Wellbutrin but my doc had me on too high a dose and I ended up suicidal and hospitalized. Talk about shame...I know I shouldn't feel this way, but let's face it: it's not the kind of thing you're proud of and bring up as amusing cocktail party conversation. Although it was a traumatic experience the likes of which I hope to never experience again, the hospitalization helped with getting my meds figured out and I've been relatively stable ever since. I also went on a ton of herbal supplements and vitamins (actually prescribed by my GYN for the PMDD) in addition to the Wellbutrin, and I think those have helped as well.
For me, one of the shittiest things about depression is the feeling that I'm missing out on life. I feel so envious of people who are just naturally happy and well-adjusted, and long to know those feelings. Thankfully, I'm able to get out of bed and function as a normal member of society and even kind of enjoy myself occassionally. But I want more than that. I've become convinced over the years that while the meds take away the worst of the depression symptoms and muffle the feeling of dispair, they also blunt your positive emotions. I can't really remember the last time I felt joyful or even really happy about anything, and I feel like I'm being cheated out of a full life. But I guess I've just accepted it as the price I have to pay to keep Depression, That Dick, from howling at the door.
Please forgive my rambling, but it's cathartic to talk about this to people who get it. So in summary: I feel your pain because I'm right there with you. Hang in there. Surround yourself with positive people. And be good to yourself.
Thank you for talking about depression. I hate that this disease never goes away.
Lame! I hope you feel better soon. This happens to me sometimes and my best friend has to tell me that I won't feel like this forever...over and over and over and over again until it clears up for whatever reason. Just think of it like allergies that flare up only for your brain?
I feel ya. I've been medicated for the last four years or so. Though I've been battling depression for more like 20 years. And I am so thankful for people like you who are talking about depression and taking some of the shame out of it.
You're right - depression is SUCH a dick.
I wish I had magic words and the right hug. Take care of yourself.
just got off celexa. am a bloated, cursing sailor now.
Best cure I ever experienced for a profound clinical depression was talk therapy with a very caring, committed psychologist. It took me two years to get well, but this was before SSRI antidepressants, so I did not have an available short cut. So now, for the past twenty years, I live knowing that I had the strength to survive and work through depression. My point: take your meds if they seem to help quickly, but for a lasting cure, find a therapist and talk and take the time to work out the things that are making you sad and ill. Also: volunteer. Get outside yourself whenever you can. And finally: read Loving What Is, by Byron Katie, and apply her four questions to your bad/sad thoughts and preoccupations. I hope some of this may be helpful. Most of all, remember--this too shall pass. You will feel better.
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