Everything, it hurts
December 16, 2011I made a terrible mistake, which began, as it so often does, with me venturing outside. To the gym, specifically, where I made the second mistake, which was to work out with great vigor and enthusiasm. And now my body is wrecked.
My schedule went all to hell in the spring, with the book launch and subsequent tour, and ever since then I have been less than disciplined about gym-going. I know this is a problem for many of us modern peoples, with our careers and families clamoring for our love and care, but I really don't have valid excuses. I live three blocks from the gym. I work from home. My son is in school. Surely, you would think, I could cram an hour of exercise into my schedule at least a few times a week. Especially knowing how much exercise benefits my delicate moods! Not to mention my bones, which will soon have the density and strength of meringue! (Thanks, osteoporotic ancestors!)
And yet.
The need to get back into it really hit home when I was on a plane a couple of weeks ago. I lifted my suitcase to get it into the overhead bin, and I got…stuck. I got it three-quarters of the way toward the overhead bin and there was no way my arms would lift it any higher. I just stood there, frozen, my suitcase in mid-air, desperately commanding my arms to continue upward but they WOULD NOT GO, until a nice fellow passenger helped me out. A beefy man took pity on me. I was furious. Why, I had lifted suitcases MUCH HEAVIER than this one, back in the day! The day being only a few months previous! I bet once upon a time I could lift that young man right over my head, by gum!
Anyway, I've been TRYING, you guys, trying so hard, to get back into the routine. And so Wednesday I went for the second time this week, and until Wednesday I'd been going fairly easy on myself because I knew I was out of practice. I don't know what shifted inside me, this Wednesday. I went a little nuts.
Weight-lifting dramatically lifts my mood while I'm hoisting away. I was having this fantastic endorphin rush, the kind I hadn't had in a long time--I missed it so!--and I went into automatic and chose weights I had been using when I was lifting all the time. I was holding my usual weights while LUNGING! And SQUATTING! And then I did some chest presses and inverted rows and etc.! In my enthusiasm I forgot that I was now a wasted spindly shell of what I had once been!
I woke up yesterday fairly sore, nothing remarkable, but as the day wore on, every time I stood up I felt even more sore, and then even more, and today I am WORSE. Every time I get up I want to cry. Walking down the stairs is the worst thing ever. What monster invented stairs?
As uncomfortable as I am, I refuse to relive what happened yesterday when I was sitting on the toilet and realized there was no way in hell I could stand. Just no way. I decided to slide myself off the toilet onto the floor, and fortunately we have a full-length mirror in the bathroom so I got to watch my pathetic descent onto the tile, with my pants bunched up around my knees. That tile was cold. It took a while to shimmy my pants back up. There may have been some whimpering. I will never let that happen again. I don't care if my thighs rupture when I get up. I WILL HAVE MY DIGNITY.
Reader Comments (22)
Laughing so hard. Have totally been there, done that. And this is why full length mirrors are not allowed in my bathroom.
The second day after a new workout is always the WORST. And, yes, going to the toilet is the least enjoyable thing to do during that time. For me, standing up is less pain than the sitting down. I hate that! But - at least you know you really worked those muscles!
Oh, I have BEEN THERE so many times. Usually it's the gym, but one time I seriously overestimated my gardening ability and about killed myself. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. One of my fellow teachers, observing me limping down the hall (and probably whimpering) asked me why I had not called in sick and I replied that it was just too embarrassing to tell my principal I was taking a sick day because of over-gardening zeal. TOO EMBARRASSING.
Ouch. I had that happen to me too with the suitcase lifting. I'm so glad I didn't drop it on someone's head. How mortifying would that be?
Take heart and keep it up. My awesome 71 year old gym class companion is writing in her Christmas Letter this year that she's excelling so much at Crossfit that when she gets on a plane other people ask her to help them with their overhead luggage stowing!
Sometimes it helps to do some yoga or other stretching after a workout--especially if you realize you've overdone it. (Sometimes nothing can save you and you just have to suffer.) Back in college on the crew team, certain workouts (especially heavy weight lifting) would notoriously leave people unable to descend stairs. And the campus had long flights of stairs everywhere. You'd see students gingerly going down sideways, wincing at every step. This was in the "no pain, no gain" '80s. Boy, am I glad we don't say that anymore.
That's the funniest thing I have read in a loooong time! I hope you feel better soon.
I kind of revel in the pain - it means you were kicking ass the day before at making yourself a better person!! YAY for you!!!
Great visual of your trip to the bathroom.....mirrors should never be near toilets. :)
Ha! I used to feel like that, every year at the beginning of the track season. Not being able to escape from the toilet seat seemed to be the worst part of it. I remember pulling myself up while grabbing onto the wall.
Even though it was painful, I kind of liked that intense, muscle ache/hurt. That is weird.
OMG. I'm so sorry. Also, mmm...meringue...
Ah, yes. I once had to call a mortified 12 year old for assistance getting off the toilet after I discovered that "Tabata" was not indeed a delicious Mexican fried dessert, but instead a form of ritual torture invented by angry gym instructors who have probably never even tasted delicious Mexican fried desserts.
Ahhhh the joys of Lactic Acid! It is the main culprit of the 2nd day burn, and, cruelly, the only way to banish it from your tender muscles is to work out again. Albeit not with such vigor!
I'll spare you the physiology lesson, but drink plenty of water, do some moderate cardio like jogging, cycling (indoors, on a stationary bike, of course!) or fast walking. Finish with some stretching.
If you're into such things, you might also like a soak in a hot epsom salt bath. It is one of my favorite indulgences.
Happy Workouts! :)
"A wasted spindly shell"! HA. ha ha ha haa. That's how I feel every time I go to the gym. *exhausted sigh*
The second day is definitely the worst! It will get better! Keep going and you won't even remember the soreness of the first few days (hopefully).
You guys, a ROLEX bookmarked my site! How is that even possible?
This is awesome.
You have put into very precise and descriptive words something I have experienced more times than I am comfortable admitting.
Did you ever go to a Body Pump class? That was my Gettysburg. I was decimated, and spent many hours on the toilet or at the top of a stairwell, staring at the insurmountable tasks ahead.
And the only thing worse than feebly sliding off the toilet in a puddle of pathetic humanity is not being able to wipe your own arse because of all those mother-bleeping oblique moves you've been doing.
But that is probably TMI.
xoxo
Lolololol...so sorry about your pain...hope it is subsiding..but you are the best storyteller ever!!! yes...worth at least 3 exclamation marks! And I am stunned you have a full length mirror in your washroom. Really? A place where so much nakedness is present. I would need to start working out if I had a mirror in there.
Kate: and it faces the TOILET. I don't know whose brilliant idea this was.
i read the last paragraph aloud to my partner and had trouble with the last few sentences due to the TEARS.OF.LAUGHTER filling my eyes and running down my face. i have been there with the sore legs and thought i'd be fine, til i FELL the last 3 inches as i sat down! thankfully, my bathroom layout provides handy walls for hoisting oneself when ones sad, sad, sorry legs won't do it. and i didn't have the extra special pleasure of watching myself in a full length mirror while doing so. ;-)
I think the idea of a gym was invented precisely to taunt us...we're here waiting patiently for you to come and visit me. But you never visit me...was it something I did?
Great post!
I laughed so hard, I cried. Thank you, thank you. Meringue bones.....love that. Same legacy over here. Gotta get to my weights. Nudge, nudge.
This is to funny. I can relate. :)