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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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Forty five


So I turned 45 today. So that’s a thing I’m doing. Also apparently beginning sentences with “so,” now. I’m pretty sure I resolved to stop that somewhere back in my thirties, but hell, I’m FORTY FIVE. I’ve earned the right. By the time I’m fifty I’ll be misplacing modifiers everywhere. At 70 I’m only going to write in all caps. Send my son texts in serif fonts. See if I won’t. 

I turned 35 a few months after I began this blog, and I remember turning 35 more than I remember any other birthday because 35 was the first birthday I fretted over. Like, ooh, I’m 35, that’s so old. I’m old now. 

I now find the idea that 35 is old to be hilariously adorable. Adorably hilarious. 35! Like a baby, I was. Still covered in vernix. I was a little gross, come to think of it. 

I got my Age Crisis out of the way at 35 and now I see how silly it was. How can I freak out about 45? If I freak out now, then in the distant future, when I’m a brain suspended in a bucket of nutrient-fortified goo, I'll have to transmit orders to my android body-replacement to chuckle ruefully about it. And I can’t have that. I’ll have more important things to do, like battle the monstrous virus army, and crochet. 

I mean, however old you are, you’re as young as you’re ever going to be. Oof, that’s obvious. Now that I’m 45 I’m going to issue really obvious pronouncements like that one. Also: be nice to people. Not to mention: sunscreen. You’re so very welcome. 


(What does it say about me that I thought Sarah Silverman was the person who sang this song? I wasted a good 3 minutes of what's left of this wild and precious life Googling "Sarah Silverman Older Song." Did she sing a similar song? Sorry, what was that? SPEAK UP HONEY.)  

I’ve only been 45 for about twelve hours, but so far it feels exactly the same. Except it’s colder. That might be the weather? Either way, it’s easily fixed with a little something I like to call “layers.” This is the kind of wisdom you gain at 45. I like it. I like you. Let’s keep getting older, shall we? 



Reader Comments (21)

Happy birthday!

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBeck

So Alice, one thing that hasn't left you and I daresay (WHEN YOU'RE OLDER YOU CAN USE WORDS LIKE THAT & ALSO CAN MOS DEF TYPE IN CAPS) never will is that you're one of the best writers on the Internet.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuzy Soro

Dude, I'm so tickled it's your birthday. I'm tickled like we're both 10, and I got invited to your slumber party tonight to celebrate -- which, seriously? *Alice Bradley's* birthday slumber party?! I mean she's so cool, and I'm so ...

... anyway, you get my point. Happy Birthday, friend. Have an amazing day.

Happy Birthday! I was just crying over turning 40 next week. Why should we cry though? Let's make some wishes come true. Let's inspire our kid(s). I made a list of places, actions, goals that I have achieved so far, and it's helped.
I hope you have a great day and tell us what kind of cake you have.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterhennboots

I am 45 too and it seems like every blogger I read is so much younger. But I have a six year old so who can I relate too ? You it seems. Glad we're the same age.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterflybigd

I want to "like" Karen's comment. As in, me too + I agree. Dammit, Facebook.

Also, Happy Birthday! Party cake!

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLaura Mayes

Happy Birthday! Any year you survive is worth celebrating.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

As my grandmother (91) says, getting older is better than the alternative. She is also a hypochondriac who finds the negative in almost everything, but damn if she isn't right about not dying bring better than dying. Happy birthday!

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

Happiest of days to you, layered Alice. You're the bees knees. Old at 35! Silly.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAlyce

40 was the birthday that got to me. I remember - as if it was yesterday - waking up at 4 a.m. in a cold sweat thinking "Oh my God, I'm 40. How did I get here?" (with apologies to the Talking Heads). 40 seemed as if it was the first time I was actually supposed to be a real grown-up. It took me about a year to really come to terms with it. In comparison, 50 was a breeze, didn't bother me a bit. Now I turned 60. At first it was OK. I was in a good place, I'd retired from the corporate world and my time was my own. But then it started creeping up on me. 60. The age that you really really have to start thinking about your, ugh, health. Maybe cut back on the wine. Really try to lose the weight. Not to look good. Just to live longer. I start having thoughts like, "If I got hit by a car, would the newspaper refer to me as an "elderly woman"?"... So. 45, huh? Enjoy it while you can! ;-) Happy birthday!

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMauigirl

Happy birthday! 45 looks great on you! I'm turning 45 myself in just a couple of months. You give me hope that maybe I can do it gracefully.

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBea

Happy birthday, my friend.

The best thing I can give to you is thanks.

You don't know much about me but I can tell you, that four years ago, when I found your blog through motherhood in NYC, you were one of the women that I depended on to post and make me laugh through a terrible time that I don't need to detail here and I KNOW you will know just what kind of terrible I'm talking about. Life is so good b/c back then you were posting frequently enough and between you, marinka, and a handful of others, I was able to patch together a survival plan. You did that for me, Alice. You were a huge part of my life and you didn't even know it. You made me laugh hard and you made me feel normal with my neuroses and anxiety and doubt and quirkiness and I felt, "I have a friend. Even if she doesn't know it, she is my friend." You pulled me through. I love you forever.

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteralexandra rosas

Happy birthday, Alice!

I think the Sarah Silverman song you're thinking of is "You're gonna die soon":

I know this because I'm still 35 ;)

I remember laughing so hard when I saw this for the first time. Can you imagine filming it? What good sports.

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterErin R

Happy Birthday! I turned 45 this year too and it's fine. Just that many trips around the sun. Enjoy your day!

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterkorinthia

Happy Birthday!

I've been hanging out in Ye Olde 45 for almost 6 months now. Still doesn't seem any different from 44. Still 6 months to go, though, so plenty of time!

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKizz

Happy Birthday! Oddly enough, my hardest birthday was 39 (so far).

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJeanette

Many happy returns of the day! Which is something I started saying when I got older. You are a mere youngster at 45. I am turning 49 is 3 weeks. I suppose it will be just fine. My butt is already droopy, so it's not like there will be a butt landslide down the back of my legs when I turn 50. At least I hope not. Gross.
But anyway, happy birthday!

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMissusB

You are quite simply brilliant! Happy Birthday - in whatever font you like.

May 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterEmily

I'm turning 51 this month, and 45 looks wonderfully young to me right now. Except, no - I wouldn't want to go through menopause again - nor all that stuff with my oldest teen daughter. I'll stay right here, thanks.

Oh, and Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday! You are very lovely.

June 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterOZMA

I've been reading you since the beginning. Happy birthday!!!

June 13, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterhl

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