1. Given that sometimes (but not always) c/d = t, s = f, g = d, k/c = p, p = b, r = w or h, n = m, and a/e/i/o/u = schwa, and extra syllables will sometimes be added to or removed from words as the mood strikes, translate the following before meltdown occurs:
a) Tuh-tee! TUH-TEE.
b) Femma-may feet! Femma-may FEET.
c) Tummonnameee! TUMMONNAMEEE.
d) Fing-atta-bingbong! I SAID, FING ATTA BINGBONG.
2. Given that clearly worded phrases will be ignored while muttered asides will be repeated with stunning clarity, which of the following is your child likely to announce in the presence of a grandparent?
a) Suck me.
b) That is such bullshit.
c) Fuckity fuckity fuck.
d) I love Grandma. Grandma the booze hound.
The following rules are:
a) Always true
b) Never true
c) Sometimes true, but YOU WON’T KNOW WHEN THEY’RE TRUE AND WHEN THEY’RE NOT TRUE.
3. The more you want your child to do something, the less likely he is to do it, even if it’s something he himself wants. Ha, ha.
4. Any food item that is crunchy, mushy, porous, green, red, hot, cold, or warm will be immediately tossed to the ground. Just be glad it didn’t get thrown in your face.
5. When your child has worked himself into a froth over something until he’s in such a state of disarray that he’s lost track of what he wanted in the first place, what will almost certainly calm him is a rational, coherent explanation of why his temper tantrum was ill-advised. So keep talking, jerk, see where it gets you.
6. Acquaintances want to hear about your child’s charming hijinks only slightly more than they want to hear about the unique challenges of parenthood.
7. You’re in charge. Until the kid wakes up.