Get out your pencils--it's quiz time.

1. Given that sometimes (but not always) c/d = t, s = f, g = d, k/c = p, p = b, r = w or h, n = m, and a/e/i/o/u = schwa, and extra syllables will sometimes be added to or removed from words as the mood strikes, translate the following before meltdown occurs:

a) Tuh-tee! TUH-TEE.

b) Femma-may feet! Femma-may FEET.

c) Tummonnameee! TUMMONNAMEEE.

d) Fing-atta-bingbong! I SAID, FING ATTA BINGBONG.

2. Given that clearly worded phrases will be ignored while muttered asides will be repeated with stunning clarity, which of the following is your child likely to announce in the presence of a grandparent?

a) Suck me.

b) That is such bullshit.

c) Fuckity fuckity fuck.

d) I love Grandma. Grandma the booze hound.

The following rules are:

a) Always true

b) Never true

c) Sometimes true, but YOU WON’T KNOW WHEN THEY’RE TRUE AND WHEN THEY’RE NOT TRUE.

3. The more you want your child to do something, the less likely he is to do it, even if it’s something he himself wants. Ha, ha.

4. Any food item that is crunchy, mushy, porous, green, red, hot, cold, or warm will be immediately tossed to the ground. Just be glad it didn’t get thrown in your face.

5. When your child has worked himself into a froth over something until he’s in such a state of disarray that he’s lost track of what he wanted in the first place, what will almost certainly calm him is a rational, coherent explanation of why his temper tantrum was ill-advised. So keep talking, jerk, see where it gets you.

6. Acquaintances want to hear about your child’s charming hijinks only slightly more than they want to hear about the unique challenges of parenthood.

7. You’re in charge. Until the kid wakes up.

Comments

[kelly]

ahahahahahahahahah

oh. my. maude.

oh my.

i have to go get some paper towels...

[Very Mom]

1. Trick question. Correct translations result in an immediate change of phrase meaning by child. For example, Femma-may feet! Femma-may FEET? Ah, yes. Mommy has your spoon right here. What? Femma-ma feet now means PUT THE TRIANGLE BLOCK INSIDE THE EMPTY TISSUE BOX NOW!? Oh...

2. All of the above. Preferably in front of multiple extended family members. At church.

3. c. Absolutely and totally c.

4. a

5. c

6. a

7. a

Wheeeeeeee! Parenthood is F U N!!!!

[Shelly]

7. Both kids are still asleep, so I'm in charge for at least 10 more minutes, 20 if I'm really, really lucky! Oh, nutz one just woke up and demanded to watch morning cartoons. My reign is over!

[dr. dave]

I don't know the answer to number one, but it makes me want to go rent "Nell" again.

[reenie]

Okay. I got Daddy, daddy, fell on my feet, fell on my feet, some more for me, some more for me, and sing at a ping pong. I don't know why you would want to sing at a ping pong, though. Why is Henry singing at ping pongs? Where are the ping pongs? Why are they in a place Henry could see them and therefore desire singing to them? I think Fuckity fuck fuck might be the most likely of those to be repeated. My brother-in-law once shouted "shit!" to his uncooperative shoelaces while the pastor was visiting their home. He was two. Nice.

[Rita]

I think "Tamany" was a Native American in the colonial days who represented all that was kind and good about Native Americans. White people used to dress up as this guy, get drunk and have parades. Or at least that's what I learned in my early American Lit class. Perhaps Henry sees dead people?

[sparkmonkey]

I still have no idea what "Sunnawissas" means. Now she is 13 and she has no idea either. Back then, I thought it was about Santa and whiskers, but she adamantly assured me this was not the case. Bah...

[Genuine]

I concur with dr. dave.

[alice]

Come on, people! THINK! What do I pay you for?

(Yes, there are real answers to these.)

[Carole]

1.a) cookie! COOKIE, now dang it!b) ???c) come with me or perhaps come on, Mommyd) find some thing

very funny post!

[Jane]

I don't know the answers to any of them and thanks to the miracle of birth control, I may never need to know. Ha ha ha ha ha! Sorry.

[sarah]

1. a) cookie or dirtyb) sunflower seedsc) come on, Mommyd) sing "Rainbow Connection" NOW. MORE SINGING

2. b

3. a

4. c

5. b

6. c

7. c

I am so looking forward to this stage

[WindyLou]

I do love a good quiz:1)HurrySit in my seatCome on mommyfind that ding dong

2)b3)c4)a5)a6)c7)aI don't care if you give all the results, but PLEASE (!) tell us what was blurted out in front of Grandma,and her reaction, of course.

[Old Prospector]

Well i thought this test was simple!

The answers are

1.) 72.) None of the above! Its a trick answer. The correct answer is running away crying and screaming, "Devil Lady!"3.) c4.) c- that depends, cause if its like a big chocolate cake, I kinda would like to have it thrown at my face.5.) b6.) c-that could be true, if the person your talking to is autistic7.) a

okay, now what do I win?

[alice]

What *don't* you win, Old Prospector?

[NetChick]

OMG -- Thanks for the chuckles.

I'm keeping my answers to myself, though. You never can tell who's going to be keeping tabs :)

[Mir]

1a) Cookie!1b) Someone ate my seat1c) C'mom baby, do the locomotion1d) Don't you just love the soundtrack to Grease?

2) e (all of the above)

3) c

Hold me. Or give me alcohol. Whatever. ;)

[Pixie]

1a. cookie1b. sit in my seat1c. Come on, Mommy2 A & C3-7 all a. Except when they're not.

Can you tell I have a 2 year old?

[Pixie]

1d. Sing that sing song?

[LOD]

I vote "Sesame Street" for 1B. Like I said, it's a juggernaut; kids love it before they can even say it.

I suggest submitting the rest to the cryptologists at NORAD.

[Shari]

Ooh, can I play? I used to have one of these.1.a. cookieb. sesame streetc. come (in?) to med. find another pingpong / sing another sing-song2. c - and he's talking about a truck.3. a4. c5. b6. c7. a

Now here's a quiz for you!Translate the following:"Baa baa ack eep, abaaba woo""goo uch" (hint: a vehicle)

[the mighty jimbo]

*scheduling that vasectomy appointment now*

[DM]

No clue. None. I don't speak small child. I used to watch a small child and, fortunately, he had an older sister who could translate.

I did figure out the baa baa black sheep, have you any wool though.

This was hilarious. Now what did he say in front of the relative?