Give me your highly conditional love.

Where have you been, Alice? Well, I've been right here, dealing with a love-sick psychotic!

Henry's school has been on winter break this week. Because four-year-olds need a break from all that fingerpainting and storytime. (Yeah, I know, the teachers need a break, what-ever.) It's been fun, because my kid, frankly, is a lot of fun, but also? He's kind of nuts. Yesterday he wept because he loves me "and it's just so good." A few minutes later, when I suggested that he put on his socks, he informed me that he was going to "slice [my] head off." When I suggested that perhaps that wasn't the best turn of phrase, he clutched my legs and swore that he was saying it to himself, as a funny little joke. Then he told me he would love me even after he was dead dead dead. Could he have a cookie? No? Then he didn't even like me and never would.

When he got over that bit of heartbreak, he sang me this song:

I love love you so much

I just can't handle it

Behold Mommy! You're the best one ever!

[whispering] but I wish you were a better one

P.S.: Wonderland today! Go see!

Comments

[braine]

That's what it's like when your stalker moves in!

[Laylabean]

*laughing* That kid is hilarious! I know it probably doesn't seem that way to you all the time, but he sure makes great blog material. So see, your suffering is for the greater good, aren't you proud?

[You can call me, 'Sir']

Wow. Bipolar and emo....a deadly combination.

Also, I bet you could create a pretty entertaining cartoon with characters named Bipolar and Emo...sort of a Pinky and the Brain kind of thing.

[Jodi]

Behold? What a scream.

[Rhonda]

Ah, the joys of motherhood. Yesterday my toddler told me, "I love you more than Tivo." That is quite a bit of love there.

[whoorl]

I love Henry to bits and pieces.

[fairly odd mother]

That song is great! I think it is the universal chant of the four year old. Just wait til he starts writing little 'love notes' that you find with 'STOOPID MOMMY' written on them (yes, I've gotten that one).

[karyn]

Ah yes, the 'love notes.' We call them Clare-mail here. Last night I found one one my bed after I finally gave up and told a sobbing daughter (about two-three hours after regular bedtime) that I was sorry she missed Grandma, but we couldn't do anything about it and she would just have to go to sleep because there was nothing more to be done.

The note read, "Dear Mom, I am going to cry until my bedroom floods. F.R. Clare"

I also received one around Christmas (again well past regular bedtime when we had several female family members visiting), "Dear Mom, You have all the women you need now. I am forgotten. Love, Clare."

These five year olds and their drama! Just wait until the day when Henry can wield his little pen and tell you how he feels about you every second of the day! Good times, good times.

[shannon]

oh dear lord, kids are weird. no one tells you how irrational they are and then you think you are raising a psychotic.

[Monkee]

I'm waiting for the day I come to this site and there's just a ransom post.

People in the computer,I have the mommy. If you ever want to see her again, send cookies. I love the mommy...(whispering) but the cookies are my master.

Henry

[teresa]

Geez, what kind of bedtime stories are you reading this kid that he knows the word "behold?" Soon he'll be complaining that you "flabbergast" and "confound" him. (After he threatens to asphyxiate you, of course.)

[slouching mom]

I love 'behold'. After all, behold brings good tidings of great joy.

Yesterday Ben told Jack that 'under no circumstances' would he help Jack with his computer game.

And Jack looked accusingly at Ben and said, "Circumstances is NOT a word."

Oh, and Karyn? Your Clare is a riot. I'd love to borrow her for a couple of days. There's not enough (read: no) girl drama at my house.

[Meg]

I think that's a Siouxsie and the Banshees song.

[Liesel Elliott]

I love Henry!

When Daniel was younger he would scream whenever something broke and so we would tell him not to worry we would just "get a new one". (I know, nothing like teaching your kid about disposable consumerism - but he could really scream) So "get a new one" became a mantra of his. And then one day I told him that he couldn't do something or other and he stood there with his hands on his hips and yelled at me "Get a new one!" "Wha?" I said.Which he clarified by saying, "Get a new MOM!"

Now at 6 he just tells me that "You're the best mom a kid could ever have" alternating with "Count to FIVE mom! You need to deal with your anger issues!"

[Vikki]

Last weekend, my son (5) announced to a roomful of family members (in the Bible Belt, no less), "I do not believe in God. Don't worry though...I'll still love you even if you do believe in God".

[Chookooloonks]

Behold, indeed!

[Amy]

It's so encouraging to be loved that much... but so Suffocating? at the same time. I could only handle so much of "Oh mommy I love you SO MUCH!" and constant hugging from my SEVEN year old before I a) thought she had done something very, very wrong b)thought that maybe I had done something very, very wrong or c)my head was going to explode if she touched me again in the next five minutes.

[brandy]

Henry is a hoot!This reminded me of the time my nephew while eating a hot dog suddenly stood up on his chair and shouted "My weiner is the most magnificent weiner ever!" and as he sat back down he whispered "but i do not like this juice." His mom and I shook with laughter, we both had to get up and run outside to howl until we cried.He did that a lot at that age, that LOUD declaration of loving followed by the whisper of hate.I think that is how I will do things from now on!

[candace]

It *can* be quite suffocating, the constant love. My nearly seven-year-old daughter seems to lately need to be hanging off of me for most of her day. It's becoming rather annoying. The other day I was in the shower and upon drying off I noticed a folded piece of paper. It was a love note from Sophie. She's stalking me in the shower now.

I suppose we should be grateful for this time now because when they're teenagers? I really dread that time.

[raine]

oh wow.

i thought the 'i said it to MYSELF!' thing was just my almost-five-year-old. he says something he knows he's not supposed to, "poopy-head!" I say, "we don't say those words," and he hollers, "i was saying it TO MYSELF!" because you know, that's makes it all ok.

[ozma]

There's probably some adaptive component here. "I am annoying the hell out of you but I love you. Please don't kill me." Kids who failed to do the 'I love you' thiing were less likely to survive those long cave-bound ice age winters.

[Samantha Jo Campen]

How come when *I* act like that, my husband doesn't find it quite as cute?

Henry, what am I doing wrong?!?!?

[Rhonda]

"I said it to *myself!*" was a popular refrain around here for a while too. Because it's apparently fine to stick out your tongue in the most insolent manner, facing Mom who just told you to clear the table, as long as it wasn't actually intended as an editorial rebuttal.

Oh, and my daughter regularly tells me that I am "the BEST person in the world!" Lovely sentiment, but I know better than to take it seriously because I can slip to "WORST person" if I don't watch my step. Apparently Idi Amin and Hitler were reviled because they told kids to do their homework.

(I love the Clare mail.)

[Starshine]

That is hilarious! What a rollercoaster ride of conditional love! ;)

[Melanie]

Man, that kid reminds me of my kid. Psycho love. Every day I go from "best mom" to "worst mom" in an eyeblink. Today was "I hate you and I hate everyone in the whole world." followed by adoring snuggliness. Four and a half is a little bipolar, methinks.