Grand Jury, Part II
April 28, 2012"A roller coaster ride of boredom, horror, hilarity, and sociopathic behavior!"
--pullquote from the imaginary review for my upcoming movie, "Grand Jury: No, It's Not Like Regular Jury, There's Not a Trial, It's…Forget It, Just Forget It."
Well, that happened. For two weeks I was trapped in a windowless room, either falling asleep waiting for a case or listening to an an exhausted ADA listing 48 separate charges that sounded suspiciously alike; trying not to sympathetically break down along with any number of traumatized witnesses; or silently pleading with my associates to stop engaging in asinine fights with each other during deliberations. One of my fellow jurors on the last day observed, "This was like the worst summer camp ever." Worst summer camp ever, or BEST? I would rather do just about anything than go back to summer camp, but then I was never much for "team sports" or "deer ticks."
Actually it wasn't that bad. (I went to drama camp! Can you tell?) Sure, it was occasionally harrowing and often dull, and sure, far too many restroom-users seemed to be incapable of flushing (or was this some form of civil disobedience?) but I got to meet a fascinating array of people, the vast majority of whom were committed to sussing out the facts in each case and doing the right thing. Plus, we had laughs. Oh, but there were laughs!
I was determined in the beginning not to a) talk to anyone or b) like anyone but their charms were too much and by the end we were having lunch together and chatting during coffee breaks. Then the talk began of maintaining friendships beyond our duties, and I pretended to take an emergency phone call. Because either a) I have enough friends for whom I don't have enough time, or b) I am a terrible person. Take your pick!
I mean, they were great and all, but I wanted to get back to my regular life. On the last day one of the assistant district attorneys informed us that the grand jurors always went out on the last night, and invited their favorite ADAs. (You meet a ton of them.) (Yes, you have favorites.) I suspect this was a ploy designed to get them free drinks, and anyway the last thing I wanted to do was go out. The first thing I wanted to get the hell out of there. When we were all officially released I could not tear ass from the building fast enough. I literally backed out of the room and if anyone had caught me I would have pretended I was going to the bathroom. Where I would have flushed, because maybe I'm not nice but I am also not an animal.
Reader Comments (14)
Yay! I've been waiting for Grand Jury part deux to come out. So you're so dull that you write posts on a Saturday night, huh? What does it say about me that I'm sitting here READING your post on a Saturday night while wrapped in an honest-to-God Snuggy? Please don't answer that. But I snort-giggled at your using the ruse of a fake phone call to get out of making any more friends. I'm with you. I'm at the point in my life where I've just about reached my friend limit, and what few spaces I have left, I'm reserving for that moment I run into Terry Pratchett on the street (or maybe Ellen...she cracks me up). Kudos to you for making the misery that is Jury Duty sound like a week at drama camp. ;)
Yup, sounds like Grand Jury. Not that I've ever gone myself, but one of my best friends went through that this year. Unfortunately for her, they had to hear a harrowing child prostitution/imprisonment/pornography case that went on & on and left her weeping for days, her brain full of details she can now never un-know.
Glad your experience was lighter than that!
Pathetic perhaps, but I have ALWAYS wanted to be on a jury (because I'm nosy!), but would never ever ever in a million years be picked. (Lawyer; also, former ACLU staff member. I wouldn't make it out of the bullpen.) So this mini-series has been a vicarious thrill!
Jadzia: you could be on a grand jury. ANYONE can be.
I'd be right there with you with not wanting to make any new friends and not wanting to go out afterward. I know it's civic duty and all, but I can't imagine having to be on any kind of jury...especially ones where I'd have to hear horrific things that I would never be able to un-know, as Varda pointed out. I like to volunteer for things like tree plantings or litter clean ups...I hope that can be my civic duty.
Thanks for sharing those insightful, hilarious posts!
My grand jury duty experience in Virginia several years ago was completely different. We sat in a conference room all day, every Tuesday for 8 weeks. The Commonwealth's Attorney (aren't we so GRAND in Virginia, with our "Commonwealth" status!) came in in the morning, and was "available" if we had questions. From then out, each case amounted to a Sheriff's deputy (in my county, we don't have police, only sheriffs) coming in to tell us what the charges were on a case and a 2-minute (if that) summary of the evidence, and then we'd vote whether the case should go forward. They all did.
On the plus side, I learned how very many police chases happen in my county. I had no idea. Also how many people try to steal from Costco, WalMart and Target. I think the most "exotic" case was embezzlement. Kind of a snoozer.
"Then the talk began of maintaining friendships beyond our duties, and I pretended to take an emergency phone call." This sentence describes my "friendships" with everyone everywhere I have ever been. Well done, as always!
You make it sound great.
No, really. I wish I could volunteer for grand jury duty.
You're a writer. Aren't writers supposed to get all excited about contact with various random bits of humanity? Or so I imagine. I'm trying to write all the time and every time I have such random contact I feel like I'm getting grist for my unused, rusty mill. Then I flee in horror. But I thought such fleeing was indicative of my lapsed writer status.
Having also had the distinct pleasure of serving on a Brooklyn Grand Jury, your posts brought back so many memories. My fellow jurors going out for happy hour... At Applebees (I politely declined). The accused sitting in the witness box proclaiming the cat punched him and that is why it had to to be tossed out the window. And of course, deep discussions over the address of each case and which juror lived closest.
I truly don't know what it is about public restrooms and women (because I don't check the mens room to compare!) refusing to flush. I consider it an absolute refusal. And it's nasty. Do they do that at home? All the business, all of which I do NOT want to see, is left...for me to see! Once, I was entering a stall at a movie theatre's restroom and the woman coming out hadn't flushed. I stopped her and asked if she was done. She said yes, so I asked if she could flush what she left. That nasty heifer said flushing after every use was wasteful and she wouldn't be party to it. Oh, I guess it's wasting water to run some over your hands too b/c she also left without soap touching her skin. See: NASTY WOMEN IRK ME.
I'm glad you've been released from the I'll deal with you while I'm here but we are so not friends when it's over courthouse (because that's how I feel when I meet new people with whom I have to sit).
I can't believe they expect you to go drinking with them, I've never seen that on The Good Wife.
People who don't flush should never be referred to as "grand".
Loved this, Alice!
Yes! I've been waiting for Part II. Took you long enough:)
Seriously? ADAs fishing for drinks? They've never shown that on SVU. "We have to take a shot every time someone says 'injustice'!"