Here I am!
May 27, 2011It took longer than expected to get back here, but I'm here now, hello! I feel like a human again. And not some kind of awful platypus. Not that platypuses are awful--I just felt like one that is. One that waddles around poisoning passersby with its venomous hind spurs, just because. Because it can. I'll bet his name is Gary. Gary the Asshole Platypus. God, what a dick. And to think I felt like just like him! Thank goodness that's over.
Thank you, everyone, for your kind messages and emails and comments. Except for the commenter who said I sounded like a "menopausal Vienese [sic] matron from 1896." I don't think he meant to crack me up, but holy hell, that made me laugh. That is awfully specific, sir! Not to mention puzzling. I never once mentioned my overly tight whale-bone corset OR the various remedies for Hysteria prescribed to me.
Listen. I can imagine how it sounds to some people, me being all, "I can't work! I have the Dark Mood! My doctor told me to have fun!" It sounded indulgent to me, for sure. I wasn't into it. I like to work. I vastly prefer it to near-constant thoughts of death. For instance.
I know there are people who roll their eyes at the idea that someone is too depressed to work. If they want to roll their eyes at me, that's fine (Henry rolls his eyes at me all day long, so I'm used to it), but I do wish everyone would stop with the idea that depression is just a mindset and a person need only cheer up, for goodness sake. Depression is not only the state of someone's mood. Depression affects your entire body. The negative thoughts and feelings almost seem like a byproduct of the physical toll depression can take. It's a horrifying experience, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
That said, I know from the comments that some of you are dealing with your own depression and anxiety, and you have my deepest sympathy, and fervent hopes that you feel better, and soon. Here are a few things that helped me (in addition to Prozac, Mirtazipine, and Klonopin):
Getting outside every day. For the first few days I couldn't walk more than a block or two (I don't know whether it was the meds or my brain, but any kind of exertion left me lightheaded and whoopsy), but I gently coaxed myself outside every day. Walking Charlie was a perfect activity--short distances (he's an old dog) with many stops (who feels compelled to pee on everything). Plus sometimes we would interact with other dog owners, and they were nice, which was a helpful reminder that Nice People Exist.
Instant Netflix (again). Although I've seen every episode of Arrested Development more times than I can count, I watched it some more. And "Working Girl," which I found strangely compelling, although I never have before. Sigourney Weaver, ladies. Am I right? (Although when Melanie Griffith lisps that line about having a head for business and a "bod for sin" I kind of want to punch something. Still, punching is better than crying!)
Podcasts. I love many podcasts, but right now my favorites are the Pod F. Tompkast, Superego, and Julie Klausner's How Was Your Week? If you want to feel like you have witty, warm friends who are whispering hilarious somethings into your ear-canals, I can't recommend these podcasts enough.
Fish oil. Okay, I don't know if the fish oil actually did anything, but at least it helped me feel like I was being pro-active. Also, Vitamin D3. Which I am apparently deficient in. And I ignored my doctor's orders to take it, and then I read that a Vitamin D deficiency can cause depression, so I'm not ignoring my doctor's orders to take the Vitamin D now, is what I'm saying. I should have been taking it already. Again, I don't know if this helped. Maybe it did? No, definitely! Look how positive I am, now! VITAMIN D!
In other news, tomorrow's my birthday! And I am going to write more for you guys next week. Things are looking up. I'm glad you're still here. Or, you know, you've come back. I didn't think you were waiting here this whole time. I KNOW YOU HAVE A LIFE. Sheesh. I just, you know. You're here, and I'm here. Let's celebrate. Hooray!
Reader Comments (108)
So glad you're feeling better.
Getting happier *is* work when you're really low. Congratulations! Feeling better is a pretty grand birthday gift.
Alice, it's so nice to have you back. Your link in my favourites (yes, I'm Canadian, so you can just deal with the spelling) bar was woefully un-bolded for so long. I noticed it every day, and thought of you. Weird how that happens when we've never even met.
Anyhow, I'm so glad you made it back in one piece.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! I'm so glad that it CAN be a happy birthday for you now that you're doing better.
Happy Birthday, Alice! My wish for you is for a joyful platapus-free year.
Or platypus-free. Whichever is f&@king with you more.
Damn, I hate misspelling stuff.
YAY! This post should include some happy song for dancing!! To celebrate that you are not feeling completely awful! Anything but a Viennese waltz, amirite? UGH it makes me so mad that some people still think that depression is something one can "snap out of."
Hooray indeed!
(Also, I may take to muttering "asshole platypus" as I walk away from certain people. Thank you for that.)
I'm glad you're back.
So glad to hear you're feeling better. Depression blows and it saddens me to think that people still say things like "you should snap out of it." Anyway, glad you're on the other side of it. Welcome back!
I am so glad you are doing better. Your honesty has helped me come to terms with the fact that I'm probably depressed. My therapist has mentioned medication but I'm so hesitant and I don't know why. I always scoffed at those commercials that talk about depression physically hurting but I now know exactly what they mean. There are times that my anxiety, grief and emotional strain from everything that is going on in my life physically hurts. It's hard to explain. It's also hard to admit. It feels sometimes like I'm such a failure if I admit to the depression. Anyway, thanks for being honest, funny and just you. I hope the feeling better trend continues.
Hooray, indeed!!! Been there, done that, will likely do it again. Great that you were able to get the help needed. Glad you are feeling better!
HURRAY! So glad you're feeling a bit better! Happy birthday tomorrow! Love from Chicago!
So glad you're feeling better. I met you briefly on your book tour and feel bad that such an eminently fabulous woman has been having these crossed wires that make her think she isn't. Platypus no more!
I'm so happy that you're back and feeling better.
I wanted to join with the throngs and wish you a happy birthday, fellow May 28-er! Happy Birthday!
Oh, how I love when I see "[sic]". It makes me smile every time! Such a nice little jab. Glad you're feeling better.
Had a friend who was depressed for years before he got over it. It's a disease, not just "feeling sad so think happy thoughts" as I thought at first. First time reader from Perfecting Parenthood stumbled over here from Babble.
Life has been much the same here, except I can't take my cat for walks. :) I'm glad you're feeling better. Happy birthday, Alice. :)
Dear Alice, welcome back. (I believe we need to welcome one another back when we've been on a Dark Holiday.) I find a spoonful of peanut butter licked off a tablespoon also helps, in addition of course to fish oil, dog people, vitamin D and sunshine. Happy Birthday!
So happy to hear this. I thought of you yesterday when a virus got my depression "i want to die" thoughts rolling.
Alice is suffering too, I'm not alone.
Thank you, Stacy
I just knew that if I sat here, refreshing the page, you'd eventually come back. Yay!
When my Vitamin D levels went really low, I thought I was dying. I have never felt so awful in my life, so definitely take your VitD! (and if you are really low, your doc will give you mega, huge doses that will make you perk up within a few days).
Glad you are seeing the sunshiney-ness of life again.
Happy Birthday! So glad you're back and feeling better.
Glad to see you posting and feeling better again!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALICE!!!
I think you're swell. :)
I have an additional suggestion, get down in the dirt. I'm not a gardener, hate it! But when I was dealing with a monumental loss several years ago and accompanying depression, my husband bought me several flats of impatiens - about 30 tiny fragile plants to a flat. It took me about 3 days to plant them all, but something about crawling around on my knees, digging in the dirt, getting dirt under my fingernails was very helpful at the time. (Well, that and Celexa and counseling!)