Here I am!
May 27, 2011It took longer than expected to get back here, but I'm here now, hello! I feel like a human again. And not some kind of awful platypus. Not that platypuses are awful--I just felt like one that is. One that waddles around poisoning passersby with its venomous hind spurs, just because. Because it can. I'll bet his name is Gary. Gary the Asshole Platypus. God, what a dick. And to think I felt like just like him! Thank goodness that's over.
Thank you, everyone, for your kind messages and emails and comments. Except for the commenter who said I sounded like a "menopausal Vienese [sic] matron from 1896." I don't think he meant to crack me up, but holy hell, that made me laugh. That is awfully specific, sir! Not to mention puzzling. I never once mentioned my overly tight whale-bone corset OR the various remedies for Hysteria prescribed to me.
Listen. I can imagine how it sounds to some people, me being all, "I can't work! I have the Dark Mood! My doctor told me to have fun!" It sounded indulgent to me, for sure. I wasn't into it. I like to work. I vastly prefer it to near-constant thoughts of death. For instance.
I know there are people who roll their eyes at the idea that someone is too depressed to work. If they want to roll their eyes at me, that's fine (Henry rolls his eyes at me all day long, so I'm used to it), but I do wish everyone would stop with the idea that depression is just a mindset and a person need only cheer up, for goodness sake. Depression is not only the state of someone's mood. Depression affects your entire body. The negative thoughts and feelings almost seem like a byproduct of the physical toll depression can take. It's a horrifying experience, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
That said, I know from the comments that some of you are dealing with your own depression and anxiety, and you have my deepest sympathy, and fervent hopes that you feel better, and soon. Here are a few things that helped me (in addition to Prozac, Mirtazipine, and Klonopin):
Getting outside every day. For the first few days I couldn't walk more than a block or two (I don't know whether it was the meds or my brain, but any kind of exertion left me lightheaded and whoopsy), but I gently coaxed myself outside every day. Walking Charlie was a perfect activity--short distances (he's an old dog) with many stops (who feels compelled to pee on everything). Plus sometimes we would interact with other dog owners, and they were nice, which was a helpful reminder that Nice People Exist.
Instant Netflix (again). Although I've seen every episode of Arrested Development more times than I can count, I watched it some more. And "Working Girl," which I found strangely compelling, although I never have before. Sigourney Weaver, ladies. Am I right? (Although when Melanie Griffith lisps that line about having a head for business and a "bod for sin" I kind of want to punch something. Still, punching is better than crying!)
Podcasts. I love many podcasts, but right now my favorites are the Pod F. Tompkast, Superego, and Julie Klausner's How Was Your Week? If you want to feel like you have witty, warm friends who are whispering hilarious somethings into your ear-canals, I can't recommend these podcasts enough.
Fish oil. Okay, I don't know if the fish oil actually did anything, but at least it helped me feel like I was being pro-active. Also, Vitamin D3. Which I am apparently deficient in. And I ignored my doctor's orders to take it, and then I read that a Vitamin D deficiency can cause depression, so I'm not ignoring my doctor's orders to take the Vitamin D now, is what I'm saying. I should have been taking it already. Again, I don't know if this helped. Maybe it did? No, definitely! Look how positive I am, now! VITAMIN D!
In other news, tomorrow's my birthday! And I am going to write more for you guys next week. Things are looking up. I'm glad you're still here. Or, you know, you've come back. I didn't think you were waiting here this whole time. I KNOW YOU HAVE A LIFE. Sheesh. I just, you know. You're here, and I'm here. Let's celebrate. Hooray!
Reader Comments (108)
Happy Birthday. Glad you are moving in the right direction...upward rather than downward. I took on too much work a few weeks ago, and was not myself -- weepy at my daughter's recital (a child playing Beauty and the Beast no less). Rest is what you need and getting outside. Hope you are having a wonderful slice of cake today.
Happy Birthday, Alice. I think you're really special and wonderful and I'm glad you're feeling better. This is the year!
So glad you`re starting to feel better. Sounds like you have a great doctor!
A few years back, I kind of crashed near the end of March, and was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder. (I live in Canada, and winters here sure give you reason to be SAD). Anyhoo, it came out that I was grossly deficient in vitamin D in addition to being a sleep-deprived nursing mum. Nobody had told me about the link between Vitamin D and depression OR that pregnant and nursing mums should be consuming whole bottle fulls of the stuff every day.
I now dutifully take my vitamin D all winter long, and only stop sometime in June...
Vitamin D is the wonder vitamin du jour!
Hope things continue to improve for you, and take as many writing breaks as you need. We can handle holidays, and will keep checking in on you until you feel ready to come back.
So, so glad you are back and feeling less platypus-y. That sounds dirty.
Welcome back!
Have a wonderful birthday! Cake (and margaritas..) makes everything better. :)
Happy birthday. Spend a little time remembering how COOL your day is. It's the day you got to be the ever-changing-and-rearranging YOU and yes, make the world a better place. : )
Happy Birthday yesterday! I'm so glad you post honest stuff like this. It really helps! I've been wondering about depression, and the fact that I can totally relate to..."The negative thoughts and feelings almost seem like a byproduct of the physical toll depression can take."...tells me I should probably do something about it.
Hooray!
Glad you are feeling better - we all missed you!
Shannon
Depression is, I believe, a disease - a chronic illness that those of us who have it have to manage our entire lives.
I think that sucks and is totally unfair, but I try to remind myself that there are worse chronic illnesses to have. But still. NOT FAIR.
I'm so glad you're feeling healthier. :-)
Look at you! All back here and writing and..... WOW, you look really nice today.
Welcome back. Hope you continue to dispel the platypus and I also hope you continue saying funny things. It's nice like that.
happy birthday and happy less-of-mirth day!
"I can't work! I have the Dark Mood! My doctor told me to have fun!"
Man, it doesn't sound indulgent to me: it seems like pretty sound advice that would nonetheless be hard to put into practice. Good for you that you have done so!
And, having said that, I devoutly hope you don't care what anyone else thinks of this program or progress --- if it's good for you, then HURRAY! Here's hoping you have the happiest of birthdays --- and many happy returns!
Actually, I kind of was waiting here, and on Twitter, wishing and hoping for you. I am so glad you're out of the dark now.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday.
Happy belated birthday, Alice! I hope it was wonderful.
You might also like two of my favorite podcasts: "The Bugle" and "Answer Me This".
Keep your head up.
I am so glad you feel better, too! I have been through this, too, and it does suck and a will to get over it doesn't work. I am SO GLAD you are through the dark time and found things that helped you! I did, too. It's the best.
Happy Birthday! Hope you are feeling up to enjoying it. Netflix goes great with cake!
Glad you are back and feeling better!
glad to see the fog has lifted! hope your family has a kick ass holiday weekend.
I feel your words.
What a tightrope, sometimes surefooted, sometimes too frozen to move, just trying to make it across when others do it effortlessly.
Yay!!! etc.
Yay! again.
Oh, I do like you, Alice Bradley. Ever so. You went and worked your magic on me a while back, so I've been caring about you while traveling my own rollercoaster, and I've been checking in, checking whether you're back, and thinking of you. And here you are! All hopeful and a bit skippety, and sweetly tentative and looking Up. And it's beautiful. Really. It makes me hopeful too, and all, 'Here—here's someone who would get me if they met me, and who I get, and am happy for.' That makes me feel lucky. It makes me smile This Big!
Glad you are feeling better and got the space you needed to get there. I also wanted to thank you for always writing honestly about depression and trying to educate the people who still don't understand that it is a real thing. I've had a few bouts myself and I very much felt the "oh just cheer up" vibe from a lot of people. Would that it were so easy. *Virtual hugs*
Glad you're back. And thanks for reminding that I need to take my fish oil. I stopped taking it about a year ago because I got so tired of burping up that fish smell all day. Yuck. But I will begin again.
I am so glad you're back too!
I've had a recent craving to watch Working Girl myself.