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« Competitive parenting | Main | Coming out »
Wednesday
Aug252010

Here's a story about the bathroom

DateAugust 25, 2010 Comment65 Comments

Yesterday I had a business lunch at a fancy lunch place, which, as we all know, is where you go when you need to business in the middle of the day. First thing I did when I got there, after greeting my date in the work-appropriate manner (passionate frenching) was visit the bathroom. I had just emerged from the subway, and there is no way, after riding the subway, I can sit and eat anything until I scour myself from the elbows down. Maybe also the face. Maybe my face touched something. I can't be 100% sure it didn't.

Before I've even entered a restaurant, I fret over the location of the bathroom. Restaurants enjoy hiding their restrooms so that you have to wander about, sometimes finding yourself in the kitchen before someone sets you straight. This is how the restaurant staff gets back at you for making them feed you. I hate this. I hate walking around with that look on my face. That "I'm acting as I know exactly where I'm going, and I'm about to march straight into a supply closet" look. And then there are the places that can't just indicate "Men" and "Women" on their separate bathroom doors. They have to get cute about it. And you standing in front of the two doors, wondering, "Damn it all, am I a 'Buckaroo' or a 'Cowpoke'?"

Fortunately, my initial worry was alleviated right off the bat. Before I had even sat down, the waitress saw my haunted I Touched Subway expression and pointed me toward the restrooms. She was clearly new at her job, and hadn't learned to loathe us.

The bathroom door had a W on it, which I swear I hesitated about for half a second. "Is that 'Women,' or 'Whoa, This Room's for Dudes'?" I wondered. This was a classy establishment, however, so I was fairly confident in my decision as I strode in.

Here's what happened next. As I was closing the door to one of the stalls, I got my shoe stuck underneath it. I looked down at the shoe and the stall door and tried to figure out how I had managed to wedge my foot in such a painful manner, and I pulled on the door, hard, which is when it came loose and slammed into the front of my skull. I then fell back, where the toilet was, and had to fling both arms out to brace myself against the sides of the stall. Which caused my leather-soled flats to slide on the tiled floor, just enough that I landed, hard, right on the toilet seat. This all happened in a few seconds. WEDGE-SLAM-FALL-BRACE-WHOOPS-THUD. It was fantastic. My head hurt a lot.

I was inexpressibly thankful that I was alone, and no one had witnessed this ludicrous display. (Nor did anyone see me attempt to close the door again, once I had recovered, and find that the door wouldn't latch, and then go to the next stall, and then the next, before realizing the mechanism that latched the door was a turn-y thing and not a pull-y whatsit. I blame the head trauma for this.)

I swore no one would ever know of my embarrassing episode, so naturally I immediately told my lunch date. And then I got home and told Scott and Henry. And now I am telling you.

Reader Comments (65)

Several years ago, my overall strap fell in the toilet while my toddler tried to drink a bottle of bathroom cleaner, eat the toilet brush (she was thirsty AND hungry) and then she escaped out under the stall door, all while I was trying to blot toilet water from my strap.

Strangely, it didn't seem very funny at the time. I had to curtail my errands so I could go home and incinerate my overalls, then wipe down my child with undiluted bleach.

---

Mihow said, "Avoid the Dunkin Donuts on 2nd Avenue and 34th street. I had to use it to pee one day and I haven't been the same since." I couldn't help wondering, Mihow, what exactly is different about you now?

---Kim at 7:56 PM, LOL-ROFL-ETC.
August 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterZina
Wiped up spot on my kitchen floor. Two minutes later forgot about wet spot, my bare foot slipped on it, tipped to the right, bashed my head against the wall, tried to right myself, bashed my head again... all in the space of about 3 seconds.

I so feel your pain.

And your secret is safe with me.
August 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDawn
I've had more horrible bathroom mishaps than I care to count, so even while I'm laughing, I'm feeling your pain.

Also, "passionate frenching" - haha!

August 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVanessa
Oooh, funny!!! And yes, I tell my worst stories to everyone - my favorite kneeling at the front entrance of my client, bleeding profusely from the head, holding a maxi pad against it to staunch the flow, then driving off OVER my glasses.And I still want the Kelli + Olive pictures. Pretty please?!
August 30, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
Oh, Alice! :) I think you could easily start a whole separate blog for incidents of this sort. :)

When I was in college, I was walking across campus as classes changed, so there were throngs of students and staff everywhere, and as I reached the door to my science class building, I saw in the door's reflection a girl with her skirt all hiked up into her underwear's top. You know how elaborate, involved thoughts run through your mind in a fraction of a second? Well, when I saw the scrunched-up skirt ahead of me, I thought, "Oh! Poor thing! I should tell her! But I don't want to embarrass her more! But I'd want someone to tell me!" and then, (next second-fraction), I realized that *I* was the girl in the reflection!! I had just walked across campus as classes got out with my jumper tucked into my tights and underwear! How had I not noticed this?! WHY had no one told me?!! Good GAH!!

If you do start a blog of this sort, may I suggest the title "It's Funny NOW, But--"? :) Because I am right there with you. :)
August 30, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVal
When I got to "I pulled on the door, hard" I started involuntarily muttering, "No, no, no, no..." Yikes... glad you're okay!
August 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAbraCat
I can soooo relate to every bit of your story. The subway germs, the hidden, teeny, city bathrooms, and the calamity within. It's like a page out of my own life, which is why I love blogs. Thanks so much for sharing.
August 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJanine Webb
When I used to live in NYC we'd go out clubbing after work, and guess what? The bathrooms are unisex! So much fun to wait in line while people more beautiful and skinnier than I was made out in the stalls. And they were guys.
August 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCrystal
AHAHAHA! HAHAHA!
September 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmandaJo
I'm so sorry, but I just laughed at you!

And I too feel the need to share all my embarrassing moments.
September 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKristine

Hahaha! Few things bring more joy than reading other people's embarrassing moments.
I went to a restaurant bathroom once in Spain and instead of words, they just had pictures. It was fairly easy to figure out that I wasn't the small naked child aiming his penis at a pot!
And my daughter was embarrassed that, here in america, I was still giving her the double cheek kiss so common in Europe. "MOM!" she hissed. "Please don't French kiss me in front of everyone!"

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